It is ridiculous so we will move on.

If I have thought of the best version,

And it is still bad then We can forget it.

No reason to go to new mexico.

Don't buy guns at walmart.

Do not isolate.

The sun sets at sandia peak.

More good to do with words and the Trajectory of the life

Overcome

Gravestone

All of the Entertainment idle

 She's his Christ. 

- I wrote that driving to a Red Robin in north Austin on Wednesday evening. 

Felt serious misjudgement

In our millions of human lives

Sad like broken computers

Impossibility of sleep in ages of intense apology

I am sorry that I kept forgetting. 

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/the-eternal-worm-came-back-for-connecticut

I am back on Instagram 

Greg Stoker love

 I am going to eat a miniature bagel with cream cheese and half a banana this morning. 

Do we live in a

Pharmaceutical corporation television advertisement?

and black coffee.

by Nica.

It was too unpleasant. I put in a lil starbucks vanilla creamer. It's nice now. 

It's in my mother’s refrigerator because Tiffany stayed here a few days.

I am high school. Tim and I do wall work at Josh's new house, with a view of the Colorado river. 

and I do not know how to live 

I just watched" Robert Sapolsky Father-Offspring Interviews: Episode 8 "

I just started watching" Testing New Kitchen Gadgets " the Good Mythical More 'sode

Good and bad

I am a bit like a lychee fruit rolling down a 30° grade walkway

I just put butter and parsley Flakes into a pot of spaghetti. That i just boiled.

I have had some yellowtail Merlot

It was almost four am

Now it's 406

I have eaten spaghetti. It is four fourteen.

I left a comment on the Sapolsky video. 

I was trying to sleep listening to sleep with me podcast.

I went to sleep kind of early after I drank a lot of wine.

It's crazy how I keep scrolling through youtube.

I'm gonna wash my face in a minute. I think I have a zit on my nose.

Tim and I have a short day today. We're not meeting until nine thirty.

Maybe I won't sleep. Maybe I don't want to

 I think I want to finish the spaghetti. [I won't. I slept then sautéed shredded carrots and ate them with spaghetti. ]    Maybe I put more butter on it.

I am going to Watch good mexico morning. I am using the voice input on my phone. It hears differently.

 I wonder what I meant by

    Good and bad

      I am a bit like a Lychee fruit

My mind has been hard and my body

I should do something Better

I keep thinking of what a person should be or do

I keep wondering about these people that I have some connection to,

Passing glances.

Why do I  ]feel[ so disconnected ?

I want to watch Zephyr Teachout on the Real organic podcast

Good night good bye good luck

I love you

Forever and everrr

The end

"Do you"

Hows Your?

Gregory Douglas Wredberg

29-04-2024

I oscillate between wanting nothing more than health, doing tiny things to try to get better, and thinking that I don't care at all, even wanting to be unhealthy. 

I fantasize about being seriously sick or disabled, cancer or the like, so that I am taken care of for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do for a living, but work for Tim.

I don't know why.

Would I rather go home earlier, or make more money . . .

I like to stare at the sun. I'd like to be blind. 

 

Hello, this is a journal entry. Just look at my own face for a minute. Oh my God, my eyes, my silence, just just oh my God, I just feel like so much so many tears forming at the same like.

 I don't know. Anyway, I wonder why I think it's a kind of virus or a bacterial infection. 

Anyway, but the real reason I started crying so hard when I started this video. It's a journal confi confession, shouldn't. 

There's Alex Ramirez right there. He's a good painter. He's a good person.  I texted him about a concert. I haven't bought a take it yeah, DJ Shadow on October 20th third in Austin, Texas at the mohawk.

 It's talk.

 Sorry about how I look and sound like everything else. That's wrong with the cosmos at this, a moment of etern

i've been drinking red wine.  I think I'm getting close to a bottle. I have to go I think be nice to make some edits to this video to make it more watchable. I think I look attractive to myself. And see all the bumps and pours and blemishes. And acne, I guess.  

Chase, I know. Just look how many leaves. It's going to be like a billion leaves. Yup billion leaves. Do I really see a billion leaves? If no I have to actually my mind has to perceive each leaf. I don't know, maybe I could, if I really concentrated maybe.  And 1 day I can walk around and see a billion leaves. I can't remember my mind. 

All of us, Walgreens and my brain isn't capable off remembering everything tbut. Some people have brains and and mine.  That's where they are late, not distracted by their own existence or daily life. And I like the sabbath. 

I saw on YouTube while ago. Who'd just like he went to Tokyo for the first time and then looked out of a winning dough at the city scape of Tokyo or.  I think it's Tokyo and he he looked at it for like 30 seconds or a minute and then he went off and drew a sketch of every building. Everything you saw on the Tokyo skyline. And it was pretty accurate, she just. And it was pretty accurate, so you just imprinted and it's mind his memory. 

Anyway, so I'm just saying there's a lot of leaves. Around here, I'm next to. This is a park called Maple Davis and the tree is are going over the fence onto my window.

 And I think I should have some sort of life where I interact with as many other humans as I can. Do in a healthy responsible way.  

We're like there's a community of us and we help each other in every way. And I find something that I am proficient for the community. 

And it's a given take and ithere's feast in the famine. And we devise technology and systems to systems to deal with.  Our fragility, our vulnerability of being flesh and bone bland then, while we're in the time between our parents conceiving us and the time that our bodies are dying, just turning back into.  

Adam's dit's um's Dustin ether and decomposing back into soil or just being cremated and being part of the atmosphere. 

And you know everything deep space. I put a stuffed crust 5 cheese or 4 cheese. Thanks, 5 Cheese Pizza. 

 Sir, I'd just wanna know. I put it in the oven a few minutes ago I set the timer anyway. 

Yeah, I guess I'm only like 2 or 3 minutes. I'm like maybe 5 minutes into the first episode of Twin Peaks the season under whatever 2017 Twin Peaks. One of my favorite thing that exists.  

It feels so like a crystal of meaning like David Lynch has been thinking and trying to craft this um image. He calls it a film. I think I watched all this special features. That I mean, I didn't play. I didn't pay any close attention but it's a better handle.

 Like my redneck that's from working with. Don't I don't wanna shave my face just because I would be so strange after all this time of having this big beard.  I thiok next January I'm gonna shave. I'm gonna shave on January 1st 2025 I hope you can hear me. 

Well, it's so weird to look at myself. And look at the camera. My eyes are pretty blue. I thought they were a lot of grain in them. Anyway, I'm thinking of killing myself a little bit ago ] Possibility [   I think it crosses my mind every day because. Because if you like it's almost impossible to mthe best decisions. I keep feeling guilty and stupid and wrong. Feel like I've made so many wrong choices. It defines me.  They define me like.

 I don't know what exactly I am but what I do is more in line with what I am what it shoes I mean when I make all these weird.  Choices.

 Like this doesn't seem real. It's not because I've had too much alcohol. I just think why is this me? Oh. oh yeah, it's a cliche to ask. Why are we here?  But it's accurate to the human condition. 

Like What Is the What should I do now? What do I want? Why do I think? Why do I think about what I should or what to do? It's? Is there a reason for me to do anything?  Or the meaning of life. The point of life is to help other people do what.

 You can't avoid sufferi'm really grateful for this wine people.  People have a feeling that other people need alcohol. So they make alcohol they keep making alcohol. What people want alcohol, so they keep buying it. People won't know that other people will buy alcohol. So because it makes them forget. It makes everything easier even if it's not.  Is really less difficult or painful. I mean, things become easier to do. Time passes more easi. Feel like yeah, people say that people become the truth comes out and people become honest when they're drinking.  And that might be true, also, just less rational and practical.

 I don't know what don't wanna drink anymore. Wine. Oh my God, this video, it's along. Yeah, I keep keep looking so addicted to.  Sexual pleasure and nude women and the internet. And I'm so fascinate. 

I was looking at a man. And woman walking together and just trying to imagine there's a woman and a man. And?  They are independent and they're thinking I want a boyfriend. Is needless trials of life? And I want AI want a good friend to help me. And I want to be a part of something accomplishing something better than what I could accomplish alone

 I think that's Is more than just a physical romantic sexual relationship that might be part of that? I mean, there's a billion for each person. There's a different reason to want and to want a relationship and to do almost anything you can to be intimately.  Living with someone else, I guess or whatever? 

But also those things I described about the mothat's like what Washington's why humans do all the time.  And what may I guess sort of wet? We're made to do so OK. Real I feel like.

 Anyway, I think I'm gonna do another one of these pretty sooh. Yeah, I just wanted to transcribe a lot of a lot of this. Probably make it in like h sentence as it's on paragraph. Alright, I love you so much.  I'm gonna fly to another plane of existence. Good night, bye, love you. Bye..

 " There's nothing to do outside. I could greet my neighbors and talk about God. There's nothing to do outside. I could watch the nature and think about Good. "

Eleven minutes after midnight aaron texted a picture of Nikki the Hegelian's twitter page and he said, ' She follows me!'

I scheduled a reply for 8:42 this Sunday morning.

I feel really lazy. I took some piece of weed gummy a few minutes ago.

I've been lying in bed and on the couch so much that my lower back hurts a bit.

I'm happy that I found gab smolders, and i'm watching her play the excavation of hob's barrow.

So many things to be obsessed about online.

I had a lot of junk food. I felt a little sick.

I got motion sick on the bus with alex going to see Joe Pera. On the way back I almost threw up.

I was really nice show. I heard a little bit of it from his podcast.

There's no more things about me

Goodnight I'll work with you next week and live forever tomorrow.

Allan Best sent me a message on Signal that the PSL event was canceled. 

I want to find out more. I want to help good politicians, people get good things done.

We will learn soon

Bye.

 

Aaron sent me this.

I often feel he is attacking me. He is much better than me, I should be slapped into being a decent contribution to history.

Or maybe.

I wonder what the drawing's message was originally. 

I see the smiler thinking, '

     I am excited to show everyone how stupid and ugly this world is. I change things, this World can change, forever. We will Make it.

'

I am pooping. I just played Waking Up Early to Leave This Place by Flatsound, on the TV. There is a sad, boring song playing now, I don't know it. It is too early. I lay in bed too long, my lumbar aches.

I am journaling. I want to get better. I made 2 scramled eggs yesterday evening. A little bit ago, I microwaved them with butter. I put balsamic on them.

My feet are tingling, because I sat on the toilet too long. I want another cup of coffee. I want to re-reheat the eggs with more butter.

I am going to give plasma at 9.

From there I will drive to my ma's house.

We have chores.

I am listening to this her,

Makeup & Chat GRWM | Whispered, Love Luna ASMR

https://youtu.be/CmSX1-nJM-E?si=lYzJOFcNlFFr3iZC

Tomorrow the whole family is going to sherwood forest faire.

I have no plans next week, except Friday Alex and I are going to the Joe Pera show at the Paramount Theatre.

Thursday, I have a plasma appointment at 8 something.

I will make another one for Saturday.

I hope I do something good.

I hope to love and respect myself.

That's it for now. Talk to you soon.

Totle

 Why am I tense, thoughtless, backward or useless?

How limitless is human consciousness? What unimaginabilities are we capable of?

Humans have to struggle.

Life is full of balances of pain, pleasure, failure success, bad, good and death.

I was walking and talking with aaron. An image of humans as a sort of membrane between God and their creation came to me.

We struggle in different ways to different degrees.

Before tim got to the job site

 I walked to the river. 

It is beautiful.

Every one deserves every one else's respect and love. 

Even if that is not true, it should be. 

    I recorded this at home before work:

' Why do I think, " I don't care. I want to give up. I should give up." ?

I am intimidated by Nikki, @returntohegel.

I think she is pretty, and I want to be with her.

Similarly, I am intimidated by aaron,

    What it means to think effectively and effect positive change in the cosmos.

'

I give up on my blog "maybe something" for a while.

I just want to journal. Just want the truth.

 I'm orthodox Christian. 

I hope we all are divine, liturgical and Saints.

 The past and the future are in the present. The past is so alive, the future so possible. 

https://oakygo.blogspot.com/2024/03/i-am-alcoholic-drug-addict.html

 maybe something

Thursday, March 28, 2024

I am an alcoholic drug addict.

My mind is a willow tree.

I beg for pure water, H²O.

Ask me anything. 

Ask Me Something, please. 

I don't know where or why

And what who Real

. . . .

It is 'correct wisdom". 

This The Meaning 

And I am a porn addict.

All I really care about is a sex worker, who goes by Billy. I just need money to spend time with her 

I wish she and I were spouses

I know I am insane, so maybe I am not. 

My name is not Gregory Douglas Wredberg .

I cannot, and I mustn't. 

I was working with Tim at 112 Lincoln 

I am 

Tired 

I had a hot shower 

And over half a cayman jack 

Posted by Gregory at 11:13 AM No comments

A journal entry, video

 Hello, every god and woman alive.

Ha, that sounds bad. I'm getting really high right now. I had over half a gummy, Over fifty milligrams. Have also had a bit of wine. I got a magnum of Oak Leaf red blend.

See me. See my face, my nose, my lips, my eyeballs. Take my ears off. Take my cheeks and suck on them until you reclaim the woods for the holy people. Sorry. That sounded weird too.

 Wait, what did I want to do? Oh my gosh.

I want to do real journal. Wanted to put a journal entry on my blog.

 It's just too difficult to type. Especially since i'm so high and had some wine right now.

It's just really good to be honest and exhaustive with what's going on in my life. My thoughts right now about myself in my place in this universe ... are as follows ...

My head feels real weird, Not like my brain or my consciousness, but just The weight of my skull and brain.

Like what are they doing? Where are they goin?

This morning, I was gonna go early. I went about ten a.m. I parked at Auditorium Shores and walked to the Paramount Theatre. It was pretty fun.

I saw that the box office was closed. I checked online; they didn't open till noon. I got there an hour early.

I want to print the Joe Pera tickets. I put them on a credit card; my mom paid for them. I told her I would pay her back later, but i'm not going to. I think she forgot... maybe until I tell her i'm going to the show. I don't know if I need to tell her: there might be something else going on. 

Then I just kept thinking about coming back to this apartment to eat some marijuana thc. Just call it cannabis. And get real horny.

And also go get some wine, because for some reason, I wanted to keep a bottle in stock in my pantry. Just in case i'm having company. Ha. That's only happened once or twice, over one year.

I wanted to have any french, Hyink, and Parker. Over here and make them mac and cheese.

Show them my little apartment and the park. They have their little children, boy and baby girl.

I imagine bringing a date to my appointment. It's such a weird idea for me to actually date people. Try to attract an attractive woman to be in my life.

So we can go out to eat like we have all this money.

What can I offer her? Why would I want to date people?

I do want to have sex with people,  attractive women. Because i've been watching porn for twenty years online?

The stuff my brothers downloaded on the family computer. Being really excited and frustrated

From video games and watching my brothers play them? Just from being hormonal and young

Sneaking off to the bathroom every five minutes to touch myself, and my brothers caught me

It's interesting. I guess i'm going to transcribe this to my blog. Maybe tomorrow.

I am gonna take some more weed. Each of these gummies are a hundred milligrams of thc, So it's really easy for me to get too much, too much under the influence.

I gotta watch twin peaks: the return. I just borrowed it from aaron yesterday.

Aaron and Andee gave me my christmas present, just three months after christmas. It's a book by a really good writer/director/independent filmmaker Hal Hartley. It's Our Lady of the Highway.

It will be nice to read. I feel obligated to read it, because they gave it to me.

They think I should read it, so I should read it. Anyway, it looks cool. I want to read it.

Yesterday I helped aaron move his books to my mom's den. They talked for 5 minutes. It was pretty awkward. I said almost nothing. Kind of a weird conversation, my mom saying stuff I didn't want her to, not embarrassing for me but a little tense and silly.

I got to hug Andee, going back to their place. I hugged malakai goodbye. And hugged Aaron of course. I just left for some reason. Aaron was pretty hungry.

It was only two o'clock. I wanted to leave, because I had an appointment to donate plasma.

I don't want them to know that I donate plasma. I mostly do it for the money. But also I used to donate blood, because it felt good. It's something that I kind of enjoy, slightly painful, slight risk, sometimes. Mostly I like medical settings. I love Medical asmr. Just like someone.. you have to follow their instructions. Nothing has been seriously wrong with me, my health. I'm pretty lucky.

I don't know if i'm gonna get more high. It's good to walk around and talk. Okay, it's over ten minutes. I'm gonna finish this wine, just this glass. I'm gonna reheat the rice bowl I just made and watch something on youtube. Oh i've got Dex Bonus. Yeah, that's how this video started.

Dodger: i'm going to see her and listen to her talking.

All right, I don't know if there's anything else I wanted to confess or talk about.

Lots of weird stuff. I just felt weird even before I. I felt weird this morning, because I just had a little bit of rice. I fell asleep really early last night, because I had too much marijuana weed t h c gummy. 

Okay, I'm gonna go. My mouth is getting dry, or like my tongue is getting [sorry] sore .

Allright, talk to you soon. I love you. 

https://youtu.be/azfnEydPytE

 Hi, how are you?I am pretty high right now.Oh I also had almost half a bible at of wine , almost I for got

I just heard Kyle kinane [brennan's Blocks] talk about his social group in the Midwest and how complaining had to be funny.Or you are but put down by everyone listening

And I thought of my friend and prostitute.Her name is Billy.It's a name she gave herself.And I hope to go make love with her a third time in the next few weeks in april.

And thought of trying to smoke weed in the woods. That was a weird highschool party. I forgot most it. Kristie Time to Pretend mgmt

So I thought I have needed to try to connect with people around me more

I needed to listen to them and. Ask questions and share personal things

Then I would understand people better

And I could maybe plan my life and how to make everything better in the future

.Maybe a very long time '  in'  and many lifetimes away

My life and mind, journal

Ing 

Hi, I love u

I just texted 'Billy':    " I cannot wait to be with you [: ha, what is the Future like?  "

I wish I would try

To be much less Horny

I am sad to be scared.

I would rather be dead

Really

If we just think about it  . . .

Drinking healthy water is miraculous. 

Think about Palestine. 

Who is true?

 I am and was

afraid to attend a boycott SXSW protest. There are many military industrial, imperialist genocide supporters 

And many angry, tired poor persons

Just a bit like me

I do knot know how

I must eat well and sleep well.

Go out side

I am watching Pewdiepie and family on a winter trip

Marzia is very attractive

Mercy on us.

I saw this graffiti under 35 at 71

        keep austin distracted

Text to Aaron: 

Alex is doing Koop stuff after work. I think he and I will finally hang out tomorrow. I will be shutting down south by south west in a few hours.

I should watch more Colonial Outkast podcast.

Greg Stoker

Aaron sent a real nice video of him yesterday. 

Revolutionary Blackout is good too

I wrote this on a check ghost in my car this morning,

        For Your Memory - Do we care if we know if we can remember you or me.?

Some things took more time. Shred cheese only after churning . . .

( Repossess Your Age )

I don't feel Well. Physically I am about 80 percent, but mentally gotta be less than 40...

'

Why the sky is a triangular

Prop me up on your toast wheel.

Give as much as we afford....

I am so high right now.I think I had 50 mg.I had a bigger piece a couple hours after the first.

My heart starts racing , saying my breathing gets shallow.

I paused in the middle of the episode where anny blackbird comes in. I think there's maybe 3 episodes.

Everything is amazing if ya know what i mwan

afraid to attend a boycott SXSW protest. There are many military industrial, imperialist genocide supporters 

And many angry, tired poor persons

Just a bit like me

I do knot know how

I must eat well and sleep well.

Go out side

I am watching Pewdiepie and family on a winter trip

Marzia is very attractive

Mercy on us.

I saw this graffiti under 35 at 71

        keep austin distracted

Text to Aaron: 

Alex is doing Koop stuff after work. I think he and I will finally hang out tomorrow. I will be shutting down south by south west in a few hours.

I should watch more Colonial Outkast podcast.

Greg Stoker

Aaron sent a real nice video of him yesterday. 

Revolutionary Blackout is good too

I wrote this on a check ghost in my car this morning,

        For Your Memory - Do we care if we know if we can remember you or me.?

Some things took more time. Is shred cheese only after churning . . .

( Repossess Your Age )

I don't feel Well. Physically I am about 80 percent, but mentally gotta be less than 40...

'

Why the sky is a triangular

Prop me up on your toast wheel.

Give as much as we afford....

I am so high right now.I think I had 50 mg.I had a bigger piece a couple hours after the first.

My heart starts saying my breathing gets shallow.

I paused in the middle of the episode where anny blackbird comes in. I think there's maybe 3 episodes.

Everything is amazing if you know what I mean

I know what I mean

Okay I gotta go to bed.

ou know what I mean

I know what I mean

Okay I gotta go to bed.

 Look at the recording on the TV. It's dreaming for my it's called Smart View. And it's my cell phone capability. Wait definitely where my phone can see what it is named. Oh, there. It goes. That's so cool. I haven't I done this before.  I love it so much. I love you. Oh wow, that's so cool anyway. Yeah, it's called vampire mirrors, infinite mirrors or speaker and speaker mirror mirror mirror mirror in the mirror anyway, here's my face. I'm looking at my face on the TV while so many possibilities with.  The things that people do by people I'm in humans, but also mean people. What's the Latin word for people? I wanted to write something about Homo sapiens, which is a singular Latin. No, my tongue hurts because I drank a lot of wine.  I wanna go home. I wish I would.

Not not be so forgiving of myself. I don't know how to say. Forgiveness is a special thing. Forgiveness is completely acceptable and necessary and every instance.  Fast effects and I mean, is I don't wanna. I want to be a better person

I wanted to write something about homosapiens. The species species is also a singular. No, what's the plural species?  I don't care. I'm on my way home on my way to this Apartment. This one bedroom Apartment which is like this is 1 room. I think with the living room and kitchen just separated by this bar. And then there's one room and then a tiny bathroom. A tiny toilet room toilet bath. And then there's the sink in the bed and the dust that I don't use anymore because.  This computer is too old and slow. Babe indigenous, oh Native American anyway. I had so much wine too much wine into short amount of time. That I was like. I trusted myself to get a box of wine which is 4 bottles and I thought I can make this last 4 weeks.  You can have like a glass or 2 every day and then skip some days but no I will drink at least a bottle every day because I don't because I want to be like I am right now. I want to I want to be a different person. I want to lose control completely. I want to black out. I don't want to have to try to be a better person. Than I just want it. I just want my body to do the things I think I should do.  You know, I don't have wire. I want to do something difficult and memorable and important, and I'm dumb

So honest I want to be. I wanna be honest and authentic. I wanna be what I Honest and authentic, I want to be what I really am. I want to create. I want to what is the point of human exisi need to try.

A couple of hours ago, my mom Barbara.  Is Harris and I her name was Barbara Gayle Milner and she married. William James redfand she divorced and married Terrence Harris. No, she's by break Gayle Harris that from Bastrop. Text social up from there. But she's lived there. Most of her life.  My name is Gregory Douglas redberg. In case people are finding this thousands of years in the future and want to examine my corpse. And a Brianna made me into f****** hellish heavenly existence of eternity and God lonely lonely people. I want there to be a Latin.  Phrase that can describe the heathe human species. As it is right now being like so weird 2. And like I guess I'm accidentally appear.  Is rate of like transition into a more intellectual

Like COVID-19 and the Coronavirus or whatever COVID-19 excuse me

SARS, COVI-19 [p4a video, project HEAL]  

I really changed a lot for humanity. I think more so psychologically. The lockdown's are really important and people are re-examined themselves. And their lives my tongue hurts are I don't know I feel kind of full of wine. I want to tell her that I love her a lot. But I gotta gotta go to bellington boulevard.  Someday I'm gonna make a mind. She's a pretty nice girl And to the point I guess I'm just. There's so many things that I think I need to do by what should I really do.

I just don't know how to think or believe or behave.  I was walking to my mailbox to get my mail. And I was thinking how old I was had my head disturbed on inside out. And I had these overalls and other thinking that people and I was half drunk so all the people could see that I was walking weirdly.  And anyway, and I have a big stupid beard meaning I just yes, I don't know. I look different. Maybe I people might notice me and think what? Alright, when I gotten close to the pool. This guy I guess is alcoholic.  It was holding 2 Miller, lights or Miller highlights. Cans, 12 oz cans in one hand and his hat like a huge belly. He was under 6 feet tall and probably 200 or at least 200 pounds. Cause it is like a huge belly.  I still understand the appointment

That's just like a human person. I just saw the extremes of human experience

It's like someone I just.  Is pushed out of another pushed out of a human female like on the 3rd floor of a basement in the middle of a war. Torn poverty-stricken nothing less. And then there's a human who's pushed out of a female.  Is on a space station with luxury gelato fountains and that stars and how do I describe French masterpieces? Floating is an Amber that was designed by.  Scientist artist, who was born a 1000 years ago and only rich people know that he's been kept. Ali've done by Kyle Jenner is biogenic and dumb. Every like wealthy billion, the wealthy billionaires are. I'm doing at the same time satanic dances.  And sacrificing they have factories. I like of a million uh refugees of it's a drug gang wars that they're farming for a drain of criminal COVID-19 vaccines life. Life is so.  Weird.

 I need to try to fix my situation. There's the guy doing the same and the girl doing the other saying. Actually, there's Alex Ramirez and do I need to spell my last name? Will this actually survive the end of civilization?  WRE DBE RG, will people know what English is or alphabeis a batch or a computer chimps? YouTube, YouTube. I think it's been a long time since I began recording this.  So spend 15 minutes. That's usually my limit these days. I thought I wanted to say something. I just gotta. I just need money in this late stage capitalism. And I just need to do a job at the I. R. Yes. And.  Find a way to make it till next month. And then my family dies dynamite. I die pretty soon and my friends die. And everyone who's ever thought about anyone dies. And then the other people keep going and do something different. I guess. Or maybe they do the same.  And they're just disconfused and lonely, and then something else happens in the universe urge you born. I'm getting a Goodbye. Talk to morning. I love everyone. Everyone is waiting Good Night.

ddotgdtmssstyyu.d

..d.....o..o..s..e..e..s..s..n..n..n..a..r..g..m..e..s..g..g..g..f..f..f..e..m..n..m..n..f..e..h..e..s..y..e..m..m..h..g..t..h..h..r.....s..s..m..e..g..e..s..e..e..n..y..n..y..h..e..e..e..b..b..b..b..b..d..s..s..r..d..y..y..e..e..t..t..t..e..h..y..d..o..s..d..n..o..t..t..t..d.....y..y..y..d..e..s..t..r..n..g..s..e..r..h..d..e..e..I..m..s..s..s..d..s..d..s..n..o..y..h..n..n..e..t.....e..e..h..f..p..g..s..n..s..n..s..g..n..h..y..n..r..a..f..e..t..t..a..r..t..e..n..e..e..n..t..t..d..r..r..r..f..p..h..S..s.....e..e..e.e.n.f.s.e.e.o.n.n.n.ttdts.yyeeeeesdtdrdoyltraslesssdnsksntsretrooog.llsydsslettetkkeeeteeettkwtgdrdgteyd..ygtedeokkssdetslslddterdysllgxlsyoxyog.eeeerkow...l..e..y..s..d..d..a..g..y.....e..e..d..o..t..t..r..t..r..t..e..l..l..d..e..e..s..r..y..s..s..e..d..s..d..m..d..e..d..t..t..y..d..n..y..c..e..s..e..k..y..d..u..t..d..y.....n..n..n..t..e..e.e.n.r.r.r.s.I.t.d.m.d.n.d.n.lmllleoontseezzyssaeaenoodeoegywtssssssteennneee.tteotememeeyydyyeoetyhegggoneeaepeet2edewsdsgeeeygddsgyrse..neeertegttlspmmssreassedddddsmhdrrreeyaseIns.eemoom really......y..y..t..e..e..c..d..t..t..t..e..a..e..e..e..e..t..t..t..b.b.t.d.e.d.t.t.g.o.y.w.y.e.I.w...o.o.d.k.s.g.y.y.t.t.t.n.r.o.y.o.e.t.w.t.o.I.y.e.l.o.n.n.n.n.n.n.t.o.t.w.t.e.e.t.I.e.y.x.t.k.k.l.o.s.y.s.n.y.y.o.s.d.e.....s.k.t.h.s.t.s.m.r.e.l.x.t.f.y.t.e.e.e.t.o.g.h.e.y.h.t.y.n.a.d.w.e.t.g.t.w.o.o.o.....e.e.t.d.k.d.k.k.c.e.n.h.h.h.t.m.t.y.m.m.g.a.n.m.e.s.n.r.s.d.t.n.h.d.m.g.h.k.m.e.s.e.s.t.m.e.t.s.o.e.m.d.m.e.m.e.?.s.s.s.d.r.s.o.n.e.w.r.k.s.s.s.s.s.s.n.s.t.g.nreoootsnsssts.eetyyydeyssglsstywffggtoot

I am going to finish reading this book.

 

Here is the computer telephone microphone hearing me read out loud,

"

This was the first ever statistical law in physics. The Maxwell distribution of molecular velocities. The distribution turned out to be have a bell shaped form. That was already familiar. Bell curve corresponded to a velocity of 0. And it's science works symmetrically. In the positive negative directions, it's shaped varied with temperature. The hotter, the gas, the flatter and wider the bell. The average velocity in any particular direction is always 0 whatever the temperature, but the average speed and irrespective of direction was greater the higher the temperature and from the statistical distribution of velocity. It was a simple matter to doorive the distribution of speeds.

He had made the discovery of the first magnitude. It opened up an entirely new approach to physics, which led to statistical mechanics to a proper understanding of thermodynamics and to the use of probability distributions. And quantum mechanics if he had done nothing else. This breakthrough would have been enough to put him among the world's greatest scientists. The key to the argument was the assumption embodied in  statement 2 that the 3 components of velocity are statistically independent. 

This was pure intuition. James felt that it must be true. Although he conceded that the assumption may appear precarious. Years later, the formula was verified in experiments showing that his intuition was correct. Like so many of James' ideas, the swing sprang from analogy. for years, physicist had used statistical methods to allow for errors in their experimental observations;

They knew that errors and measurement tended to follow statistical laws. Shall scientists to have you such message to study characteristics of populations? What had occurred to no-one [know? One] names are a cold reading about 9 years earlier. In account of the work of Adolphe Quetelet, the Belgian statistician, which included a simple derivation of the formula for errors which underlies the method of least squares a way of making the best estimate from a scattered set of observations, this gave just the analogy he needed and hindsight. It seems so simple. anyone could have picked up the least square's formula and applied it to gasses. But to make the connection it needed, to repeat robert milliken's words , : one of the most penetrating intellects of all time'.

No-one had known gases consist of molecules

Okay. I will just read to myself without doing this anymore. 

I will just be a normal reader. A human who learns and grows, reading and the rest of living

Good Bye.

Journal and Confession 1

Hello, I am 34 years old. I am in my mom's house again, lying on my bed. I need to fix my mind totally. I need to change, so that I can live a somewhat real life.

I get really anxious about my friendships and my everyday obligations. 

I need to take better care of myself. I will dissolve into an abyss of oblivion and be nothing to anyone.

Maybe, everyone needs everyone ;   and we can live and work and play Together. And things can always get better.

I want to try to connect every person :: living, dead and those who follow us.

So that is what I am. 

My mom is making Chicken and dumplings.

 I really want to help her, because I like to eat it.

 It is nice. And memories are good.

I'll talk to you soon ; I hope to hear - love - you

Of You

 Could it be scientific scripture, a new Bible book? I don't know how silly that is. I'm pretty sure it's  mind-blowing earth-skaking text (x --

It's vital to never think anyone is perfect. You might be working the hardest to transcend, lead us in co-creating the Kingdom, but the rest of us are equally obligated.

One more thing. It'll be very long before I understand that distinction of charity from the Lonergan works. But I am very curious about "in" as opposed to "on". If you can offer a hint. Thanks a billion, my bud. hah

I don't want to be evil. Passive or active, I need to fix my evil intentions.

Conscious or unconscious . . .

Nature is not evil. There is evil in nature.

There is evil and good in each human.

More good than evil.  

I want to be good 

Then all bets

Best of the all are best of the best to All and stay 

My Own Theology

Email to Aaron, my last edit :

My writing, journal, and a song I like a lot

Talking about God... I want to remember how I started my philosophy. It's very difficult. I had some coffee and not enough sleep, sorry. God is more than mystery. God is never paradoxical. God is both within and surrounds all the mystery, of our selves and our lives. Thinking this thought train...

All that We think and everything in our minds and in our lives is a way that God are pulling us, calling us to be with Them. I want to say a part of Them, but that's somewhere that I have been mistaken quite often. It's true that We can't be separate from God. I like the analogy of an egg, like the mystery of within and without. But then I remember the human womb. I mean, there are human eggs too, but like a fetus or an embryo of a human growing in the Womb. 

Thinking about Mary, the Theotokos and Christ makes me want to cry. I'm laughing because I want to cry. I'm laughing at all of it and crying about all of it. 

It might rain today. It's just cloudy and sunny at the same time. Sunny right here. Cloudy over there. I don't know if that's a metaphor. 

 But the Church is a womb where we belong, where we are reborn. The Church is the way that God brings us to our full potentials, of course with voluntary participation, our free will. 

Father John Behr has taught me, maybe, as much as my best friend. I had a really nice talk with Aaron. He said he couldn't talk very long, but it felt long to me, because he told me a lot about what he was writing and about the Old Testament, the ancient Jews, Israelites and other kingdoms, their cosmology, eschatology.

What did father John bear say? I feel pretty spaced out and tired. I just need to do the right thing. Other than the Church, I have no idea where to go or what to be or do. O, [! ...

I look to Father Behr videos to remember. The Church is mother, our communion, why we are created in Their image, our full potential. Father John said in a video, and I'm paraphrasing, of course, to be a real living human is to take up the cross, meaning to follow Jesus, follow his example by sacrificing ourselves for the love of our neighbors, meaning every other human and person who will ever exist. It is no small ask, no small feat, to live completely as a voluntary act of love, universal unconditional love. 

Do anything for anyone any time, not because they ask you to or because you think you should for any reason other than, People are innately worthy of all of your love. 

The meaning of life and the purpose of humans is to help each other in every way, forever, all the time, no conditions or restrictions or limits, whatsoever. 

 I gotta watch some YouTube videos. No, I'd be nice to read a book or something. Maybe I'll actually try to transcribe and edit what I just said, so that I can understand my own theology, philosophy, whatever. Theology is good.

                  

 The 1st edit :

 Talking about God... I wanted to try to remember how I started my philosophy talk. It's very difficult. 

I have had some coffee and not enough sleep, so sorry if I'm too difficult. I say something about mystery. God is more than mystery God is never paradoxical. God is both within and surrounds all the mystery, of our selves and our lives. Let's begin this train. 

All that We think and everything in our minds and in our lives is a way that God are pulling us in and calling us to be with Them. I want to say a part of Them, but that's somewhere that I have been mistaken quite often. It's true that We can't be separate from God. I like the analogy of an egg, like when I was thinking of the mystery of within and without. But then I remember the human womb. I mean, there are human eggs too, but like a fetus or an embryo of a human growing in the Womb. 

Thinking about Mary, I'm sorry, the Theotokos and Christ, makes me want to cry. I'm laughing because I want to cry. I'm laughing at all of it and crying about all of it. 

It might rain today. It's just cloudy and sunny at the same time. Sunny right here. Cloudy over there. I don't know if that's a metaphor. 

 But the Church is a womb where we belong,  where we are reborn. The Church is the way that God brings us to our full potentials, of course with voluntary participation, in our free will. 

Father John Behr has taught me almost as much, if not as much or more, as a my best friend Aaron. In a YouTube video Father John says. 

 

  

  [ I forgot what I was about to say. I'm burping up some eggs. That's appropriate. I guess not in the practical sense. Then metaphorically so, maybe. The metaphor can also be practical. 

I had a really nice talk with Aaron. He said he couldn't talk very long, but it felt long to me, because he told me a lot about what he was writing and about the Old Testament, the ancient Jews, Israelites and other kingdoms, their cosmology, eschatology.

]

What did father John bear say? I feel pretty spaced out and tired. I really need a job because I feel guilty and lost most of the time, so that will be good. - Actually I just need to do the right thing. Other than the Church, I have no idea where to go or what to be or do. O [! ...

I got an offer from the IRS, so hoping I can work for them pretty soon. I guess I'll miss going to South Padre Island, unless I can take off. I think I have to wait like a month or 2. Oh, maybe something else will happen. I'd like to be an Amazon flex driver as well. Sorry, this is just a diary entry. 

Now I gotta look at Father Behr videos to remember. Oh, the Church is mother, our communion, why we are created in Their image, our full potential. Father John said in a video and countless other times I'm sure. I'm paraphrasing, of course. To be a real living human is to take up the cross, meaning to follow Jesus, follow his example by sacrificing ourselves for the love of our neighbors meaning every other human and person who will ever exist. It is no small ask, no small feat, to live completely as a voluntary act of love, universal unconditional love. 

Do anything for any one any time, not because they ask you to or because you think you should for any other reason other than, People are innately worthy of all of your love. 

The meaning of life and the purpose of humans is to help each other in every way, forever, all the time, no conditions or restrictions or limits whatsoever. 

 I gotta watch some YouTube videos. No, I'd be nice to read a book or something. Maybe I'll actually just try to transcribe and edit what I just said, so that I can understand my own theology, philosophy, whatever. Theology is good. 

Yeah, but I'll let you just go. I'll talk to you soon. This is over, right? Oops, I don't know where to point it. I feel kind of trapped here, but it's still nice. Good Night.

Love, Gregory Wredberg 

. . . .

 https://youtu.be/BJhmjccKtbo?si=ru-BY3BzofM8ymdo

Legacy Treatment Center Intake Form

 This is too hard. I could type forever about this. My best friend is Aaron. He is a member of the Orthodox Church and a master of philosophy. My relationship with him is by far more important than anything else..

 Even my relationship with God, Jesus. That is good enough for now. 

Pre fer

 [ voice a.i. mis under stood .

https://youtu.be/uqGQs4-TYbM?si=FbPaSjPJbZIIyLEm

Hi and I just blew my note. And I just blew my nose in the sink. I was crying a lot. No, it's crying, just a little bit.

The main menu's clock was snapped. Sorry, the camera so close to my face. No, no, it's not it's real.  I had a lot of red wine today, I don't know what to do I just I don't know a lot of I've seen a lot of things and thoughts I don't know. I just wanna say something I meant in Austin Texas. I was born a few miles from here. My mother and father raised me. Then my stepfather, 30 miles Southeast of here and a 1/2 in the country and the country of the United States.  Of the Americas, mysteries are so cool.

Window, that's so nice anyway. I wanted to say. I wanted to confess sent. I don't know I guess because I've been drinking a lot of wine.  Said to myself you're so stupid or I'm so stupid. I don't know I said one of them for both of them. The I just said as lying in watching YouTube and stuff. I said you're so worthless. Yeah, that's your wife, sir, I'm worthless.  Maybe anyway, I don't know and I don't believe. It is true. Believe it is false

I don't know, just feeling feeling things that feeling other things. Feeling things feeling things that I don't know. Feeling things I don't know.  I don't know how to say them but I feel things. No matter what to do about feeling things or about thinking things I haven't seen them but I feel things I don't know what to do..s.s.g.g.t.r.s.g.t.o.o.s.l.I.m.t.o.w...w.w.s.g.w.t.s.t.s.g.s.g.s.n.t.g.g.g.g.g.g.t.esestesttetwttye.rrIrergthsshodIdetgdtIhomfeIndumrdurfsot.eeftgnewtsoyod.mmmggggggatwsmsmsmssssss.g.f.t.yyeyfd.m.eeeoeeeaortt 

Type, I don't know feeling things I don't know. I don't know how to say them but I feel things and I don't know what to do about feelings or about thinking things what am I gonna do. I'm thinking I'm feeling what am I doing. I don't know what should I do I watched the prison ministry orthodox Christianity video.  I forgot the guy's name. I think it's less name. Starts with p is from the protecting veil. The video published on at 2 PM on February 2nd 2024. A. D protecting veil on YouTube about prison ministry. And I wanted to write someone in prison.  And maybe have a lifelong, really relationship and change someone's life for the better. While they change my life for better. It's okay, and it's all fun. Good nice and everything and volunteer and die so fulfill and lonely Within God's love, that's how it happens.  I was thinking of the sun. Why control? Yeah, yeah, and I looked for cover versions and listened to some. The beginning of 2 coversit looks okay, I just love that song so I think trilling true guitar.  Sweet, Sunday almost perfect almost what else to do I thought there was something.

First choice is to actually write a journal.  Long hands with a enter peninsuland then I like to type a journal or autobiography of my entire memory both of my life. And things I think about every day every day. Also I like to.  But also at the same time I wouldn't really like there to be a like a 2 hour movie documentary about me and my thought. Send words and my everyday existence and the totalitarian the meaning.  The meaning in the

Results of my the actuality of my existence, the effect The reality of whatever I do in the world. And whatever comes from whatever is me out into the rest of a real existence reality. Unconsciously whatever whatever I interact with and whatever choices, and whatever meaning, I bring and and whatever meaning is proudinto or through me. By the rest of the world and other people, especially.  God, Jesus, the holy ghost. That's what I want to believe. And that's what I do believe so I don't know I've done so quite. I was gonna take marijuana or KH CC BD gummy. 

But actually, I want to finish this coffee coffee with.  Almond joy Kramer to say coconuabsolutely and cream. And sugar, uh, oh God. I want to take a walk so f****** bad. I um, I texted Anna anna Harper. I don't know what her middle name is. I don't know if I asked her. I shouldn't have wait a minute. Oh God, I wanna take a walk so f****** bad. I um I texted and Harper I wonder what's her middle name is I don't know if I asked her. I shouldn't have, why didn't? I can't believe we only talked to this recent. We talked on the phone at least 4545 times probably 5. At least 5 times we talked on the phone. We had phone sex because I aint brought that up. Because I asked if she wanted to come into my Apartment and then she was really drunk. She's alcoholic like me. But she drinks a lot of vodka almost every.  Dad seemed like a s***Out of podcast and ask if I wanted to f***I was really surprised I've never had a sex with anyone. Sir, b*** j** a couple times. I think good, A person

So I was really scared and surprised and excited. And we had fun sex on November 2nd. No, it's fed Brewer wasteand drinking some more coffee. The sun is setting. It's been really great. I love it's beautiful and it's so cloudy and Gray skies. People think grace activist, oh and.  Is the Texas and so I get tired of hot sunny. There is a blue skies so I guess. I'm over half the days sunny and warm. 

Whatever even on a cloudy day, Tim, and I heard that song Wednesday going to work with Jessie and Ed.  Evan and I didn't really do anything for 2 hours or 3 hours. We're gonna just waited and all Evan evan was doing a lot of the deconstruction. The construction of demolition of a Melissa and I and I just grabbed it whenever he pulled it off the house and I just took it and set it The construction better and I just grabbed it whenever he pulled it off the house and I just took it, set it. Drop in or walk down the ladder with it so I got paid. I got $70 for 3 and a 1/2 hours of mostly just waiting for my brother. Kim and his old boss Jessie. Thinking about this a little construction project for this opera. Rich oil guy living in the middle. Don't love West.  Austin, just everything mix. No, it's too anyone I know or I love everyone. Anything anyway Turn off. Oh my God, I'm so anxious that sky is getting dark. The outdoors are dark darker darker. 

What should I do if I think what should I say to you? What are you? Who can you think about to be? What should I do I wanna confess to father David?  At saint Elias orthodox church, Austin, Texas United States of America. It's January 2024 AD everyone's cutting the teeth out of my mouth.

No, like no, now let's think about this.  Is now let's try to die sooner than later. It's like something that people don't say but sounds like sounds like something Take a f****** walk in the park. I am so ready to live forever. Good Night, Miami. I love your baby now let's all go party with someone else tomorrow.

[ Hi goodbye ]

.geoeyyyytttrrnreoyo.ssttfeo.tttefertIyryraaafemnnhhhhfrntgntddtessgmggtyt..ddtkoyyyngyyddnrrmysyfstssyesstffdteese.hhhkIraesstaydosnlteItayntgtneeeeegdyrdswdcsboxendededirddyl..t.e.e.e.t.y.f.y.t.a.y.f.s.l.engne.ggenyledeegyyymdddsddydetytrensseoeeIeeeooo.ot.ooyyyytkIgyeyoyrertyyhorlreyoeIndrahsdg.eeyaosei

 I do not know if I can ever be okay again. I think o k means content.  I am using voice input. I am listening to the episode of sleep with me called " oh , what a Sylvan beach ".

Feeling good or being happy I really don't care.

I just hope to do good. Hope to be people . . . kind love help . . . Intellect eternal

I wanted to

Sleep not enough ,

Because I thought That would make me feel better or less anxious

Or more fun.

I am crying. It is so much fun to speak plain truth.

There are so many things to do. I must confirm that Aaron and I can go to the joe pera stand up performance.

I can drink more coffee, if I brew more coffee. Oh yeah maybe I'll switch to k cups again.

I make almost as many mistakes as I do acceptable decisions.

I have zero idea if that is true or not.

I hope I never evil again. I am crying again.

I am lying in my bed. I am alone in my apartment for a long time.

I must rewatch twin peaks: fire walk with me.

I wonder when I'll talk with Aaron next and when I will hang out with my friends. 

Why can I be so confused?

I like to write stories, but I can never really Express

In a satisfying or remotely complete fashion.

I need to put myself to sleep, but i'm not sure what I should do Exactly.

I just put all these sentences on these lines online.

I only worry a little bit about the future. I can only be a little scared.

A bit ago I was wondering how

Much more time I'll be alive. Also known as, when do I die?

I was just drawing the design of my dream home. It's pretty, messy and weird.

It is so late. I took a weed gummy about 3 or 4 or 15, 16 o'clock and passed out on my bed a couple hours later near sunset, probably. I woke at about 23:30 and have been awake for 4 hours. 

I  listened to the Drifting Off with Joe Pera episode Australia. So nice 

I believe I am practically unsustainable 

[: Night night

Continue to Journal

 I'm at my mom's dining table. It was sleeting this morn. My mom decided it was snow. White ice is on the ground. This morn, I texted Anna and Krissyjae.

...

I walked the north side of Michele.

I've been writing. 

I think about murder and suicide and death too much.

The cold makes me so happy, it's wild . . . .

I'll get back to you. -

We plan to watch Beau Is Afraid today. I feel certain things. 

We watched episode 1 of True Detective: Night Country last night. It's all right. I like Evangeline Navarro. 

We are now watching the Australian Open.

I will sleep here in my old room tonight.

Tim and I should get the Lowe's delivery tomorrow. 

I really don't care

Here

Siri von Reis

Vast Problem Still Obscure

Most of the mass of the universe

may be contained in dark matter.

No one knows what that may be.

Astronomers say we could be

dealing with planetary objects

unable to produce luminosity;

some believe we are looking

at black holes or other things

formed when stars are born or die.

(For physicists, the hear

of dark matter lies in axions,

strings, magnetic monopoles.)

If related to stars, dark matter

presumably will be found where

stars are. If indeed exotic,

it won’t react with matter

as we know it nor, probably,

with itself; and it surely

will, in any case,

have nothing at all to

do with everyday matter.

From issue no. 126 (Spring 1993)

https://youtu.be/-CPvKzh2OZM?si=q3m9B4YyNfKhK5Q-

a personal update + we found out the gender of our baby ❤️

 I get that too. Maybe a lot more than most. I am extremely privileged most of my life. In my teens I realised I might be the most passive person I know. I have oft3n written myself Off as lazy. I am the youngest and I feel I can never loosen my attachment to my family. It can feel very difficult. writing is the best, it is so good for me, maybe we can do anything (:

christ

I have to try a lot harder.

Just making myself [and say you're] insanely crazy. I keep drinking tea. I've had like 10 cups of tea. I keep using the same 2 tea bags so it gets weaker every time, but outside like 5 cups of coffee and hammerman haven't slept much the past 2 nights so.  I'm just so confused. I don't know how to explain or describe myself. I was just listening to bill Wurtz. And I should just listen to Simon bill ward song. You know, it's Tim didn't have a job for us this week. So yesterday was my birthday.  And we went to see the boy and the Heron. My mom, my brothers and Chelsea Tim's wife. They had to leave like 10 or 15 minutes before the end. Because my mom thought it was shorter. She thought it was an hour and 24 minutes. But I'm pretty sure the run time was 124 minutes. So it was 40 minutes longer than she thought.

So they had to leave to pick up their kids from school.  It was Monday and we're doing a white elephant Christmas Eve with 1516 people, including some of my mom's oldest and she's 70 and a 1/2. And then Patrick's daughter, patrick and Bridget's daughter ivy is. Patrick's daughter, patrick and Bridget's daughter. Ivy is just over 6 months old.

Almost 7 months 10 days she'll be 7 months old. So yeah, on the 23rd Saturday. We're doing Christmas stuff with people.  And so that [demon] Tim and Patrick will go to will do their own Christmas family stuff. Patrick and Bridget will go see her family and then Tim and Joe's sick of it. Telling jealous to get a little. I think I'm gonna go see Chelsea sisters. Emily, even though Chelsea and her sister had a really big fight. When they were living together, they had to move out immediately.  Chelsea and Tom and the kids are moved back into the trailer. I mean, there are hearing gunshots and saw a guy fire a gun out of a car driving by just for fun. Maybe he likes feeling powerful or scaring. People. [are awesome,] just wanted to use this gun in a dangerous way. Cause it's fun.  Cause he is retarded now because of society and history in ine quality and lack of education and like of empathy and love for other people. So I even thought about calling a suicide Hotline. Because I feel like I'm going insane. I mean I want to tell them that.  I absolutely just don't want to do anything bad. No, especially don't wanna hurt myself. Pain is my biggest fear like the one thing I don't know, avoid it. All costs, I mean psychic emotional pain. It's almost constant so I'm used to it. But the physical pain of.  I'm also used to like just being achy and stiff akee. It's Stephen tense and I'm having yeah. Eggs, aches and general pains everyday pain. Chronic pain the dolphins and just not generally not taking care of myself [information that master] bad posture every second of every moments of my entire silly little life.  But I mean like I don't know like real pain like I don't think I'm getting stabbe[doctor] or burnt things like that getting a violent car crash or dislike 90% of the things you see movies people getting hurt. And I disease, it is an extreme sharp.  The bilitating excruciating pain like like being in hell, just like being ripped apart, bleeding and broken things like that. That's what I'm afraid creative and more than anything. So I wanted to tell counselor volunteer. Whatever that I of course, I don't wanna hear Myself.  I mean from my own perspective. That's absurd that I would want to I think it's unthinkable for me on the matter. And. Just have random thoughts about everything, so I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose my mind and then get it back and then be full of pain and regret about losing my mind. My back is really sore trying to stand up straight and stuff like that I'm racing around. And uh, use the voice to text on my phone and see if I can get all these words. In writing when I want a document on a computer. Or you on online on my blog. Of course, that's what I really mean like some. Yes, I need to listen to More [about words] billwurtz, even though it makes me Feel kind of anxious because it's  It's really a radical and an over the place. I guess I don't know what I really mean is. Music is just feels kind of of maximalism but very like obsessive-compulsive sort of I feel that way, [I hate you].  Trying to get everything perfect but bein'unbelievably frustrated about everything. Even every detail of within my own thoughts. It's very difficult. I took 2X legs, lax an hour ago I would also have that.  Half a burrito that I'm gonna microwave bean and cheese with some fresh onion and Valentine Valentina. I just realized that I don't need to refrigerate the Valentina so that I'm always microwaving it because it's cold and I don't want it to make my food coldter so I can leave it on top of the microwave instead. I don't need a room to.  Yeah, I'm so full of beans and anxiety that I decided I can have the windows open and the sliding glass door open and I needed to turn my heater up to 73° so it's kind of like being a warm Bath hot tub. I have to like soothe metal heating pad I have to I have to try to relax instead of being instead of shivering. I think there's something called brown fat.  That like builds up around your spine. That is a sign of health and vitality or something like that like hunter-gatherers, and [I said shun] iceage on planet Earth, I should watch something like I keep thinking documentaries are like some of my favorite things. I watched some written, rhett and link. Are some good mythical morning. Was it's really good stuff. I'm just makes me happy and stuff. I was watching 2 guys talking about lettuce.  Catching up on news, the otherday I was laughing really hard and Greg Benson is so ridiculous, which comes from the Latin word for laughter or laughing. You know same thing, oh s***, oh s***, oh s***, oh s***, oh shit over. It's gonna be 12 minutes long.  Okay, I guess I'll try to transcribe. And I should listen to Like Father John behr. It's orthodox priest [Thai login] so oh. Yeah, I had AA couple of videos on YouTube. Saved my father, John bear. Yeah, I need to save myself first. Then I need to save the future of.  Of humanity and the universe and I need to save God from themselves. [Money.] Okey. I love all of us bye. Bye.

https://youtu.be/t-pBv2BkNd8

Bench in Devin

 A person whose name is Bench

wanders into the store titled Come Grab Your Chore.

 The long white light bulbs give off bluish vibrations in the semi-lit department.

Bench sets down the hand on the plastic-y bench on the wall at the south side of the room.

 The general color palette can seem opal or cream.

Bench shouts up the the clerk behind the counter, 5 metres away,

"I'll order one cosmic latte!"

The clerk's name is Devin,  and Devin works for 4 hours a day. Devin has two minutes left in Devin's shift. Devin thinks solemnly for an extended moment. Devin moves Devin's hands to manipulate the Espresso machine. 49 small adjustments later, Devin waves Devin's right index finger and stares into Bench's eyes. Bench laboriously saunters to the counter. The cosmic latte is purchased. 

Devin watches Bench's butt leave the store.

Devin packs up the stuff. In less than 60 seconds the lights are off, the door is shut and locked.

The cosmic large-plants sway like they do outdoors.

 The purple-y sky shines like a gift wrapped dogear.

 The future was worn down.

 Grandpa's thumbprint centuries-old wooden armrest

Lite soaked

Re imagined

The dimmer switch of the day

Which way?

 This feels so real

Why am I so real?

I can't believe I did this

How is this real?

How can I do this?

I'm walking on the bottom of my feet;

the leaves are dry and crackling.

The tree branches are letting the sound of the freeways 

become my ear drum.

https://youtu.be/LoloDN-o0dE?si=X2CaOU_WwWyuDK9w

You

 Hello the time is 3zero7 in this morning.

I am talking to my cellular telephone.

I am pacing slowly in my living room.

I was just listening to the album inside out by Chick Korea, Electric band..

I just drink about a cup of coffee.

I Brood it last night.

I slept at kid's house The night before and I was awake at 3 something in that morning and I watched a lot of porn on my cellular telephone.

Kid [t] is coming to pick me up at 11 and taking me to the lakeline Alamo drafthouse to watch the boy and the heron with my family.

I don't want to sleep. I want the lack of sleep to make me feel like i'm drunk or high.

I need mom to watch the joe para christmas tree special. I told her about it soon after we started watching joe paradox with you 

I think we can watch it on her t v when I get to her house thursday.

I am going to watch more model women on my free cams again now.......

Good night I love you so so so much much

You

Free write comma\(on) speech

 Here I sit and find a while to abstract. My abdication of no one's lover and lovers from Yukon mccrown Crown of the king and the servants together at last at once, we became a shining fock of kraymond's Dave, save the triangle of wide white windshield, climates and oil in mccayum plus no, I'm pushing it and I'm not fought to kill plum fatwa and a few can die, it's on pickle knives and triangles and trees of rice life's life's life's kuskus. Ku's couscous, my funky bunch.  It's winning like a humster OK. Now I am really going to confess all of my sins against humanity and most of all, against the one true God. I believe that science can do anything and everything. Because God is a f****** mindful trap of significance and nothing can ever diminish the tame (detain) or abstract  This holy blessed mission into and of infinity the end..

.

Silly Spams

 

Confession. Forgiveness. Salvation

 

Thursday, November 30, 2023

Confession. Forgiveness. Salvation

 

I've been listening to Father Stephen Freeman,

Shame and Orthodoxy on Protecting Veil. 

I had a convulsion,

I have a compulsion to watch my free cams,

Then I thought about analysing my mind and my life and writing it down. Or in this case speaking into the microphone of my telephone.

I was overcome with anxiety and conflict and contradiction.

And Grace and shame . .  .

I've had quite a bit of caffeinated coffee, So I was like tingling all over and just waves of unknown energy filled my being.

It's funny what the voice input hears me say sometimes. Anxiety became 'thanks I ain't '

I said being twice and it said bean bean. (:

Anyway I did a minute ago, go to my free cams dot com and looked at women.

I really need to try to be myself and figure out . . . Something.

It is a need to exist, necessary for existing.

I'd like to go to Saint Elias on Sunday morning instead of going to Germany.

It would be better for everyone.

I must honor my mother and our promises.

This morning I heard Father John Behr talk about why the Church is our Mother.

I have been crying a lot this morning.

I drove home drunk last night.

I left work to buy wine and a diet root beer and jalapeño cheddar cheetos.

I moved a lot of lumber and got very tired and worn dumb... or down

This can be everything for me. 

-

Not really --  I just need to be Considerate and rational and live For everyone else

While taking care of myself.

I thought of 2 more novel titles in a trilogy, that began with Pass. They are Videos and Polyp.

The End for now 

Love u, by bye

P s

Father stephen freeman that said some other stuff about being face to face and equal with god. I was drinking coffee and had to cover my mouth and

Cry laugh through my nose because it was so profound.

 I realized i'm going through catharses. It's like the most painful bliss I have known.

 It is a good pain; it's an out-of-body Eternal Gift.

later, I love you. 

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