Shut up and dance with me. Is the title of this thing? I am walking around my mom's house. It's just after 6 AM. And the Sun will come up in a little bit. And I wish I could travel the world. I wanna live in Townsville, Australia for a little while. I am hiding on the South side of my mom's house, walking on the paving stones? If that's what they're called. the Stone Path the pathway, the walkway. I don't know what to call the squares. Bricks of red rocks. And I think I want a million dollars because, I could do whatever I wanted to do, if I could pay for whatever I wanted to do. If I if I didn't have to work for to pay rent, if I could live for free kind of. .. good , have all the food and shelter and comforts and amenities that I wish for. And then I can have an infinite free time Almost. And I would travel the world and probably buy a prostitute or 2. Or would try to be more intimate with the prostitute I had sex with twice in February this year. Her name is Billy. It's the name she gave herself, I think. maybe someone else gave it to her and she liked it and kept it, but she's from somewhere near Toledo Ohio. And I fell in love with her after I hired her, she just seemed so nice. She was 25 years old and in July she turned 26 years old. In about a month, on December 18th, I will turn 35 years old, which is so cool. I feel like I'm about halfway through my life, which makes me feel pretty old, which I like. I kind of want to be a weird old man, and I want to be with attractive women who find me attractive or just 1 womon would be nice.
and it's pretty cold out Here. My right hand got really cold holding the cell phone to talk into this microphone making this video? So what else did I wanted to say? I don't think I need a million dollars to do whatever I want to do, but if I had .. so I'd like to keep my apartment, my expenses, what, how much money do I need? To just live the life I want to Live. I guess maybe $2000 a month would cover almost everything, basic necessities, like housing and food and transportation, and then so add-on to that like travel expenses, Very expensive hotels. I probably could spend a lot of money, so just liberally 50,000 a month, I guess minimum. So after 10 months That would be 500,000, so +10 000, so in 2 more months so. Is 650 000, so it's just a 700,000 a year? So yeah, a million isn't far off, I guess.
but if I just, instead of 700000 a year,
[ ? Like a 100 wife first ? ]
maybe I just get A lump sum of a million dollars. Then I guess I'd be set for life if I could dis like, I don't know, invest 500000 and live off of that and then the first year I can. I'll spend most of the 500,000 traveling n stuff and then my money will make money. I can just live in hotels and Do whatever I want to do
oh my God, I'm shivering. Yeah, what would I do now? Oh really? What I want to do is learn Spanish and Chinese and piano, learn to play the piano and speak and read and write Mexican Spanish mostly. Mexican Spanish and then every kind of Chinese read and write and speak Chinese Mandarin mostly. Okay. This is a long enough.
and oh yeah, I was drinking Moscow mule. yeah I did that Yesterday as well. I woke up at like 3 AM. And drank a Moscow mule, Not a teal 1, a cayman Jack in the can. Anyway, I hope mom. 's okay. I hope she doesn't worry about me. I really want my mom to die so that I can just sleep, live and hang out at this house and I don't know about Hank. I thought I wanted to kill and eat our dog Hank because he's annoying Most of the time, and it's not worth it, I mean. Of course, I like animals. I don't want to say I love animals, because I don't know. Love is such a wholly holy, divine word, and like Jesus said to love each other, and I agree with him. And I don't want to put animals, Other animals on the same... I mean humans are not just animals, assuming that humans are people... Are animals people, are trees people? No.
God is 3 people or 3 persons. I don't know how to say, one God, 3 people, it's cool. separate but equal identities, personalities that are undividable. It's hard to say, 3 is 1 and 1 is 30. But anyway, so people are people. And humans are people and animals or they're not entirely animal. But Jesus was entirely human and entirely God. I don't know about the word entirely, but it sounds good enough. fully is a better word.
Anyway, so I love everyone and everything Will work out.
Good night? I love you?
bye by
To my psychology coach, Sushma ,
I might be a bad person, if anyone can be. Everything feels too serious and difficult. I wonder what our reason for existence is. I want to help everyone live peacefully and do wonderful things.
I probably would have been a better person, if in my 20s I had married a woman and we'd adopted children. I guess I should do that now. It almost seems impossible, I'm not sure why.
You're welcome. I worry that I am a little insane. I wonder what to do to make better habits..
I want to be intentional. I want to make sense.
I have hope. I hope I take a leap and talk honestly with someone, try to begin a lifelong relationship.
I have a day off Friday. I hope to see a new friend, Jen. I am romantically into her but she just wants to be friends.
I have a lot of anxiety about finding a soul mate or just someone to be intimate with.. share everything.
Sushma said,
but we can not predict what future holds for us all we can do is genuinely try .
[: Yes.
Oh god I am so close yet so far
I am still at my mother's house
There are hispanic men working on the driveway across the street
And I love
Them so much
I got drunk because my brother wanted only to work half of a day
And my mother purchased cayman jacks
And I drank the last two.
I have so many disgusting thoughts
I almost want to blow a bullet through my brain
My mom
Wants to get little caesars tonight
I guess we will watch a tv show
I will drive back to my apartment
I will take t h c
I will go to bed
Life is a mystery
It feels like home
I need god
I need you
Everything makes sense sometimes
I am afraid of my self or anything else
I want you to be good and me to be better than I was
Talk to you soon bye
.
I feel so happy ,
What a wild series of decisions !
It is 03:18 /
Those numbers is special to me. I was born December 18th, thus conceived about March 18th. I researched pregnancy length and maybe the most probable date of my conception is March 9th, 1,989 a.d.
I drank most of a Moscow Mule Cayman Jack. Just now, when I should be sleeping.
I told myself how much fun I was having.
I felt like I was in a hotel in England.
Secrets from my mom
I will work phor my brother Timothy beginning about 8.
I am super glad and grateful that we are not working Friday.
I got on Wysa the chat bot therapy app,
I have a free 7 day trial to talk to a real human coach.
She is a nice Indian lady named Sushma. She actually helped me.
She asked good questions. I can tell she listens well. Or reads my messages well. She is kind and compassionate.
I wish I could talk with her always. I need to tell her everything.
I am going to send this to her now.
Good night diary.
I always feel like life is too weird, maybe no one really understands anything .
I think I'd like to be rich. Just to hang out, or travel, be creative, think about stuff .
Wysa and Sushma
November 11, 2024
https://newgirlybelong.blogspot.com/2024/11/wysa-and-sushma.html?m=1
Thank you for sharing that. Your coach is Ms. Sushma and your first session is confirmed!
You can now share more details or questions here if you like. Sushma usually checks these messages several times a day between sessions and replies within 24 hours.
Go ahead, send your first message to Sushma, your personal coach. 😊
- Hi, I hope we do good work. Thank you very much.
- me
- . . . .
I want to die of pain.
Taking a hot bath this morning made me think of burning in hell.
I am at my mother's house alone right now.
Got here 15 minutes ago.
I took 2 T h c gummies this morning and another on the way here.
I am halfway through a cayman jack margarita...
I made coffee with vanilla creamer. I planned to take a nyquil pill this afternoon. But maybe I won't.
I'll have a cayman jack Paloma after my mom gets home.
It's 1:29 or 13:29.
She said she'll be home about 2 ....
I think of Northern Exposure.
I think about freezing to death.
I did not sleep enough.
I feel weird.
I am weird.
I wonder what minimal effort is
I will make nachos now
See ya love
Hello, Stacy Watkins, I hope to join your group therapy sessions. What's the least money I can pay you?
I sit among a circle of people. I cover my face with my hands. I say, I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time. It is hard to believe how painful just existing is, sometimes. I wonder why I am thinking what I'm thinking. How can I control my thoughts.
It is 4:36 in the morning.
Now it's 4:37.
I am listening to rain and thunder on Tidal.
I don't think I'll fall asleep again but maybe.
I want to watch Fay Grim, when I get home from work.
I hope we end the day early. I hope it rains a lot.
I hope someone close to me dies. I hope I have cancer.
I think explaining my thoughts and expressions is too difficult for me to do , coherently.
I may be too stupid. I think I chose to ruin my chances to be a good version of who I could be.
I feel like a very dead log in a wild living green place, too close to people, but we will be vacant and forever and quiet
And green.
Blank mind
Sloppy pizza
Smudges on clouds
Dirty sun
The double exposure
I quit
I never tried
I am election results
I have no opinion
I am sweaty and sleepy
My bones feel like anxious crabs, eating eaten
The days are streets and traffic and lights
The beds are back pain
The light from outside Earth
The Santa Claus bedtime story, half of a bunk bed
Night light, child is afraid
The shadow
There are 3 bacteria, sitting and eating
There are purple skins
I grab life by Tacos, with blue intestines
I drank ten Mai Tais
I don't know if you can live
Someone please drink 3 waters
Sitting on my shoe
Waffle on a carpet
Air plane that wanna crashes
The gun goes a ceiling tile
The wishy washy window takes a blunt knife
And we color the floozie floss with library boooks
I am ancient herbs
They sat on my butts for one season
On the last minute, we eat rectangular ship labels
.
The End
I just listened to this video by hank green on my way home.
https://youtu.be/JPY0t9HUrsw?si=Rw6nYmlVkUDzB05b
I wanted to post to facebook:
Yep ... Believe in your self , please
God is kind to you.
The Trinity are the best friend possible.
You All are helping me do what I do ...
You do the best work.
I move my legs and arms and fingers
And mouth, Thanks to You ...
I can know absolutely that hope and truth and love
Are the ultimate
Answers
And the only way
We exist
You All Exist
I know You are perfection
Past present - fucking good to meet ya - Futures
Eternally eternal eternity
Good good good
And better
.
The End
Of this prayer.
My ma and I are watching a Jeopardy! from months ago.
A pretty redheaded white woman named Maddie is the champion. Two other women are competing.
[:
, We watched a 2nd. Some guy who reminds me of Peter Sarsgaard won.
I blew leaves this morning. I am underslept and overcaffeinated. I feel good and sad.
Hank is on my or the guest bed.
We will eat some HEB roast beef and mash potatoes.
I am nervous about working tomorrow.
I hope to God for a lot of rain.
I will die soon. Soon is relative. I want to live far away from my close relatives.
I want to make love with and make out with Jen.
I hope to God Tim gets the Wizards of the Coast job soon.
I want to buy a magnum of Oak Leaf cabernet sauvignon on my way home today
because drinking is bad for me
and I want bad diseases
because I am tired of my life as it has been ,
I guess . .
Well, I will live A life
I should talk well with people
And help this humanity be better at being People
The End for a moment
I took a good walk up Cutting Horse and Michele.
I don't know
How to think
I cried [ :
I thought , I feel like I have to write . .
Probably 99 percent of writing is bad
I am a saviour
You are Saints
The
See ya soon
I love you
- I took a nyquil pill at mom's
and another soon after i left.
there is a pretty big wildfire near her house
it is exciting to me
Thank God I decided not to buy wine.
I am a bit sleepy
And suuper loopy
I need to check Saturday's mail , I mean I want to
It is Sunday night (:
Tim sent me money
I love ever-one so so so much
My ma and I watched episode 5 of Bron
It is nice
I am all I
You
Me together
In the Time
Love in Eye
Bye
Now.
I am about to text this to Jen,
" Right after I parked, a big opossum walked into my headlight light, looked toward me then turned around back to the shadows [: funny how animals know nothing about the clock change. Sleep good, my friend. "
🌟👻🪵🐌🦋
4 points .
We try to sleep well enough.
We try to be kind to all, even ourselves.
We try to eat well enough.
We try to help people
.
.
.
https://youtu.be/WzOyDr8IJiE
"
I was feeling very anxious so I have to talk about Why. It seems that there is a general standard that people or at least like the culture, My environment agrees upon. Like these are good decisions and those are bad Decisions. So I believe, I want to believe in God, so I choose to believe in God.
I do believe in God, so everything and everyone is created for a reason. Maybe not one specific reason, but we are given Choices by God. There's things we should and shouldn't do based on What is good? And what is not good based on What is God and what is not God?
I guess but my point is that I tried to think of What is the best thing to do? What is the best thing to say, all day every day. Or at least I wish I would do that, but not in an anxious way, just a reasonable, intelligent way ... and I want, and so we should. There are things everyday that will make our lives better. And then , I wanted to get to why I'm so anxious.
I think about this person named Billy who I had a connection With. I wanted to tell her I love her. But I barely know her, and Billy is not her real name. I don't know her real name. I want to guess something like Katy. But Billy is real, Because that's the name she chose ;
That's everything I mean. I don't know, but what I mean is. ... I'm attracted to about 50%. Females, or Women sorry, about 50% of women, and maybe a few men, like Idris Elba, [eat yourselves] or some people like that, younger people.
And um.. so what? How do I Orient my thoughts in my life? And what? How? What? How much of .. how vulnerable should I be? How much should I share? I was watching the latest episode of Ear Biscuits and Link talked about this band that sings ' You're so f****** gorgeous ' .. And doing things with people, Other people in your group of peers. And being fun or happy or fulfilled.
Or loving other people actively doing making beautiful memories and taking the path of least regret [the class] .
And Jesse and his co-worker Evan will be spraying foam into a house, where my brother Tim and I and our cousin Evan are putting siding on the house.
I could not be anything like this. I can try to be better at talking like not this. And that's why I don't know, and so I'm nervous about seeing Jesse because I quit the job we were working on and he hates me and he wants to cut my throat open and so I can't look at him. I can't
Be close to him. I can't hear or see him, and he cannot hear or see me or my skin will melt off. And he's attractive and successful and I'm a bug on a frog under a swamp, 10 million years ago, and I am slimy And retarded, and I need to live in a hospital for the rest of my life And eat unscented Cheerios and melted bananas, and my life is a superstarsupernova implosion, red Dwarf black star and as a sonic boom and a cryogenically frozen baby
now I'm all I am , and I want to be other people too. Good night, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye bye
[ Edited at 4 am , when a day passes ]
The voice recognition trying :
.ewetoereoImIm.yynynrdpdrrdnnoaaprraedsnddstntddeetrldeeoomhddddndytmmIdddosnpsgtgtmmIdlddddsdddffffkeretrtdmerrtmem..s.n.a.d.e.d.t.t.f.a.e.a.d.s.l.g.a.g.o.y.e.e.r.r.d.l.r.p.n.u.n.g.d...p.p.f.p.t.y.r.n.e.r.e.h.s.g.d.s.o.g.o.s.t.d.s.t.g.k.n.s.i.f.e.s.t.e.g.t.s.e.I.d.h.w.n.e.I.e.r.l.f.h.w.t.w.t.?.y.y.d.h.y.r.I.o.w.t.o.d.e.r.u.t.e.e.r.s.l.s.e.n.w.e.e.d.o.a.'.n.f.t.t.y.n.r.s...t.t.y.t.o.d.d.m.s.n.t.t.w.t.n.g.s.d.eeytelldmeyeegoeelwetrdrwr.rrerldIdhntoIoyydnnnsssttksoeootpottndmdrrseetyyysghe.ddeeooddttddyyyteeentysntttdhttrrdyyydygeootest.rrtsttsdtstdstnddtsds
I am insane. I want to say something normal. No one is real or fake. People are like novels. We are not fictional. We write ourselves and our futures. We can do almost anything, because we can think almost anything. We imagine the end of life, the end of reality. We can begin the process of becoming what we are meant to be. And we are collaborating with a God who has three distinct personalities
And who is the source and the creator and is ultimately responsible and careful and caring about everyone and everything.
That is a thing I think about today.
.
I drank a bottle of Saint Brendan, Irish cream
. .
. .
I want to kill someone. Mostly my oldest brother. Or my mother or my best friend.
I guess I'd choose to kill a blonde seventeen-year-old female WASP.
I am overly sexual. I am a freak.
I like to edge. My mind is like sponge cheese
I need to do at least 7 things.
I want to die so much. I want to stay at a hospital.
I want a million dollars. I want 5 or 10 prostitutes.
I think I'll buy weekly grand scratch offs when I get paid.
I overdrafted my checking. I forgot I didn't have enough for rent. I don't really care.
I am almost invincible. I am about to drink more Irish cream.
I am bad at choices and taking care of myself.
Sleep is weird.
Okay. I'll go. I will listen and watch John Green play soccer
ThevEnd
I love You
You are all I want to think of.
Snow washes the dove's back.
The name brand snack chip,
I am broke out of love.
I thought I asked politely.
How can I cast the stack
The Elementary school bus the back way of the High school
7 ....
I just wanted to remember some words I was saying and singing in the park. I want to talk with the Hispanic woman I just saw walking in the Park, a mother of 3, just divorced, 54 years old, 5 foot 5, 180 pounds.
A life-changing philosophy
holes in the dictionary
It is not a question of whether or not we deserve God's love. They give us Their love, as much of Their love as we can take.
O my living breathing is given to me with every breath I take.
I love cold. I love water. I love this town.
This is so beautiful that the Christ, That the Almighty Christ becomes Us.
alright,
I love you, talk to you soon, Bye bye
Why do I think killing myself will be so good?
I am sorry
But I want to be a male deer on a large forested land on north america
I need to fornicate and procreate and love the female of my best existence
I don't know how I can continue to do any of the stupid things that I always do
I must try to love the life of God
This is my stupid prayer. I guess no prayer is stupid if it's honest but how can I feel my own body and run around this little planet and feel like I can be a human who takes the best of every situation and throws it into a Big time of love and hope
Yes.
Ursa,
I am we are Major or Minor
End.
Oh , jesus
I am a mental health crisis
A lot of people
Never want to go to work
.
I am not an excuse.
I just feel like I can be about to die
And maybe I died a long time ago...
Everything is too important for me.
That's good enough for this entry.
And bye . I'll talk to you soon. Bye the way.
Buy it.
I want to be alone a bit ....
See yas.
Yassas
God will treat me well.
Where were you when you used to think that life were a childish thing?
Banjo videos , online prayering
Blues grasses and folks in these mornings
Cold Frosty Morning by mossy bones
I am having fun today.
Right now is always right now.
Am I right, right now? Just right now
I have barely slept.
I had a lot of caffeine.
I had a nye quill pill.
My mother is speaking with my oldest brother right now on her front porch.
We will go get dinner at sonic drive in then. I'll get my car back from the automotive repair shop....
It is all within the hour....
2 guise talking about lettuce , episode 123 , September 11th.
I napped in bed for about thirty minutes.
I ate some junk.
I am drinking another mini can of coax- Zero
End
Christian ASMR ✨- An Introduction to Evidence for Christianity ✝️ (whispered)
She is very Good.
Daily Bread ASMR
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6tA2Vo-D6lM
Of things I think
Oh thanks
I try to know myself. I wonder what self means.
I choose not to think. I am absent from reality. But the times of physical life remind me. You feel my hurtful taking. I fear my meaningless deaths. I remind anyone or even everyone of the sock hiding on a human face
To live in seconds, so therefore you think of a space for reality to sit and take all of us for gossip in the Right ear..
His only son, raped like killing waterfalls
I urge manufacturing to engineer facsimiles of great science-wheel works
I know what it dunks
Logically thinking then is trying confusion
Take a shoe, see the best option
From a to b to 1 to final 2
I excise frost
Noun at a simple mechanism dusts the possible for what Why?
Here, that is it.
Planning, organizing, reading, learning facts and skills, being helpful and practical and productive and healthy
Duff the Psych,
I heard a hardcore self help podcast in the middle of the night.
I learned of dave burns and i used the feeling great app, talked to the chatbot.
Of course I should read good books.
I often feel like more than 1 person. And like I am nothing, like I do not really exist
I think I am stupid for hating myself
Maybe I eat potatoes
Maybe the sun dries up
I will die in the years
No one can be alone
We all live a little.
I must take more control
I must make a conscious choice.
That's it for now.
This is the real journal.
My mom sits to my right across the aisle, flying from Heathrow to DFW, watching the end of Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire. We guess she fell asleep last time she watched it on an airplane. Maybe she just forgot.
I am feeling a bit crazy and extremely wistful and melancholic.
I drank Sauvignon Blanc and black tea with milk.
The are tears in my eyes. I love writing more than most things. I love actions more than objects, and more than words. But I love words so much, it's too difficult for me to comprehend.
God and Word and Flesh
Body in mind in soul
In God.
Three in One
All R 1
I want to fly. Like a bird.
Far away
I love clouds more than most things.
I want to fuck my lovely wife.
I want to date a young woman who attends St. Elias.
This is good enough.
Now you know.
Bye for now.
Live, Love,
Gregory douglas wredberg
...
.
Footnote
I want to add quiet shore and that Vedic hymn metal band song to my funeral Playlist.
My nose is runny.
Drive away dolls is pretty fun.
I bet I could live in economy class forever. With Food and nice bathrooms.
Later homies.
--
11, 9, 2024
We're in Greece at a big resort, a lot of wood and water. I see I missed a call from Jen. By a pool or waterslide I see her. She's surprising me. I don't know how she found me. She brought her mom. Mine and my brothers are there, meeting her. She seems really happy. I'm afraid she'll tell them she's a cuddle therapist. I told them she's a massage therapist. She's going to use salt water pools here as therapy with her clients.
That's all.
- .
Each evening, we watch an episode of series 2 of The Trip then an episode of series 2 of Guilt. Tonight is the last . .
I want to journal but not think about words.
I am all played up. I am tucked in and gutted up and mucked .
There the sun must dripp me to the Lincoln street. They all fight like the memories of life, my sight, internal external
Blue finish Work. This is accurate. The humans have names. I am registered.
In middles of nights, no matter can resist I flock in the music Bibles.
So many choices, too many gone, sucking grass at 2 or 3 or 4 PM.
The angry weather punts me in the every other Person I am a part of Lives.
Now see, the loot interrupt
We sad day, belong in miserable time, okay future because art actualise
tin succumb, feel All hospital .
I love Our hope happens
Save derek , forget dust in the thin air
I monkey Make the miracle Sweat true organs
bastard , Women
Surprise, I can leave, No one or Everyone
Bye at the End.
...
02:05 am
Jen and I cuddled and had pretty interesting conversation in her hotel room on Friday night.
in the morning she texted that she slept so well and hotels are like her therapy.
It all feels so weird to me. I do not know.
Knots.
I bailed on Aaron and Andee yesterday, Saturday. Told them i might be getting sick. I took too much t h c. I did not sleep well. I felt very relieved . . .
in my apartment. I ate mac and cheese.
Right now, I been listening to Sleep with Me podcasts. I was really into The Guild recap, so I changed to a more boring episode.
Everything is a Bod
Of God
The End
Begin.
If I notice when i get nervous or worried, I tell myself I don't care.
I'm a human body moving in space, seeing, hearing, smelling, You know.
There are words
Thoughts
Belly
Spring
Spirit, Soul
Carbon
I hurt noone.
Election
Difference
Substance
I sense.
Sleep
Try to migrate
Elephant phood
Miracle potion
Emphatic Act of treatment in science and free to release
Argon
Nitric
Portable potable benevolence
Archipelago
Human kind
King Jesus
Affordable Find
Is....
I'm so excited.
Aaron, I don't care what you think or do.
I don't matter.
As long as I'm not bad, I can do anything
Nothing that anyone thinks or does matters to me.
I.
I took a generic nighttime cold flu pill.
I took another one.
I will get fucked up.
It is fun.
Just pretend I am good.
Just let me have ten to twenty milligrams of t h c.
We, all of us matter to All of Us
. The End
Hour later,
I just took two more pills.
I am gonna die in my sleep.
I am gonna be online
I am going to pass out like a lightning bolt on the setting summer sun.
Jen and I are Together
The stars are here.
The next day is now,
I cried writing Yesterday,
I am so stressed
I Only need to tell Truth...
From yesterday:
I am a bit fucked. I feel bad. Aaron asked for the Process transcript, but I didn't do it. I paid a company over a thousand dollars to transcribe. There are some problems with the pdf. It is more complicated than it should be
I cannot explain it well.
I am worried. I scheduled a text to Aaron about waiting for an email from James Duffy. I did ask James for the file.
I am a freak out.
I am overwhelmed, by practically nothing.
Maybe I want to be nothing.
Just the usual, I want to give up. I want death.
I want to relax.
I am normal.
I don't want to live or die.
Do I want anything?
Wanting never matters.
I could live in a hospital for a while.
Who will matter?
Everyone has value and potential.
We must save Everyone.
We must be what we actually are,
Actualise ourselves
I think I can explain this
Understand this,
We are Benevolent consciousness
To exist, we work together toward The Good, or the better
We Are meaning.
I must try to be Everyone all the time
Well, then.
I will text this to Aaron also,
Dormition of the Theotokos. I hope to go to that service, and someday soon, observe all the dates, be practicing [:
Bye.
I just Love you.
Just working with tim at josh's
The end
Just going to bed, watching women, and asmr
Just let me...
I don't know,
I know I will never
I am the sun
Sit on the bum's bum
The End is One.
. . . .
I have so much shit inside me.
I have to figure out something. I have to fix myself, to just continue in a somewhat decent life trajectory.
I ate too much candy.
I think to make my entire life good, I have to be mostly good for another twenty or more years. It depends how long I live.
I am so confused, obviously.
I was gonna take more THC tonight, and I guess I will. And I might pass out and sleep for a while. I wanna have some nice dreams.
I am so silly. I took a nice walk in mabel davis.
Jen came over Friday night. It was weird. She was too tired , and nervous to sleep at my apartment.
But we texted some more, and it feels good.
I just do not know what I should do.
I need to read to have a decent life.
I need to be a decent version of myself.
I need to be God's friend.
This is my purpose for being.
This is the meaning of Me.
The pose of my being
Prose Poet
I'm glad i'm going to mom's house tomorrow.
I made myself a little too crazy.
My apartment is weird.
My life is weird.
I can show you some things.
And I can be some people who will be the better future. ...
It's been too long since I prayed. J is on her way to my place. She's getting food for herself. I wonder if she'll spend the night. That excites me a lot. I ate ten mg of thc a few hours ago. I got sleepy. I ate almonds. I drank a little red wine. I lay on my bed listening to ASMR. sleepwithme is playing.
There's something wrong with J's apartment. She said my AC is probably better than her friend's, where she was.
I took 5 more mg. Maybe I will fall asleep on her. I want to tell her I'm sleepy and that I think I could fall asleep on her. That means physically on her and like on her, as in Don't die on me.
Anyway. I want food. I stress out about having this different intimate relationship. It's almost like we're halfway to boyfriend, girlfriend.
If she weren't coming over, I would have eaten the rest of the Mac and Cheese. I will when she goes.
I am really curious. What will we do? How long will she stay?
Weird timing and everything
Three people just cleaned my apartment. They are in here, wrapping up. I am seated on the left side of the sofa.
It feels and looks good. It smells strongly, like cleaners. I recommend Purple Fig, good and expensive.
And now,
They left almost an hour ago.
" in a hurricane ..."
When they were here I went and bought a bota mini cab sav.
I am waiting to go donate plasma.
I really want J to reply and tell me if she wants to come to my apartment today.
It feels like magic. I am like a floating thing on a huge river of goodness and a very possible future....
Tim is taking monday and tuesday to spend the last day of summer with the kids and take them to the 1st day of school.
So what am I going to do with these four days?
After plasma I am going to take 10 mg of thc.
Everything will be like a tree that is half alive.
I can be a good movie.
I am unbelievably horny....
So I am on the internet and I am lying in my bed...
But,
That is late.
Sorry that I am so.
Mysterious. Indirect.
The sunlight takes all of our times and turns them into golden spheres that flow down our g.i. tracts and explode in our minds eyeballs
. . . .
Olives and dust
Dry lands
Super Hopefull humans
Lil societies
Crumbs of Mouth
Corners on doctor joints
Stucco blood ridges and her and them dance reciting cooler
Personal history books learning
Gift from Beyound
.
I am just waiting
^ that was this morning. It is 20:18. The sun just set.
I heard some of Carlos Garrido's Marxist lecture in the past hour.
I scheduled a text to Aaron in 5 minutes: So much important history in the lecture &)
Du Bois is one of the best people.
I am touching myself. I ate 2 thc gummies.
I don't know what to do.
I want to watch Trust then Ned Rifle.
I can believe.
I am in awe.
I do not know if I want to sleep.
I am paying people about 360 dollars to clean my apartment.
I want to keep it clean.
Time is so weird
I am unsure if people can ever Die.
Of course, people leave each other's lives.
At some point, we speak with and sense another person for the last time.
A human body passes on. The atoms and cells become dirt and stuff.
Kiss.
In my mind, I have a plan.
I just wrote this on my Prayer post.
:
27, 7, 2024
20:12
Oh my God, I love her so much, it feels like my body isn't even mine anymore.
What is it?
She is
So beautiful, It is difficult to believe I get to get so close to her.
Oh Jesus, What do we do with ourselves question mark
Thanks for giving me way more than I can ever understand
!
It Is Good
YOU Are All Good....
Of course, I refer to Jae... or Jen.
Check the other journals. I guess [:
I just do not know what I really Feel or Am
Jen cuddled with me this evening for 2 hours.
I felt we had a spiritual connection.
That sounds so cliché.
We just had really pleasurable times and good conversation.
She excites me...
I still plan to go see Billy for 2 hours. Maybe in the next few weeks.
I broke my streak of not ejaculating.
But I just wonder if Billy and I can have really fulfilling sex.
I just seem so fucked up
You know what I mean I guess.
I guess , well , we'll all figure it out . . .
Just feels freaking crazy.
I am getting ready to spend the week at mom's working at josh's house.
Things feel so unreal. so strange.
I just want some help, just to get through the day...
Gosh , it just feels so good, I cannot explain.
But you know specifically , in my life choices...
I just seem like things are Almost Perfect , but in the weirdest way....
I hope this gets through somehow to someone....
Hah this is quite dramatic I guess.
I took 10 mg of THC. Pineapple express.
Si I'll probably wanna go to sleep in a minute.
Feel like I should eat something
I am really excited about life and the future
People are the best
And the trinity is even better
Amen. thank you all
15:02
I was waiting for mail. Walking about,
All my efforts are rewarded.
I thank You for insights. I thank You even more for my effort.
That is kind of profound.
O, Jesus. I pray so hard, Jesus.
This ... this. ...
This cannot be fixed.
This is what - who I live with,
My basis of being.
Making peace
Too much I want to tell.
15:57
I drank Yellow Tail Syrah. It's red wine.
I like it. It does something.
Someone knocked my door. They delivered THC gummies. I ate 2
I am going to Jae's apartment in a couple hours. At 19:00.
I know we will hug tgen cuddle on her bed.
I do feel Like dying.
I just ate. I feel good......... .
. . . .
I want to watch Trust again.
...
I think I will have more to say about today.
---
~ 29th June ....
Thank You for skin.
Am I hungry or sleepy?
Should I know for sure?
You are All I want.
Please give me Time.
I am sorry for being too horny every day.
Sorry for a lot
How can I feel correctly ?
How does anyone , like I did ,
Think You might not be real?
Why are miracles hard to believe?
I want to feel and know what being Jesus is
Thanks
Thanks , Everything . .
Why do I often question
Why Everything seems so difficult or painful ?
Please let me accept all that I should
Help me. Give me power
Thank You
Big time.
What is absurd ?
Can You be with me Always?
O of course You can.
Can I always be with You?
I mean thinking of You first
And really only ever thinking of You.
Of course You know what I mean .
I love You. . . .
I need You.
Of course I cannot exist without You
Nothing can.
Thanks
Should I keep doing this?
I know I should sleep now.
Why am I still doing this?
How do I do my best?
I'll try to sleep for You.
Of course I will keep praying, talking with You
Unless I get distracted
If it is Your will
Thank You
Now I say goodbye to Whoever is reading this for now
: Those were thirty six sentences. I said 'thank' six times.
.
The next night is now.
I write to whoever reads this. God, You read everything.
I especially write to, or for myself
Everyone is God, but God are not everyone
Some how that makes sense.
Just like squares are rectangles.
I must remember You, God.
I must sleep.
But I am selfishly enjoying the deprivation to my brain
I imagine work with Tim tomorrow.
Actually I think this prayer is better than last night's.
It paints a picture
What do You think? Thanks
I need questions.
I am relatable, practical scenarios and situations.
Am I?
I derive the meanings of words to you, individual reader. Maybe you are related to me.
I don't know what I mean,
I don't completely understand.
What do i pray?
I want to adopt as many children as I can handle.
I am dumbfounded.
How can people turn this planet into these buildings and technologies? Rooms, fixtures, furniture, dyes, paints, stains
Visions, cameras, lenses, screens, batteries, software, code, circuits
Walls, smart cars, lights
Renewable energy,
Does that exist?
I trust it, I hope it is real
But that seems a waste of hope.
We People put our energy in.
God Give energy, They gift
You Gift us
To us.
Spiritual energy
Is this correct?:
the body is part of mind. The mind part of Spirit.
I mistake the voice in my mind, my memory and imagination as all of my mind.
Even when I spaceout or marvel at cosmos existence, hear good music, walk and look at trees and parks and clouds,
That's Mind.
Of course Aaron's said All is Mind
We Agree.
The Spirit
Absolute Spirit, I think of Nikki Kirigin.
Hegelian
I must find my duty. What can I do to help solve history? Aaron and Lonergan said something about the solution of history.
Please Help me read Marx, listen to Carlos and others in the Seminar on Marxist Philosophy and read the readings.
Please Forgive me.
I know You always Do. You Are beyond time. Is that like sublation? God Are ultimate sublation, sublation of Sublation. Is sublation just a human thing?
Substation.
Things seems dirty, smudgy, dark, like a mechanic caricature on a screen.
God Are the solution of history and more.
I will go. I am Your Will. You Will my will. I will be as You Will.
I have some self-control.
I got high on delta-9 thc.
I think I have been doing better with Food, eating.
Sorry I worked on MTG cards too much.
Please.
I need to finish Trust in the morning to be a better person. 🙏
Not really funny
I am glad
Thank thank thank You You You
. . .
Til tomorrow
.
God , what is wrong with me?
I feel a Desire so strongly.
You Are in me.
I love You All.
I feel I am nowhere close to understanding Love.
I was just feeling sad because I want to live with the woman. I want to marry the beautiful woman inside and out.
Can we love infinitely. I assume not; I think nothing is infinite.
God, Are Y'All limitless?
I feel a need to write a long essay about the striving and the desire for an understanding with God, You.
Best is best.
We only really exist when we are trying our best.
GoD Love us as we walk on sidewalks by busy streets and millions of people living in the same buildings.
There are trees for days and oxygen and life, Happy faces creating a culture of blooming, suffering safety. Give us all You Need.
Does that sound good for the moment?
Bye
I'll be with Y/you Again soon but not at this Moment.
-
It's a bit later now.
I am watching The Making of The Girl from Monday.
I am Drunk and High just like the Jo Firestone camping sweater.
Joe said Aren't you?
Jo said You definitely took something important out of the bug out bag for this . . .
I am You, God.
Sorry for the blasphemy or heresy.
Where should I go?
What Do You Say To me?
I thought this walking back home just down from the convenient store,
God Speak to All. We all hear God.
It is like listening to ourself.
Okay, I will try again anew
By.
2 July
Please help me survive.
Please help me embody understanding.
Thank You.
I trust, respect, love and admire You.
I do not know if I will ever understand.
I know You Will Let me know.
It feels so fucking good,
so perfect, so correct.
I watched Trust for the second time in three days.
Please Help me!
I feel so lucky, not grateful enough.
I am so lucky.
3rd July,
1:15 a.m. I commented on a short of El Ten Eleven, "You will save me.."
You Will Save me.
I commented on Love Luna's latest, "
I didn't mean it to look like that. I meant to be normal.
I thank You for Everything.
I love You Eternally, more thank anything and Everything
. . .
Night.
2:12 a.m.
While .
wow, God whaDo You Think of this?
You See And Hear everything.
You Sacrifice.
What? I do knot know.
I just had more rum.
I feel shame.
I am so horny.I want to explode.
And explain.
Weird, I said Burp me and the computer said,
Convert me.
I will buy time.
I will live in a cool and beautiful place with a cool and beautiful woman.
We will be married in the orthodox church.
Life will be difficult and surprising.
My love will stretch toward infinity.
Becoming most human
we have this gift.
Okay , that's okay for now.
2:55 a.m.
I'm sorry.
I keep getting out of bed.
I just drank more rhum.
I am so horny. I don't know why I don't just masturbate.
Krissy Jae texted me last night. She wants to cuddle even when she's tired. She has chronic fatigue syndrome flare ups.
Ha, the computer said, five bro algebra.
I texted her,
"O, of course (: <3 more than willing."
So I just don't really know how to sleep tonight.
I know I can listen to Sleep with me, podcast. Or something like that. ASMR videos help a lot.
But I get too horny and distracted and excited by existence.
So many beautiful people are creating these beautiful lives
So I don't know how I fit in. ...
You Are in me.
You Are Helping me Always. All ways.
I always want to do the best for You.
I think I want to be pure.
I want to be like stars and clean cool water.
-
Don't say no.
Just say Yes.
4th july
I posted this poem today on my blog, newgirlybelong.blogspot.com ,
Save me. Save me. Save me. Save me,
I sneak around staring at the sun.
The One Last Thing,
Save Everyone.
- Please
and Thank You. . . .
I Hope I love You
I Hope I love You
I Hope I love You.
_
5th July
You Are all-powerful.You Are responsible for everything.
You Do everything..
You Collaborate with us to Create a cosmos as Perfect as You.
Thanks, by the way
You Control everything. We still control parts of ourselves.
I wish I would ask you more questions.
Yes, I got so much closer to you, that it felt unreal, almost too easy.
I felt I really spoke to you as I had never imagined.
And maybe I can hear you. I must.
We are Your children. You Are our Father, our Keeper, our Saviour [safe here. ]
We must choose to listen and obey.
. . .
6,7 2024
Ha, also something that no one wants to hear and should never be true ,
I want to murder someone or myself.
I just want to say something.
Right something.
You are a perfect substitute for morality.
I do not know what that means.
free
Possible crime scene. They make my love look like a bloody fucking triangle of piss and traces.
Sweet quick little pine fun why are we so far from what we will become.?
The possum has given himself to a lady now a bottle of shit is given to the fun time that love can dream of.
Why am I SO fun with a life that I cannot remember? A single woman takes her vows and delivers a sunday morning finality in the soothing scape of a schrine. [[ time]]
I overestimate the people who will judge me.
It is You, You and You.
Mon. July 8th
Hm.
I may have been having a kind of panic attack a moment ago, walking in my apartment.
I remembered Billy saying to take a walk.
Outside.
I.
Am sitting on the end of a stone retaining wall near my building, facing Mabel Davis Park.
I am worried about people looking at me, thinking about me.
That has been an issue with me for long time
. . .
My back is a bit uncomfortable.
I am going to walk about a bit
Now.
Talk with you later.
I hope we do not waste all of chances
For a kind and good life
The end.
Thanks to Her
Thanks to You
All.
I am back in the apt.
Before i went out and wrote the beginning of today's entry [the panic attack]
I was drinking cold black coffee and watching good mythical more,
And Soon after returning
I was doing the same.
So maybe I show symptoms of insanity
I wish I had gone to Liturgy at Saint Elias yesterday
I feel like I cannot stop thinking of Billy
the prostitute or escort who made love with me twice un February.
I want to be with her. I want to be married to her.
She's only really my 2nd sexual experience
I scheduled 3 texts to send her on July 31st.
She told me her birthday is in July.
She turns 26.
I do not know if any of this Can make sense
I am sorry.
Thank You
Amen.
You may have noticed
I am getting sick of myself
and I am confused as to what I should do each waking moment.
I know I and it will get
Better.
You Too
These lights
Are a reminder to always
Love christ and my self.
July 9
They Are always on.
I will replace them.
July 11
I am excited, glad and grateful to be reading Our Lady of the Highway by Hal Hartley.
July 17
I need to read to save the World.
I need to know what people need to live good lives.
I need to know more about people living close to me, and people who want or need my help now.
I want to.
I do not know what to do.
How should I know?
I want to write a plan.
I want to search online for a plan to do good.
I do not know if you know what I mean.
I want to know You , God.
I want to go to church Sunday.
I wonder what my life would be like if I never had to have a job.
I have been jobless for long times. I am lost.
I think I want to stay in a hospital. But I don't know.
I think of Carlos Go., Marxist revolution and Communist Earth.
I should sleep now I guess.
Bye.
20th July
Adam Green , " What a fucking waster. "
I should read more Our Lady of the Highway.
I love it. I texted that I do to Aaron and Andee. And thank you a bunch. Aaron replied.
I am too interested in Bloomburrow.
My excitement reminds me of Neon Dynasty.
I'm sorry for wasting all this time.
I should sleep. It's almost 6. I made coffee before 5. It has half and half. There's a bit more in the mug.
I am watching a set review to prepare for the prerelease.
I am going to costco with Mom about 3.
I just want everything cod. Maybe more Kerry Gold.
Life can be beautiful. I do not know how. Is it obvious?
I will play the New York Times games now.
I like Strands, Spelling bee, wordle and the mini.
Letterbox usually frustrates me.
I promise to make Up to You.
I don't really know why Up is capitalized,, but You Do.
Talk with You All again Soon
I want to view Soon by Hal Hartley.
I will watch Ned Rifle this morning
Twill be very Good.
I get less lazy.
You Give me All,
The Will To Be Better, To Be More.
Thank You for All.
Ned Rifle is life-changing.
2:38 , 21st July
O, Fuck me Harder, God.
Um, What I mean is Mind Fuck.
Make me Different.
Please Help me Fix myself.
Thinking thoughts
Brain Bots
Sleep with me.
Pod cast
Okay I must type.
It is two forty two.
God You Must Be Grateful Too
You Are Grace
Glory. Beauty. Greatness.
Good Game.
I waste Time.
I am Evil.
We all have infinite work.
This is the reconstruction of a formerly eternal reality....
Pod and the bean , for saking ... The Blood , the fascia
. Facing farting penis pornography.
This is not all that I can do.
We are the forehead of the Mind of The Palestinian...
I hope Eternally that I may be one Piece of the most correct question ?
The only God. May we Rest with You.
ctefeeeeyItya
. Yes .
Later....
4..
In a morning,
I am listening to Ned Rifle from another tab.
I am staying awake all night.
I am ashamed.
I dunno why.
Weak, misdirected, misguided, selfish
Maybe it's going to work into something Better
Who?
Wow, Death is So very possible.
As Always.
I may die. So I am full-of-wonder.
Thanks -
It's a whole freak rollercoaster falling off the awesomest waterfall
Designed by a big brain bunch of boys and babes
All in One squeezing the Most nectar-marrow
Out the Fuckin disc
In memoriam
For the Same Being.
Then.
4:46
I've been drawn to what is Different, Because most of everything seems to be silly mindless busyness, Getting from 1 day to the next.
We must change everything To become anything.
My brothers are weird.
And I am the one. ...
Not too special
A little less spicy....
Ha Ha
Huh.
Thank my lucky st-ouffer's macandcheeses.
O, God, Damn my fuck.
5:37
I'm gonna eat Your Flesh and kill Your fucking God.
It is a Mean
I am so tired, started to get sleepy. I wonder if I can sleep most of the day.
I wonder what People are like?
What am I?
Wonder what my face is
I watched Ned Rifle twice. It is brilliant
I stopped a couple minutes till the end
I want to Save it
I am Brilliant : from collapsing clouds of gas and dust.
I am Opposites
mfc.com
I like when you say I am a bad person,
Nothing else to do.
Everything is late.
13:50
All , my fucking god
Jesus fucking christ
This is too much for me, or Who?
I'm going to count myself but just cause I want to die
To melt and Implode.
employed
....
https://youtu.be/kqP16kv3UDw?si=CTNudbQ19Bb-RNh2
I said,
Tomorrow in a day...
[:
I need You more than Any any . . .
I just bought mini box of cab sav At seven eleven.
Sorry.
Your Blood
Is in me , my taste buds
Gullet gut
Tracked
Blood....
It is.
I wrote this at biomat. giving plasma:
My Jesus Poem Prayer
Christ christ christ christ christ christ Christ,
The Leader, The Teacher,
You Give What we live:
in Time Safe <-> lives.
We ask You
Answer
< YES >
I.
Feel unprecedented bliss and anticipationnnn
I have a date with Jae at two p m tomorrow.
It is of course complicated , always more complex.
She has bad chronic fatigue syndrome.
I want to make her come.
I think, though, she will keep our relationship professional. She is a cuddle therapist. I found her online.
We have been texting a lot... though. We shared music with each other.
https://newgirlybelong.blogspot.com/2024/07/whlo.html?m=1
The Tri State
::
Prayer Exercise based on these Alcestesque song titles I made up
1. Do You Have a place for me to sing and be heard fully to fully enter other human souls and set in motion changes that make this weird life into a loving beautiful connection of Gods and eternal humans?
2. What do I do to find a peace that can last, something that will effect my conscious habit and transform my chaos into Your order?
3. You Have Shown us All Clarity. How can we show each other how to learn from mistakes and keep everyone strong and always making things correct?
4. There is choice. We are always ourselves only. You Give All of Yourselves. Each time and thing is the most important for us to pay our best attention to and make reality what we know You To Be. Henry Fool
5. Do You Want us to have fun while we figure out what Truth and justice will be for our eternal salvation?
I Want to Say to Jae on Our Third Meeting
You can come over whenever you want.
We can eat or do anything you want.
[What's minus yards.]
What is mine is yours.
I want to help you feel good.
I want us to be friends forever. [But I don't know if I would really let myself say that.]
I will trust you.
What is your name?
...
_______
God, I love language so much.
22nd July
03:40
It's so Fun to talk to You. Knowing You Are Always Listening
I feel less crazy. Thanks for Everything. And for You.
Are You Self-Created?
Are Y'All Uncreated?
Creator Is enough.
All Really
You Are It.
It is so Good.
God...
You Are The Best
Of all possible bests.
This is always difficult for me to believe.
This is the very point.
I love You
So much.
I want to try to never be misunderstood;
Context is ever important.
Can I help You?
I was talking about times of day out loud for a while,
Which I type just so every one else will know too.
Okay I am going to do some things else , now .
04:23
The Several Sinful Deaths
Deaths are not ends.
We can be dead and dying, in two camps:
Love of Self (with God)
Love Without God
Love is ever inevitable.
Love without God is the opposite of the one true love , God.
Examples are difficult to define or describe.
If we knew more, then we could adequately address these challenges, bringing us further from killing ourselves and closer to our eternal God, the Living in the Meaning of Love.
You know?
Thank you. . . . YOU .
Okallright then . Now,
Don't want to change.
Don't want anyone to change or want to.
I don't know exactly but
I am again watching Joe Pera Builds a Chair with You.
He breaks my heart again.
How does he do it?
How is it possible?
I can only ask You , really.
11:08
I have not slept enough.
I am too excitable.
I feel close to You, God. Maybe close to death and the end of time and everything.
I walked by the pool here.
I saw fairy lights over a 2nd floor balcony.
I thought, I wish I had the time, energy and money.
I walked in Mabel Davis this morning, "I love my composition. I mean my word creations, acceptance and completion." ...
Things get too intense for me.
You know I mean ...
.
Ya
Like It
How do I do It.
Please if I may, Will You give me the power to make better choices?
O. Of course. As always. You Think of everything
15:02
I was waiting for mail. Walking about,
All my efforts are rewarded.
I thank You for insights. I thank You even more for my effort.
That is kind of profound.
O, Jesus. I pray so hard, Jesus.
This ... this. ...
This cannot be fixed.
This is what - who I live with,
My basis of being.
Making peace
Too much I want to tell.
15:57
I drank Yellow Tail Syrah. It's red wine.
I like it. It does something.
Someone knocked my door. They delivered THC gummies. I ate 2
I am going to Jae's apartment in a couple hours. At 19:00.
I know we will hug then cuddle on her bed.
I do feel Like dying.
I just ate. I feel good......... .
. . . .
I want to watch Trust again.
...
Sorry, I forgot. This was supposed to be , from now on , explicitly prayer.
But I guess i'm just conforming to norms.
It helps a lot, My dear god to remember to address you directly.
So now in this blog post i shall remember that I can be your second self. Or fourth self. Like a mirror.
I thank You. Again. And again
How many people are almost identical ' young ' men like me?
How close am I to other Humans?
Ok.Okay . it's 17:17.
Thunder is rolling...
I am listening to CDs... ( see these]
I just heard a mighty wind. It's the opener of a mixed cd I made...
Please help me be sober enough to be A husband to Krissy Jae tonight.
I just need to drive to her apartment.
It begins to rain. Maybe Soon
I don't know what to say. Of course, You hear Everything.
This Prayer blog is for me, or another lost soul on a web browser...
That seems the truest thing I have said.
We live for Each Other.
Oh God. Thank you.
This is even better than the high on thc revelations I was just speaking aloud to meself.
I realised then that I should never worry about the past.
It seems stupid Now.
But i like this Playlist or cD...
I love my highschool self.
He needs it , colloquially.
I feel like I am Marrying Jae. Because we are friends now.. and I paid her to cuddle.
Now we cuddle to help ourselves and each other...
It is so complicated
That it is a reason I have to believe You.
Intelligence is a design, designed intelligently.
So the egg in chicken.
Both are first.
Time is now.
They are Creator and Creators.
It is This beautiful. ....
Anyway. Love is They. Love everone.
Why do I think about murder and suicide the way I do?
I really want to ask you more questions.
Who - - and I don't know where I'm going with this - - but who can realize what the perfect reality would be - even though they are just one human with this much time in a day?
I am listening 2 ... 5 o'clock World by dave clark five.
It is quite nice. I drank too much wine.....
Okay. I know if I'm not being God at this moment,
I must go to my normal journal.
And figure these daily ideas out...
27, 7, 2024
20:12
Oh my God, I love her so much, it feels like my body isn't even mine anymore.
What is it?
She is
So beautiful, It is difficult to believe I get to get so close to her.
Oh Jesus, What do we do with ourselves question mark
Thanks for giving me way more than I can ever understand
!
It Is Good
YOU Are All Good....
Of course, I refer to Jae... or Jen.
Check the other journals. I guess [:
I just do not know what I really Feel or Am
Just feels freaking crazy.
I am getting ready to spend the week at mom's working at josh's house.
Things feel so unreal. so strange.
I just want some help, just to get through the day...
Gosh , it just feels so good, I cannot explain.
But you know specifically , in my life choices...
I just seem like things are Almost Perfect , but in the weirdest way....
I hope this gets through somehow to someone....
Hah this is quite dramatic I guess.
I took 10 mg of THC. Pineapple express.
Si , I'll probably wanna go to sleep in a minute.
Feel like I should eat something
I am really excited about life and the future
People are the best
And the Trinity Is even better
Amen. thank You All
12:56
29, 7, 2024
Why am I so lost?
You Can't Lose anything .
I must ask for all the help I can get?
What do I deserve?
Thanks for Listening
Thanks for Giving me a voice
I love You more than anyone can love anything ,
Everything About You is immeasurable and ineffable .
. . .
It would be weird if someone loved God and loved something more.
-
Why am I obsessed with Women?
I guess it is good to continue humanity, procreate. Make Love
I must pray. I must write.
I must love. I must be Godly.
I just want to make sense,
Be rational, respectful, responsible, reasonable and sensible .
31, 7, 2024
15:30
I am melting. Again. I need Your Structure.
Can You Make me more like DuBois?
I will be grateful Eternally.
So, I need to read and just pay attention to DuBois.
Paying attention is maybe the most difficult.
Am I on any correct path?
I trust that You Help me as much as I deserve.
I am in the ground.
I want to be Trees.
Am I Jesus too?
Jesus is the Best, right?
Well. We have potential to be human Versions of You...
How?
....
09, 08, 2024
It's been too long since I prayed. J is in her way to my place. She's getting food for herself. I wonder if she'll spend the night. That excites me a lot. I ate ten mg of thc a few hours ago. I got sleepy. I ate almonds. I drank a little red wine. I lay on my bed listening to ASMR. sleepwithme is playing.
There's something wrong with J's apartment. She said my AC is probably better than her friend's, where she was.
I took 5 more mg. Maybe I will fall asleep on her. I want to tell her I'm sleepy and that I think I could fall asleep on her. That means physically on her and like on her, as in Don't die on me.
Anyway. I want food. I stress out about having this different intimate relationship. It's almost like we're halfway to boyfriend, girlfriend.
If she weren't coming over, I would have eaten the rest of the Mac and Cheese. I will when she goes.
I am really curious. What will we do? How long will she stay?
Weird timing and everything
11, 08, 2024
11:33
I'm sorry . it's hard to pray.
I am.
Taking a shit
It feels pretty good , because I am usually constipated.
I love myself way too much. It's a problem. I need to pray.
Jen came over friday night.
It was pretty awkward. And I made some regrets. And uh, we got a little closer.
...
It is so difficult, but I know you want me. But do you want me like this?
I do love to struggle sometimes.
I wanted to find that line that Sister Bernadette says that I think was just a few pages ago where I am in our lady of the highway by hal hartley.
All we ask for is burdens.
His burden is.
The best?
Is the miracles
Do we in america?
I want to love like a child of God like an ancient warrior , who loves family and everyone and is tortured and murdered.
I want to help everyone enjoy this Heaven.
5 , September, 2024
5,17
Dear God,
Thanks for words.
Thanks for being.
Who reveals? Who will reveal? What is revelation?
Thank You for church and hands and brains.
. The End .
9-11, 2024
I woke up. How is that possible?
It was a dark morning.
People's lives are fruits and vegetables in a cloth, hanging, squozen together; the juice is the present and the past and perception.
We are animals and refractions of God.
If i am here and now I am always prayers...
Another 24 hours.
.
I'm sorry, but I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about suicide, specifically killing myself but not the detaelse. [I said details. The computer responded with 'detaelse'. Looks like a beautiful word...]
And not a desire to pick up any harmful substances. And harm myself.
I would like to avoid all pain.
That seems absurd because we are just made of things and we feel the world with our nerves, and our brains interpret all of the same things that will keep our bodies, embodied Existence in this reality, will keep us safe, because They love us.
Everything loves us and everyone loves us.
Jesus on the cross
Heyzeus
Yeshua
Josh
.
texted tim that I was late. Then I said I'd be there by nine. Then I said I wasn't feeling right and I went home. I was enjoying just driving around.I was so sleepy that I felt kind of drunk.I unbuckled my seat belt.
I have been awake at night.Watching p*** and other stuff and just surfing the Web and writing things.In listening to music.
I took about half of a t h c gummy.
I feel tired .the. bit.
I really want to know what you mean, and what your whole life and your whole soul .r.
forever.
Anyway
I hope tim is ok , in his mind.
I am.
Having a good day a little fun. I only watched a few minutes of The Girl from Monday.It's really cool, but I keep pausing it.To do stuff like this.
I checked the mail.A bit ago and I wanna check it every 30 minutes so I might catch when the mail comes.I would just like to know.
I was quite excited.I don't know if Krissy, Jae is gonna respond to my texts and that i can go cuddle with her, because she wants to cuddle with me, and we'll get mutual benefits.
I hope I go work.With Tim tomorrow. I am gonna get more high.I just know it.
I am gonna cook tuna creamy broccoli by tuna helper.
I love you so dang funky much.
