Poetry is ghostly and tired of health.

You are all I want to think of.

Snow washes the dove's back.

The name brand snack chip,

I am broke out of love.

I thought I asked politely.

How can I cast the stack

The Elementary school bus the back way of the High school 

 God bless this Life and the People and Nature who gave it to me.

I feel like I'm gliding in my own skin over this sidewalk up to the Park.

The best way to help others is to set a good example. 

I want more self-control, so I set a better example. 

[ :

I want to remember some words i was just singing saying walking in the park

  7 ....

I just wanted to remember some words I was saying and singing in the park. I want to talk with the Hispanic woman I just saw walking in the Park, a mother of 3, just divorced, 54 years old, 5 foot 5, 180 pounds.

A life-changing philosophy 

holes in the dictionary

 It is not a question of whether or not we deserve God's love. They give us Their love, as much of Their love as we can take.

 O my living breathing is given to me with every breath I take.

 I love cold. I love water. I love this town. 

This is so beautiful that the Christ, That the Almighty Christ becomes Us.

alright, 

I love you, talk to you soon, Bye bye

 Oh my god 

holly moses mother of god

I am sleepy and I am a fragment of reality

Ah jesus

.

I drink so much red wine

I have to lay in my bed

I hope I can go to the plasma donation center in a few hours

The end 

Stupids Prayers

 Why do I think killing myself will be so good?

I am sorry

But I want to be a male deer on a large forested land on north america

I need to fornicate and procreate and love the female of my best existence

I don't know how I can continue to do any of the stupid things that I always do

I must try to love the life of God 

This is my stupid prayer. I guess no prayer is stupid if it's honest but how can I feel my own body and run around this little planet and feel like I can be a human who takes the best of every situation and throws it into a Big time of love and hope

Yes.

Ursa,

I am we are Major or Minor

End.

 https://youtu.be/gMWEQ3k1Ziw?si=wa90JUsxIQFJrfzN

I feel I should

And that I owe it to everyone to reject everything and imagine a different reality that we can create.

I am Plateaus

I am anxiety 

 Oh , jesus

I am a mental health crisis

A lot of people

Never want to go to work

.

I am not an excuse.

I just feel like I can be about to die

And maybe I died a long time ago...

Everything is too important for me.

That's good enough for this entry.

And bye . I'll talk to you soon. Bye the way.

Buy it.

I want to be alone a bit ....

 

See yas.

Yassas

  God will treat me well.

Where were you when you used to think that life were a childish thing?

Banjo videos ,  online prayering

Blues grasses and folks in these mornings 

Cold Frosty Morning by mossy bones 

I am having fun today.

Right now is always right now.

Am I right, right now? Just right now

I have barely slept.

I had a lot of caffeine.

I had a nye quill pill.

My mother is speaking with Christopher Wredberg right now on her front porch.

We will go get dinner at sonic drive in then. I'll get my car back from the automotive repair shop....

It is all within the hour....

2 guise talking about lettuce ,  episode 123 ,  September 11th.

I napped in bed for about thirty minutes.

I ate some junk.

I am drinking another mini can of coax- Zero

End

https://newgirlybelong.blogspot.com/2024/09/asmr-introduction-to-evidence-for.html?m=1

  Christian ASMR ✨- An Introduction to Evidence for Christianity ✝️ (whispered)

She is very Good. 

Daily Bread ASMR

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6tA2Vo-D6lM

A list? Stuff things I think about

 Of things I think

Oh thanks

I try to know myself. I wonder what self means.

1. The TV show Home Movies 
2. Morgpie, a person and streamer
3. The garbage people, working in the middle of the night 
4. The food I ate last evening 
5. Why I am thirsty at night, getting up to pee a few times 
6. Documentaries
7. Human bodies
8. Las Vegas 
9. My biggest mistakes and regrets 
10. Alcohol and why people drink it
11. Sunny days and white clouds 
12. Replacing siding on an old house
13. People making a lot of money, spending it, big bank accounts 
14. Lunches
15. Friendship 
16. Green lawns all year, across the silly land
17. Youtube.com videos
18. Internet personalities 
19. Sexual pleasure
20. Lies, deceit, manipulation 
21. Psychological and physical abuse 
22. Drug addiction 
23. Freedom of religion 
24. The 2nd amendment 
25. Pain
26. Brains
27. Music and language
28. Spiritual experiences
29. Death
30. Travel for recreation 
31. Public parks
32. Lemonade and other sweet drinks 
33. Crowds
34. Nursing homes 
35. Skyscrapers 
36. The pentagon 
37. Underground buildings 
38. Projects and operations spanning generations and millions of people 

Sol, our star, the sun

The stages of habitability of massive objects in spacetime 

Gravity 

The future of humans

What is time?

Star Trek

Dark/anti matter, dark energy, the Higgs field 

Cosmological Constants

English letters and spaces and punctuation 

Light and sight

Hunger 

Chicken meat 

Casual acquaintances 

Memory

God

Jesus

The "End"

Love

 I choose not to think. I am absent from reality. But the times of physical life remind me. You feel my hurtful taking. I fear my meaningless deaths. I remind anyone or even everyone of the sock hiding on a human face

To live in seconds, so therefore you think of a space for reality to sit and take all of us for gossip in the Right ear..

His only son, raped like killing waterfalls 

I urge manufacturing to engineer facsimiles of great science-wheel works

I know what it dunks

Logically thinking then is trying confusion

Take a shoe, see the best option 

From a to b to 1 to final 2

I excise frost

Noun at a simple mechanism dusts the possible for what Why?

Here, that is it.

 Planning, organizing, reading, learning facts and skills, being helpful and practical and productive and healthy

Duff the Psych,

I heard a hardcore self help podcast in the middle of the night.

 I learned of dave burns and i used the feeling great app, talked to the chatbot.

Of course I should read good books. 

I often feel like more than person. And like I am nothing, like I do not really exist 

I think I am stupid for hating myself 

Maybe I eat potatoes 

Maybe the sun dries up

I will die in the years

No one can be alone

We all live a little.

I must take more control

I must make a conscious choice.

That's it for now.

Going Home after 2 Weeks in Greece with My Mom

 This is the real journal. 

My mom sits to my right across the aisle, flying from Heathrow to DFW, watching the end of Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire. We guess she fell asleep last time she watched it on an airplane. Maybe she just forgot. 

I am feeling a bit crazy and extremely wistful and melancholic.

I drank Sauvignon Blanc and black tea with milk.

The are tears in my eyes. I love writing more than most things. I love actions more than objects, and more than words. But I love words so much, it's too difficult for me to comprehend. 

God and Word and Flesh 

Body in mind in soul

In God.

Three in One

All R 1

I want to fly. Like a bird.

Far away

I love clouds more than most things.

I want to fuck my lovely wife.

I want to date a young woman who attends St. Elias.

This is good enough. 

Now you know.

Bye for now.

Live, Love, 

    Gregory douglas wredberg 

...

.

Footnote

I want to add quiet shore and that Vedic hymn metal band song to my funeral Playlist. 

My nose is runny.

Drive away dolls is pretty fun.

I bet I could live in economy class forever. With Food and nice bathrooms. 

Later homies.

--

11, 9, 2024

We're in Greece at a big resort, a lot of wood and water. I see I missed a call from Jen. By a pool or waterslide I see her. She's surprising me. I don't know how she found me. She brought her mom. Mine and my brothers are there, meeting her. She seems really happy. I'm afraid she'll tell them she's a cuddle therapist. I told them she's a massage therapist. She's going to use salt water pools here as therapy with her clients.

That's all.

- .

Real a Journal

 Each evening, we watch an episode of series 2 of The Trip then an episode of series 2 of Guilt. Tonight is the last . .

I want to journal but not think about words.

I am all played up. I am tucked in and gutted up and mucked .

There the sun must dripp me to the Lincoln street. They all fight like the memories of life, my sight, internal external 

Blue finish Work. This is accurate. The humans have names. I am registered.

      In middles of nights, no matter can resist I flock in the music Bibles. 

So many choices, too many gone, sucking grass at 2 or 3 or 4 PM.

The angry weather punts me in the every other Person I am a part of Lives.

Now see, the loot interrupt 

We sad day, belong in miserable time, okay future because art actualise

       tin succumb, feel All hospital .

I love Our hope happens

Save derek , forget dust in the thin air

I monkey Make the miracle Sweat true organs

bastard , Women

      Surprise, I can leave, No one or Everyone 

Bye at the End.

...

02:05 am

 Jen and I cuddled and had pretty interesting conversation in her hotel room on Friday night. 

in the morning she texted that she slept so well and hotels are like her therapy. 

It all feels so weird to me. I do not know. 

Knots.

I bailed on Aaron and Andee yesterday, Saturday. Told them i might be getting sick. I took too much t h c. I did not sleep well. I felt very relieved . . .

in my apartment. I ate mac and cheese. 

Right now, I been listening to Sleep with Me podcasts. I was really into The Guild recap, so I changed to a more boring episode. 

Everything is a Bod

Of God

The End

Begin.

 If I notice when i get nervous or worried, I tell myself I don't care.

I'm a human body moving in space, seeing, hearing, smelling, You know. 

There are words

Thoughts

Belly

Spring 

Spirit, Soul

Carbon

I hurt noone. 

Election

Difference

Substance

I sense.

Sleep

Try to migrate

Elephant phood

Miracle potion

Emphatic Act of treatment in science and free to release

Argon

Nitric

Portable potable benevolence 

Archipelago 

Human kind

King Jesus

Affordable Find

Is....

     I'm so excited. 

Aaron, I don't care what you think or do.

I don't matter.

As long as I'm not bad, I can do anything 

Nothing that anyone thinks or does matters to me. 

          I.

     I took a generic nighttime cold flu pill.

I took another one.

I will get fucked up.

It is fun.

Just pretend I am good.

Just let me have ten to twenty milligrams of t h c.

We, all of us matter to All of Us 

. The End

Hour later,

I just took two more pills.

I am gonna die in my sleep.

I am gonna be online

I am going to pass out like a lightning bolt on the setting summer sun.

Jen and I are Together 

The stars are here.

 The next day is now,

I cried writing Yesterday, 

I am so stressed

I Only need to tell Truth...

From yesterday:

 I am a bit fucked. I feel bad. Aaron asked for the Process transcript, but I didn't do it. I paid a company over a thousand dollars to transcribe. There are some problems with the pdf. It is more complicated than it should be

I cannot explain it well.

I am worried. I scheduled a text to Aaron about waiting for an email from James Duffy. I did ask James for the file.

I am a freak out. 

I am overwhelmed, by practically nothing. 

Maybe I want to be nothing.

Just the usual, I want to give up. I want death.

I want to relax. 

I am normal.

I don't want to live or die.

Do I want anything?

Wanting never matters.

I could live in a hospital for a while.

Who will matter?

Everyone has value and potential. 

We must save Everyone. 

We must be what we actually are,

Actualise ourselves 

I think I can explain this

Understand this,

We are Benevolent consciousness 

To exist, we work together toward The Good, or the better 

We Are meaning.

I must try to be Everyone all the time

Well, then.

I will text this to Aaron also,

    Dormition of the Theotokos. I hope to go to that service, and someday soon, observe all the dates, be practicing [: 

Bye.

I just Love you.

Just working with tim at josh's 

The end

Just going to bed, watching women, and asmr

Just let me...

I don't know, 

I know I will never

I am the sun

Sit on the bum's bum

The End is One.

. . . .

 I have so much shit inside me. 

I have to figure out something. I have to fix myself, to just continue in a somewhat decent life trajectory.

I ate too much candy.

I think to make my entire life good, I have to be mostly good for another twenty or more years. It depends how long I live.

I am so confused, obviously.

I was gonna take more THC tonight, and I guess I will. And I might pass out and sleep for a while. I wanna have some nice dreams.

I am so silly. I took a nice walk in mabel davis.

Jen came over Friday night. It was weird. She was too tired , and nervous to sleep at my apartment.

But we texted some more, and it feels good.

I just do not know what I should do.

I need to read to have a decent life.

I need to be a decent version of myself.

I need to be God's friend.

This is my purpose for being.

This is the meaning of Me.

The pose of my being

Prose Poet

I'm glad i'm going to mom's house tomorrow.

I made myself a little too crazy.

My apartment is weird.

My life is weird.

I can show you some things.

And I can be some people who will be the better future. ...

 It's been too long since I prayed. J is on her way to my place. She's getting food for herself. I wonder if she'll spend the night. That excites me a lot. I ate ten mg of thc a few hours ago. I got sleepy. I ate almonds. I drank a little red wine. I lay on my bed listening to ASMR. sleepwithme is playing. 

There's something wrong with J's apartment. She said my AC is probably better than her friend's, where she was.

I took 5 more mg. Maybe I will fall asleep on her. I want to tell her I'm sleepy and that I think I could fall asleep on her. That means physically on her and like on her, as in Don't die on me.

Anyway. I want food. I stress out about having this different intimate relationship. It's almost like we're halfway to boyfriend, girlfriend. 

If she weren't coming over, I would have eaten the rest of the Mac and Cheese. I will when she goes.

I am really curious. What will we do? How long will she stay?

Weird timing and everything 

Hey

Three people just cleaned my apartment. They are in here, wrapping up. I am seated on the left side of the sofa. 

It feels and looks good. It smells strongly, like cleaners. I recommend Purple Fig, good and expensive. 

And now,

They left almost an hour ago. 

" in a hurricane  ..."

When they were here I went and bought a bota mini cab sav.

I am waiting to go donate plasma.

I really want J to reply and tell me if she wants to come to my apartment today.

It feels like magic. I am like a floating thing on a huge river of goodness and a very possible future....

Tim is taking monday and tuesday to spend the last day of summer with the kids and take them to the 1st day of school.

So what am I going to do with these four days?

After plasma I am going to take 10 mg of thc.

Everything will be like a tree that is half alive.

I can be a good movie.

I am unbelievably horny....

So I am on the internet and I am lying in my bed...

But,

That is late.

Sorry that I am so.

Mysterious. Indirect.

The sunlight takes all of our times and turns them into golden spheres that flow down our g.i. tracts and explode in our minds eyeballs

. . . .

Olives and dust

Dry lands

Super Hopefull humans

Lil societies 

Crumbs of Mouth

Corners on doctor joints 

Stucco blood ridges and her and them dance reciting cooler

Personal history books learning 

Gift from Beyound

.

This is my journal.

I am just waiting

^ that was this morning. It is 20:18. The sun just set. 

I heard some of Carlos Garrido's Marxist lecture in the past hour.

I scheduled a text to Aaron in 5 minutes: So much important history in the lecture &)

Du Bois is one of the best people. 

I am touching myself. I ate 2 thc gummies. 

I don't know what to do. 

I want to watch Trust then Ned Rifle. 

I can believe. 

I am in awe. 

I do not know if I want to sleep. 

I am paying people about 360 dollars to clean my apartment. 

I want to keep it clean.

Time is so weird 

I am unsure if people can ever Die.

Of course, people leave each other's lives. 

At some point, we speak with and sense another person for the last time. 

A human body passes on. The atoms and cells become dirt and stuff.

Kiss.

In my mind, I have a plan. 

I just wrote this on my Prayer post.

:

 27, 7, 2024

20:12

Oh my God, I love her so much, it feels like my body isn't even mine anymore. 

What is it?

She is

So beautiful, It is difficult to believe I get to get so close to her.

Oh Jesus, What do we do with ourselves question mark

Thanks for giving me way more than I can ever understand

!

It Is Good

YOU Are All Good....

Of course, I refer to Jae... or Jen.

Check the other journals. I guess [:

I just do not know what I really Feel or Am

Jen cuddled with me this evening for 2 hours.

I felt we had a spiritual connection.

That sounds so cliché. 

We just had really pleasurable times and good conversation.

She excites me...

I still plan to go see Billy for 2 hours. Maybe in the next few weeks.

I broke my streak of not ejaculating.

But I just wonder if Billy and I can have really fulfilling sex.

I just seem so fucked up

You know what I mean I guess.

I guess , well , we'll all figure it out . . .

Just feels freaking crazy.

I am getting ready to spend the week at mom's working at josh's house.

Things feel so unreal. so strange.

I just want some help, just to get through the day...

Gosh , it just feels so good, I cannot explain.

But you know specifically , in my life choices...

I just seem like things are Almost Perfect , but in the weirdest way....

I hope this gets through somehow to someone....

Hah this is quite dramatic I guess.

I took 10 mg of THC.  Pineapple express.

Si I'll probably wanna go to sleep in a minute.

Feel like I should eat something

I am really excited about life and the future

People are the best

And the trinity is even better

Amen. thank you all

 Ha

Journalists .... Journaling

 15:02

I was waiting for mail. Walking about,

       All my efforts are rewarded. 

I thank You for insights. I thank You even more for my effort.

That is kind of profound.

O, Jesus. I pray so hard, Jesus.

      This ... this. ...

This cannot be fixed.

This is what - who I live with,

My basis of being.

Making peace

Too much I want to tell.

15:57

I drank Yellow Tail Syrah. It's red wine. 

I like it. It does something. 

Someone knocked my door. They delivered THC gummies. I ate 2

I am going to Jae's apartment in a couple hours. At 19:00.

I know we will hug tgen cuddle on her bed. 

I do feel Like dying.

I just ate. I feel good......... .

 . . . .

I want to watch Trust again.

...

I think I will have more to say about today. 

---

Dear God, Private Prayer

~ 29th June ....

 Thank You for skin.

Am I hungry or sleepy?

Should I know for sure?

You are All I want. 

Please give me Time. 

I am sorry for being too horny every day. 

Sorry for a lot

How can I feel correctly ?

How does anyone , like I did ,

Think You might not be real?

Why are miracles hard to believe?

I want to feel and know what being Jesus is

Thanks

Thanks , Everything . .

Why do I often question 

Why Everything seems so difficult or painful ?

Please let me accept all that I should 

Help me. Give me power

Thank You

Big time.

What is absurd ?

Can You be with me Always?

O of course You can.

Can I always be with You?

I mean thinking of You first

And really only ever thinking of You.

Of course You know what I mean .

I love You. . . .

I need You. 

Of course I cannot exist without You 

Nothing can.

Thanks

Should I keep doing this?

I know I should sleep now.

Why am I still doing this?

How do I do my best?

I'll try to sleep for You.

Of course I will keep praying, talking with You

Unless I get distracted 

If it is Your will

Thank You 

Now I say goodbye to Whoever is reading this for now

: Those were thirty six sentences. I said 'thank' six times.

.

The next night is now.

I write to whoever reads this. God, You read everything. 

I especially write to, or for myself 

Everyone is God, but God are not everyone 

Some how that makes sense. 

Just like squares are rectangles.

I must remember You, God.

I must sleep.

But I am selfishly enjoying the deprivation to my brain

I imagine work with Tim tomorrow. 

Actually I think this prayer is better than last night's. 

It paints a picture

What do You think? Thanks

I need questions. 

I am relatable, practical scenarios and situations. 

Am I?

I derive the meanings of words to you, individual reader. Maybe you are related to me.

I don't know what I mean,

I don't completely understand. 

What do i pray?

I want to adopt as many children as I can handle. 

I am dumbfounded. 

How can people turn this planet into these buildings and technologies? Rooms, fixtures, furniture, dyes, paints, stains

Visions, cameras, lenses, screens, batteries, software, code, circuits

Walls, smart cars, lights

Renewable energy,

Does that exist?

I trust it, I hope it is real

But that seems a waste of hope.

We People put our energy in.

God Give energy, They gift

You Gift us

To us.

Spiritual energy

Is this correct?: 

the body is part of mind. The mind part of Spirit.

I mistake the voice in my mind, my memory and imagination as all of my mind.

Even when I spaceout or marvel at cosmos existence, hear good music, walk and look at trees and parks and clouds,

That's Mind.

Of course Aaron's said All is Mind

We Agree. 

The Spirit

Absolute Spirit, I think of Nikki Kirigin.

Hegelian

I must find my duty. What can I do to help solve history? Aaron and Lonergan said something about the solution of history. 

Please Help me read Marx, listen to Carlos and others in the Seminar on Marxist Philosophy and read the readings.

Please Forgive me.

I know You always Do. You Are beyond time. Is that like sublation? God Are ultimate sublation, sublation of Sublation. Is sublation just a human thing?

Substation. 

Things seems dirty, smudgy, dark, like a mechanic caricature on a screen.

God Are the solution of history and more.

I will go. I am Your Will. You Will my will. I will be as You Will.

I have some self-control. 

I got high on delta-9 thc. 

I think I have been doing better with Food, eating. 

Sorry I worked on MTG cards too much.

Please.

I need to finish Trust in the morning to be a better person. 🙏 

Not really funny

I am glad

Thank thank thank You You You 

. . .

Til tomorrow 

.

 God , what is wrong with me?

I feel a Desire so strongly.

You Are in me.

I love You All.

I feel I am nowhere close to understanding Love.

I was just feeling sad because I want to live with the woman. I want to marry the beautiful woman inside and out.

Can we love infinitely. I assume not; I think nothing is infinite.

God, Are Y'All limitless?

I feel a need to write a long essay about the striving and the desire for an understanding with God, You.

Best is best.

We only really exist when we are trying our best.

GoD Love us as we walk on sidewalks by busy streets and millions of people living in the same buildings.

There are trees for days and oxygen and life, Happy faces creating a culture of blooming, suffering safety. Give us all You Need.

Does that sound good for the moment?

Bye 

I'll be with Y/you Again soon but not at this Moment.

-

It's a bit later now.

I am watching The Making of The Girl from Monday.

I am Drunk and High just like the Jo Firestone camping sweater.

Joe said Aren't you?

Jo said You definitely took something important out of the bug out bag for this . . .

I am You, God.

Sorry for the blasphemy or heresy.

Where should I go?

What Do You Say To me?

I thought this walking back home just down from the convenient store,

God Speak to All. We all hear God. 

It is like listening to ourself.

Okay, I will try again anew

By.

2 July 

Please help me survive. 

Please help me embody understanding. 

Thank You. 

I trust, respect, love and admire You.

I do not know if I will ever understand. 

I know You Will Let me know.

It feels so fucking good,

 so perfect, so correct.

I watched Trust for the second time in three days.

Please Help me!

I feel so lucky, not grateful enough. 

I am so lucky.

3rd July, 

1:15 a.m. I commented on a short of El Ten Eleven, "You will save me.."

You Will Save me.

I commented on Love Luna's latest, "

@gy4bg-iz8wq0 seconds ago

I thank you for your videos [: I like you a lot

I didn't mean it to look like that. I meant to be normal.

I thank You for Everything. 

I love You Eternally, more thank anything and Everything 

.  . .

Night.

2:12 a.m.

While .

wow, God whaDo You Think of this?

You See And Hear everything. 

You Sacrifice. 

What? I do knot know. 

I just had more rum.

I feel shame.

I am so horny.I want to explode.

And explain.

Weird, I said Burp me and the computer said,

Convert me.

I will buy time.

I will live in a cool and beautiful place with a cool and beautiful woman.

We will be married in the orthodox church.

Life will be difficult and surprising.

My love will stretch toward infinity.

Becoming most human 

we have this gift.

Okay , that's okay for now.

2:55 a.m.

I'm sorry.

I keep getting out of bed.

I just drank more rhum.

I am so horny. I don't know why I don't just masturbate.

Krissy Jae texted me last night. She wants to cuddle even when she's tired. She has chronic fatigue syndrome flare ups.

Ha, the computer said, five bro algebra.

I texted her,

"O, of course (: <3 more than willing."

So I just don't really know how to sleep tonight.

I know I can listen to Sleep with me, podcast. Or something like that. ASMR videos help a lot.

But I get too horny and distracted and excited by existence.

So many beautiful people are creating these beautiful lives

So I don't know how I fit in. ...

You Are in me.

You Are Helping me Always. All ways.

I always want to do the best for You.

I think I want to be pure.

I want to be like stars and clean cool water.

-

Don't say no.

Just say Yes.

4th july

I posted this poem today on my blog, newgirlybelong.blogspot.com ,

Save me. Save me. Save me. Save me,

I sneak around staring at the sun.

The One Last Thing, 

Save Everyone. 

- Please

and Thank You. . . .

I Hope I love You

I Hope I love You

I Hope I love You.

_

5th July

You Are all-powerful.You Are responsible for everything.

You Do everything..

You Collaborate with us to Create a cosmos as Perfect as You.

Thanks,  by the way

You Control everything. We still control parts of ourselves.

I wish I would ask you more questions.

Yes, I got so much closer to you, that it felt unreal, almost too easy.

I felt I really spoke to you as I had never imagined.

And maybe I can hear you. I must.

We are Your children. You Are our Father, our Keeper, our Saviour [safe here. ]

We must choose to listen and obey.

. . .

6,7 2024

Ha, also something that no one wants to hear and should never be true ,

I want to murder someone or myself.

I just want to say something.

Right something.

You are a perfect substitute for morality.

I do not know what that means.

free

Possible crime scene. They make my love look like a bloody fucking triangle of piss and traces.

Sweet quick little pine fun why are we so far from what we will become.?

The possum has given himself to a lady now a bottle of shit is given to the fun time that love can dream of.

Why am I SO fun with a life that I cannot remember? A single woman takes her vows and delivers a sunday morning finality in the soothing scape of a schrine. [[ time]]

I overestimate the people who will judge me.

It is You, You and You.

Mon. July 8th

Hm.

I may have been having a kind of panic attack a moment ago, walking in my apartment. 

I remembered Billy saying to take a walk.

Outside. 

I. 

Am sitting on the end of a stone retaining wall near my building, facing Mabel Davis Park. 

I am worried about people looking at me, thinking about me.

That has been an issue with me for long time 

. . .

My back is a bit uncomfortable. 

I am going to walk about a bit 

Now.

Talk with you later. 

I hope we do not waste all of chances

For a kind and good life 

The end.

Thanks to Her

Thanks to You

All.

I am back in the apt. 

Before i went out and wrote the beginning of today's entry [the panic attack]

I was drinking cold black coffee and watching good mythical more,

And Soon after returning 

I was doing the same. 

So maybe I show symptoms of insanity 

I wish I had gone to Liturgy at Saint Elias yesterday 

I feel like I cannot stop thinking of Billy

the prostitute or escort who made love with me twice un February. 

I want to be with her. I want to be married to her.

She's only really my 2nd sexual experience 

I scheduled 3 texts to send her on July 31st.

She told me her birthday is in July. 

She turns 26.

I do not know if any of this Can make sense 

I am sorry. 

Thank You

Amen.

You may have noticed

I am getting sick of myself

and I am confused as to what I should do each waking moment.

I know I and it will get

Better.

You Too

These lights

Are a reminder to always 

Love christ and my self.

July 9

They Are always on.

I will replace them.

July 11

I am excited, glad and grateful to be reading Our Lady of the Highway by Hal Hartley. 

July  17

I need to read to save the World.

I need to know what people need to live good lives.

I need to know more about people living close to me, and people who want or need my help now.

          I want to. 

I do not know what to do. 

How should I know?

I want to write a plan. 

I want to search online for a plan to do good.

I do not know if you know what I mean. 

I want to know You , God. 

I want to go to church Sunday. 

I wonder what my life would be like if I never had to have a job. 

I have been jobless for long times. I am lost.

I think I want to stay in a hospital. But I don't know. 

I think of Carlos Go., Marxist revolution and Communist Earth.

I should sleep now I guess.

Bye.

20th July 

Adam Green , " What a fucking waster. "

I should read more Our Lady of the Highway. 

I love it. I texted that I do to Aaron and Andee. And thank you a bunch. Aaron replied. 

I am too interested in Bloomburrow. 

My excitement reminds me of Neon Dynasty. 

I'm sorry for wasting all this time.

I should sleep. It's almost 6. I made coffee before 5. It has half and half. There's a bit more in the mug.

I am watching a set review to prepare for the prerelease.

I am going to costco with Mom about 3.

I just want everything cod. Maybe more Kerry Gold.

Life can be beautiful. I do not know how. Is it obvious?

I will play the New York Times games now. 

I like Strands, Spelling bee, wordle and the mini.

Letterbox usually frustrates me.

I promise to make Up to You.

I don't really know why Up is capitalized,, but You Do. 

Talk with You All again Soon 

I want to view Soon by Hal Hartley. 

I will watch Ned Rifle this morning 

Twill be very Good. 

I get less lazy.

You Give me All,

The Will To Be Better, To Be More.

Thank You for All.

Ned Rifle is life-changing. 

2:38 , 21st July 

O, Fuck me Harder, God.

Um, What I mean is Mind Fuck.

Make me Different.

Please Help me Fix myself.

Thinking thoughts

Brain Bots

Sleep with me.

Pod cast

Okay I must type.

It is two forty two.

God You Must Be Grateful Too 

You Are Grace

Glory. Beauty. Greatness.

Good Game.

I waste Time.

I am Evil.

We all have infinite work.

This is the reconstruction of a formerly eternal reality....

Pod and the bean , for saking ... The Blood , the fascia

. Facing farting penis pornography.

This is not all that I can do.

We are the forehead of the Mind of The Palestinian...

I hope Eternally that I may be one Piece of the most correct question ?

The only God. May we Rest with You.

ctefeeeeyItya

. Yes .

Later....

4..

In a morning, 

I am listening to Ned Rifle from another tab.

I am staying awake all night. 

I am ashamed. 

I dunno why.

Weak, misdirected, misguided, selfish

Maybe it's going to work into something Better

Who?

Wow, Death is So very possible. 

As Always.

I may die. So I am full-of-wonder.

Thanks -

It's a whole freak rollercoaster falling off the awesomest waterfall

Designed by a big brain bunch of boys and babes 

All in One squeezing the Most nectar-marrow

Out the Fuckin disc 

In memoriam

For the Same Being.

Then.

4:46

I've been drawn to what is Different, Because most of everything seems to be silly mindless busyness, Getting from 1 day to the next.

We must change everything To become anything.

My brothers are weird.

And I am the one. ...

Not too special

A little less spicy....

Ha Ha

Huh.

Thank my lucky st-ouffer's macandcheeses.

O, God, Damn my fuck.

5:37

I'm gonna eat Your Flesh and kill Your fucking God.

It is a Mean

I am so tired, started to get sleepy. I wonder if I can sleep most of the day. 

I wonder what People are like?

What am I?

Wonder what my face is

I watched Ned Rifle twice. It is brilliant 

I stopped a couple minutes till the end

I want to Save it

I am Brilliant : from collapsing clouds of gas and dust.

I am Opposites

      mfc.com

I like when you say I am a bad person, 

Nothing else to do.

Everything is late.

13:50

All , my fucking god

Jesus fucking christ

This is too much for me, or Who?

I'm going to count myself but just cause I want to die

To melt and Implode.

employed

....

https://youtu.be/kqP16kv3UDw?si=CTNudbQ19Bb-RNh2

I said,

Tomorrow in a day...

[:

I need You more than Any any . . .

I just bought mini box of cab sav At seven eleven.

Sorry.

Your Blood

Is in me , my taste buds

Gullet gut

Tracked

Blood....

It is.

I wrote this at biomat. giving plasma:

       My Jesus Poem Prayer

Christ christ christ christ christ christ Christ,

The Leader, The Teacher,

You Give What we live:

in Time Safe <-> lives.

We ask You

Answer

< YES >

I.

Feel unprecedented bliss and anticipationnnn

I have a date with Jae at two p m tomorrow.

It is of course complicated , always more complex.

She has bad chronic fatigue syndrome.

I want to make her come.

I think, though, she will keep our relationship professional. She is a cuddle therapist. I found her online.

We have been texting a lot... though. We shared music with each other.

    https://newgirlybelong.blogspot.com/2024/07/whlo.html?m=1

The Tri State

It is, Holy Life Only

Radio

Orthodox Church 

Hal Hartley' Our Lady of the Highway, a Novel

OLHW

Who Loves?

I want to make make a film called Hal Hartley's Our Lady of the Highway, a Novel

From now, 14:37 July 21st, on I shall only

post my prayers here. 

::

Prayer Exercise based on these Alcestesque song titles I made up

1. Le monde étrange des chansons
2. Un rêve de soulagement
3. Esprits vitreux
4. Sans destin
5. Renoncule sauve le monde

English,

The Strange World of Songs

A Dream of Relief 

Glassy Minds   [or Intellects]

Without Desiny

Buttercup Saves the World 

1. Do You Have a place for me to sing and be heard fully to fully enter other human souls and set in motion changes that make this weird life into a loving beautiful connection of Gods and eternal humans?

2. What do I do to find a peace that can last, something that will effect my conscious habit and transform my chaos into Your order?

3. You Have Shown us All Clarity. How can we show each other how to learn from mistakes and keep everyone strong and always making things correct?

4. There is choice. We are always ourselves only. You Give All of Yourselves. Each time and thing is the most important for us to pay our best attention to and make reality what we know You To Be. Henry Fool

5. Do You Want us to have fun while we figure out what Truth and justice will be for our eternal salvation?

I Want to Say to Jae on Our Third Meeting 

 

You can come over whenever you want.

We can eat or do anything you want.

[What's minus yards.]

What is mine is yours.

I want to help you feel good.

I want us to be friends forever. [But I don't know if I would really let myself say that.]

I will trust you.

What is your name?

... 

_______

God, I love language so much.

22nd July 

03:40

It's so Fun to talk to You. Knowing You Are Always Listening 

I feel less crazy. Thanks for Everything. And for You.

Are You Self-Created? 

Are Y'All Uncreated?

Creator Is enough.

All Really 

You Are It.

It is so Good. 

God...

You Are The Best

Of all possible bests.

This is always difficult for me to believe. 

This is the very point.

I love You 

So much.

I want to try to never be misunderstood;

Context is ever important. 

Can I help You?

I was talking about times of day out loud for a while,

Which I type just so every one else will know too.

Okay I am going to do some things else , now .

04:23

The Several Sinful Deaths

 Deaths are not ends.

We can be dead and dying, in two camps:

   Love of Self (with God)

  Love Without God

Love is ever inevitable. 

Love without God is the opposite of the one true love , God.

Examples are difficult to define or describe. 

If we knew more, then we could adequately address these challenges, bringing us further from killing ourselves and closer to our eternal God, the Living in the Meaning of Love.

You know?

Thank you. . . . YOU .

Okallright then . Now,

Don't want to change. 

Don't want anyone to change or want to. 

I don't know exactly but

I am again watching Joe Pera Builds a Chair with You.

He breaks my heart again. 

How does he do it?

How is it possible?

I can only ask You ,  really.

11:08

I have not slept enough. 

I am too excitable.

I feel close to You, God. Maybe close to death and the end of time and everything. 

I walked by the pool here.

I saw fairy lights over a 2nd floor balcony. 

I thought, I wish I had the time, energy and money. 

I walked in Mabel Davis this morning, "I love my composition. I mean my word creations, acceptance and completion." ...

Things get too intense for me. 

You know I mean ...

.

Ya

Like It

How do I do It.

Please if I may, Will You give me the power to make better choices?

O. Of course. As always. You Think of everything 

15:02

I was waiting for mail. Walking about,

       All my efforts are rewarded. 

I thank You for insights. I thank You even more for my effort.

That is kind of profound.

O, Jesus. I pray so hard, Jesus.

      This ... this. ...

This cannot be fixed.

This is what - who I live with,

My basis of being.

Making peace

Too much I want to tell.

15:57

I drank Yellow Tail Syrah. It's red wine. 

I like it. It does something. 

Someone knocked my door. They delivered THC gummies. I ate 2

I am going to Jae's apartment in a couple hours. At 19:00.

I know we will hug then cuddle on her bed. 

I do feel Like dying.

I just ate. I feel good......... .

 . . . .

I want to watch Trust again.

...

Sorry, I forgot. This was supposed to be , from now on , explicitly prayer.

But I guess i'm just conforming to norms.

It helps a lot, My dear god to remember to address you directly.

So now in this blog post i shall remember that I can be your second self. Or fourth self. Like a mirror.

I thank You. Again. And again 

How many people are almost identical ' young ' men like me?

How close am I to other Humans?

Ok.Okay . it's 17:17.

Thunder is rolling...

I am listening to CDs... ( see these]

I just heard a mighty wind. It's the opener of a mixed cd I made...

Please help me be sober enough to be A husband to Krissy Jae tonight.

I just need to drive to her apartment. 

It begins to rain. Maybe Soon

I don't know what to say. Of course,  You hear Everything. 

This Prayer blog is for me, or another lost soul on a web browser...

       That seems the truest thing I have said.

We live for Each Other.

Oh God. Thank you.

This is even better than the high on thc revelations I was just speaking aloud to meself. 

I realised then that I should never worry about the past.

It seems stupid Now.

But i like this Playlist  or cD...

I love my highschool self. 

He needs it , colloquially.

I feel like I am Marrying Jae. Because we are friends now.. and I paid her to cuddle.

Now we cuddle to help ourselves and each other...

It is so complicated 

That it is a reason I have to believe You.

Intelligence is a design, designed intelligently. 

So the egg in chicken.

Both are first.

Time is now.

They are Creator and Creators. 

It is This beautiful.  ....

Anyway. Love is They. Love everone.

Why do I think about murder and suicide the way I do?

I really want to ask you more questions.

Who - - and I don't know where I'm going with this - - but who can realize what the perfect reality would be - even though they are just one human with this much time in a day?

I am listening 2 ... 5 o'clock World by dave clark five.

It is quite nice. I drank too much wine.....

Okay. I know if I'm not being God at this moment,

I must go to my normal journal.

And figure these daily ideas out...

27, 7, 2024

20:12

Oh my God, I love her so much, it feels like my body isn't even mine anymore. 

What is it?

She is

So beautiful, It is difficult to believe I get to get so close to her.

Oh Jesus, What do we do with ourselves question mark

Thanks for giving me way more than I can ever understand

!

It Is Good

YOU Are All Good....

Of course, I refer to Jae... or Jen.

Check the other journals. I guess [:

 I just do not know what I really Feel or Am

Just feels freaking crazy.

I am getting ready to spend the week at mom's working at josh's house.

Things feel so unreal. so strange.

I just want some help, just to get through the day...

Gosh , it just feels so good, I cannot explain.

But you know specifically , in my life choices...

I just seem like things are Almost Perfect , but in the weirdest way....

I hope this gets through somehow to someone....

Hah this is quite dramatic I guess.

I took 10 mg of THC. Pineapple express.

Si , I'll probably wanna go to sleep in a minute.

Feel like I should eat something

I am really excited about life and the future

People are the best

And the Trinity Is even better

Amen. thank You All 

12:56

29, 7, 2024

Why am I so lost?

You Can't Lose anything .

I must ask for all the help I can get?

What do I deserve?

Thanks for Listening

Thanks for Giving me a voice

I love You more than anyone can love anything ,

Everything About You is immeasurable and ineffable .

. . .

It would be weird if someone loved God and loved something more.

-

Why am I obsessed with Women?

I guess it is good to continue humanity, procreate. Make Love

I must pray. I must write.

I must love. I must be Godly.

I just want to make sense,

Be rational, respectful, responsible, reasonable and sensible .

31, 7, 2024

15:30

I am melting. Again. I need Your Structure. 

Can You Make me more like DuBois?

I will be grateful Eternally. 

So, I need to read and just pay attention to DuBois.

Paying attention is maybe the most difficult. 

Am I on any correct path?

I trust that You Help me as much as I deserve. 

I am in the ground.

I want to be Trees.

Am I Jesus too?

Jesus is the Best, right?

Well. We have potential to be human Versions of You...

How?

....

09, 08, 2024

It's been too long since I prayed. J is in her way to my place. She's getting food for herself. I wonder if she'll spend the night. That excites me a lot. I ate ten mg of thc a few hours ago. I got sleepy. I ate almonds. I drank a little red wine. I lay on my bed listening to ASMR. sleepwithme is playing. 

There's something wrong with J's apartment. She said my AC is probably better than her friend's, where she was.

I took 5 more mg. Maybe I will fall asleep on her. I want to tell her I'm sleepy and that I think I could fall asleep on her. That means physically on her and like on her, as in Don't die on me.

Anyway. I want food. I stress out about having this different intimate relationship. It's almost like we're halfway to boyfriend, girlfriend. 

If she weren't coming over, I would have eaten the rest of the Mac and Cheese. I will when she goes.

I am really curious. What will we do? How long will she stay?

Weird timing and everything 

11, 08, 2024

11:33

I'm sorry . it's hard to pray.

I am.

Taking a shit

It feels pretty good , because I am usually constipated.

I love myself way too much. It's a problem. I need to pray.

Jen came over friday night.

It was pretty awkward. And I made some regrets. And uh, we got a little closer.

...

It is so difficult, but I know you want me. But do you want me like this?

I do love to struggle sometimes.

I wanted to find that line that Sister Bernadette says that I think was just a few pages ago where I am in   our lady of the highway by hal hartley.

All we ask for is burdens.

His burden is.

 The best?

Is the miracles

Do we in america?

I want to love like a child of God like an ancient warrior , who loves family and everyone and is tortured and murdered.

I want to help everyone enjoy this Heaven.

 5 , September, 2024

5,17

Dear God,

Thanks for words.

Thanks for being. 

Who reveals? Who will reveal? What is revelation?

Thank You for church and hands and brains.

. The End .

9-11, 2024

I woke up. How is that possible?

It was a dark morning. 

People's lives are fruits and vegetables in a cloth, hanging, squozen together; the juice is the present and the past and perception. 

We are animals and refractions of God.

If i am here and now I am always prayers...

Another 24 hours.

.

 I'm sorry, but I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about suicide, specifically killing myself but not the detaelse. [I said details. The computer responded with 'detaelse'. Looks like a beautiful word...] 

And not a desire to pick up any harmful substances.  And harm myself.

I would like to avoid all pain.

That seems absurd because we are just made of things and we feel the world with our nerves, and our brains interpret all of the same things that will keep our bodies, embodied Existence in this reality, will keep us safe, because They love us.

Everything loves us and everyone loves us.

Jesus on the cross

Heyzeus 

Yeshua

Josh

.

 texted tim that I was late. Then I said I'd be there by nine. Then I said I wasn't feeling right and I went home. I was enjoying just driving around.I was so sleepy that I felt kind of drunk.I unbuckled my seat belt.

I have been awake at night.Watching p*** and other stuff and just surfing the Web and writing things.In listening to music.

I took about half of a t h c gummy.

I feel tired .the. bit.

I really want to know what you mean, and what your whole life and your whole soul .r.

    forever.

Anyway

I hope tim is ok , in his mind.

I am.

Having a good day a little fun. I only watched a few minutes of The Girl from Monday.It's really cool, but I keep pausing it.To do stuff like this.

I checked the mail.A bit ago and I wanna check it every 30 minutes so I might catch when the mail comes.I would just like to know.

I was quite excited.I don't know if Krissy, Jae is gonna respond to my texts and that i can go cuddle with her, because she wants to cuddle with me, and we'll get mutual benefits.

I hope I go work.With Tim tomorrow. I am gonna get more high.I just know it.

I am gonna cook tuna creamy broccoli by tuna helper.

I love you so dang funky much.

 

I do not know if I trust myself to be sane.

I could save a saber.

Like most of us, not sufficiently interesting. 

I am sleepy, because I keep doing this and I was just watching this a bit:

 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fzTtRF8xLks&t=191s

The End

Because I gotta be wellrested for Tim tomorrow. We gotta finish that deck, because it will be better for whoever lives or go to that house, where Gary lives.

People can use. People can live well.

I can change.

I want to help everyone and God.

Mama had a recall

We watched Shirley Valentine this morning. It's really good.

I should check out In the Mouth of Madness.

I should read Our Lady of the Highway. 

Bye for real for now

Blissful

 I saw a young attractive woman walking a whiteblack dog of medium build. I was planning on turning around, honest. I looked across the street at her. I walked into the park, feeling blissful and lucky. I anguished myself. The sunshine was hot on my back. I was proud and walked my walk. I worried what to say and if I should say it... if she caught up with me, overtook me.

Who's your favourite director? Or writer. The first name to come to your mind.

I turned again. We passed on each other's lefts. She wore earbuds and nobra.

I wore a God Jesus engrish.com shirt.

I had watched 40 minutes of Trust and was high in delta-9.

Time was there. I am even even higher now.

Naked in my apartment: I peed. I thought.

How can I function?

I may be in a bad way.

I do okay.

Some times

My text to Aaron, scheduled for next Wednesday:

I can't believe how good Trust is. I wish I could live in Hal's dream realities. The films remind me a bit of Jarmusch's and Aki's. Maybe i said that Saturday. How are y'all?

I think Hal Hartley is a genius, a poet. His dialogue is philosophical poetry or is it poetic philosophy?

 I think about things to do tomorrow. It's nearly midnight. Humans should sleep for about 8 hours every night 

I want to schedule a text for Kim's birthday. I want to walk at dawn. I want to watch all those Godforsaken TV shows again...

There are sisters, brothers, parents and children to think of. We can feed them all chicken fingers and applle sauce. 

Electricity is always on

One should never be tired.

A human should use embodied knowing to create eternal life.

  Is it weird to still be alive?

Here is a photograph

" Cloning

SciShow Tangents Podcast 

I want to live until life is no more of a good thing. 

I drank a bota box mini pinot noir

There is a fish filay, cod in everything seasoning.

And seven or more butterfly shrimp from Walmart

In my oven. I think I'll take them out in a few...

I hope you are okay

Now I am gone Again.

In case you are wondering what i've been doing.

I help him [Timothy] with random jobs around austin. I like Athena Montessori school a lot.

I was just watching consideruby on myfreecams

She is so cool and beautiful.....

I just been getting high on T.Hc gummies.

Watching a lot of you toob

 I just can't explain

.And I just don't know what I am or what I really do.

Also I donated plasma for about fifty dollars today after work.

 I need to write a journal entry and this is it.

I don't mean to sound schizophrenic, but maybe I am.

[ This is what the phone microphone, heard me say: I don't mean the songs gets a front neck but maybe I am.]

I've had a lot of red wine in the past few hours.

I feel that God is angry with me.

I am myself.

There is too much to understand, and I feel like a Little Rock about the size of half of my fist covered with some algaes and micro organisms sinking from the surface of the small river to the shallow bed....

I have watched a couple episodes of twin peaks.

I am so relieved that mom is going to babysit tim's kids.

We worked about six hours today.

I really do not know anything.

There are so many things I want to think And to be

I eat more. I forgot about the phried shrimp in my freezer. 

In the end I only need the hope love Trinity 

Hello, this is a personal vlog, I just ran into a spider web. It's okay. I barely felt it.

... Anyway, a diary or journal entry. I don't know what to say, Gosh.

I didn't notice how loud the highway was. The bird's pretty loud. I like the bird, and the highway's kinda nice and cool.

Sorry, Hank. Sorry about Hank.

I really don't know what to do or say. I dunno what I want, dunno what I should do.

I dunno if the word should should exist. I don't even know if I don't know.

No, I dunno if I'm just saying that I don't know.

And I don't know why I am doing any of this.

Maybe I do. It's pretty cold. I'm just wearing my mom's sweater.

I wanna take a long walk. I'm gonna go back. I don't wanna carry my phone.

I don't know how long I'm gonna walk. I just want to take a different walk. I wanna walk down every street in Sanders Estates. 

This is really nice. It feels like a scene from a movie, just this misty morning. It's like the middle of spring time.

I had a lot of energy, because I slept deeply and had some vivid and intense dreams. I guess my mom will get up. I heard her cough from her bed. Probably be another hour. It's like 6 a.m. I'm just gonna stay at her house until I get my hair done tomorrow afternoon.

I really want to say some thing to make my self worth something, to make this video and our time...

What is our time worth? What is worth our time?

I guess that's it. I didn't really say anything, but 

I'm going to protest injustice. I'm going to live in truth and justice.

I'm going to bend History. I'm going to become a path, a tunnel, an arc made of human consciousness and consciously create a reality of peace and well-being and welfare

And hope and honesty.

That's how. Goodbye. We love you.

 People deserve truth and fairness.

What is the point of people? To discover ourselves, our purposes and potentials.

The reason gave up.

Support Palestinians.

Hold colonizers, imperialists, politicians and evil accountable.

What can Nature understand?

 My soul of souls tells me what is good to do. I can follow my moral, intellectual and spiritual compass. So, if I make up my mind and know who I am, then I take control; I get food that is not mammal meat. I create new and different realities. I consistently check in with myself and my days, my plans....

I envision myself as capable of any physically reasonable task. I know I will always have enough mental energy. I am inspired by people I've observed, what they can do, the control and hope they exude. Be better, be with better people, make better lives and worlds. 

I act like something is wrong with me. I overwhelm myself and feel like giving up. I escape my emotions with addictions, meaningless, unhealthy pleasures. So, I need calm and clear.

I will take walks. I will do push ups, sit ups and leg lifts.

The End

 It is ridiculous so we will move on.

If I have thought of the best version,

And it is still bad then We can forget it.

No reason to go to new mexico.

Don't buy guns at walmart.

Do not isolate.

The sun sets at sandia peak.

More good to do with words and the Trajectory of the life

Overcome

Gravestone

All of the Entertainment idle

 She's his Christ. 

- I wrote that driving to a Red Robin in north Austin on Wednesday evening. 

Felt serious misjudgement

In our millions of human lives

Sad like broken computers

Impossibility of sleep in ages of intense apology

I am sorry that I kept forgetting. 

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/the-eternal-worm-came-back-for-connecticut

I am back on Instagram 

Greg Stoker love

 I am going to eat a miniature bagel with cream cheese and half a banana this morning. 

Do we live in a

Pharmaceutical corporation television advertisement?

and black coffee.

by Nica.

It was too unpleasant. I put in a lil starbucks vanilla creamer. It's nice now. 

It's in my mother’s refrigerator because Tiffany stayed here a few days.

I am high school. Tim and I do wall work at Josh's new house, with a view of the Colorado river. 

and I do not know how to live 

I just watched" Robert Sapolsky Father-Offspring Interviews: Episode 8 "

I just started watching" Testing New Kitchen Gadgets " the Good Mythical More 'sode

Good and bad

I am a bit like a lychee fruit rolling down a 30° grade walkway

I just put butter and parsley Flakes into a pot of spaghetti. That i just boiled.

I have had some yellowtail Merlot

It was almost four am

Now it's 406

I have eaten spaghetti. It is four fourteen.

I left a comment on the Sapolsky video. 

I was trying to sleep listening to sleep with me podcast.

I went to sleep kind of early after I drank a lot of wine.

It's crazy how I keep scrolling through youtube.

I'm gonna wash my face in a minute. I think I have a zit on my nose.

Tim and I have a short day today. We're not meeting until nine thirty.

Maybe I won't sleep. Maybe I don't want to

 I think I want to finish the spaghetti. [I won't. I slept then sautéed shredded carrots and ate them with spaghetti. ]    Maybe I put more butter on it.

I am going to Watch good mexico morning. I am using the voice input on my phone. It hears differently.

 I wonder what I meant by

    Good and bad

      I am a bit like a Lychee fruit

My mind has been hard and my body

I should do something Better

I keep thinking of what a person should be or do

I keep wondering about these people that I have some connection to,

Passing glances.

Why do I  ]feel[ so disconnected ?

I want to watch Zephyr Teachout on the Real organic podcast

Good night good bye good luck

I love you

Forever and everrr

The end

"Do you"

Hows Your?

Gregory Douglas Wredberg

29-04-2024

I oscillate between wanting nothing more than health, doing tiny things to try to get better, and thinking that I don't care at all, even wanting to be unhealthy. 

I fantasize about being seriously sick or disabled, cancer or the like, so that I am taken care of for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do for a living, but work for Tim.

I don't know why.

Would I rather go home earlier, or make more money . . .

I like to stare at the sun. I'd like to be blind. 

 

Hello, this is a journal entry. Just look at my own face for a minute. Oh my God, my eyes, my silence, just just oh my God, I just feel like so much so many tears forming at the same like.

 I don't know. Anyway, I wonder why I think it's a kind of virus or a bacterial infection. 

Anyway, but the real reason I started crying so hard when I started this video. It's a journal confi confession, shouldn't. 

There's Alex Ramirez right there. He's a good painter. He's a good person.  I texted him about a concert. I haven't bought a take it yeah, DJ Shadow on October 20th third in Austin, Texas at the mohawk.

 It's talk.

 Sorry about how I look and sound like everything else. That's wrong with the cosmos at this, a moment of etern

i've been drinking red wine.  I think I'm getting close to a bottle. I have to go I think be nice to make some edits to this video to make it more watchable. I think I look attractive to myself. And see all the bumps and pours and blemishes. And acne, I guess.  

Chase, I know. Just look how many leaves. It's going to be like a billion leaves. Yup billion leaves. Do I really see a billion leaves? If no I have to actually my mind has to perceive each leaf. I don't know, maybe I could, if I really concentrated maybe.  And 1 day I can walk around and see a billion leaves. I can't remember my mind. 

All of us, Walgreens and my brain isn't capable off remembering everything tbut. Some people have brains and and mine.  That's where they are late, not distracted by their own existence or daily life. And I like the sabbath. 

I saw on YouTube while ago. Who'd just like he went to Tokyo for the first time and then looked out of a winning dough at the city scape of Tokyo or.  I think it's Tokyo and he he looked at it for like 30 seconds or a minute and then he went off and drew a sketch of every building. Everything you saw on the Tokyo skyline. And it was pretty accurate, she just. And it was pretty accurate, so you just imprinted and it's mind his memory. 

Anyway, so I'm just saying there's a lot of leaves. Around here, I'm next to. This is a park called Maple Davis and the tree is are going over the fence onto my window.

 And I think I should have some sort of life where I interact with as many other humans as I can. Do in a healthy responsible way.  

We're like there's a community of us and we help each other in every way. And I find something that I am proficient for the community. 

And it's a given take and ithere's feast in the famine. And we devise technology and systems to systems to deal with.  Our fragility, our vulnerability of being flesh and bone bland then, while we're in the time between our parents conceiving us and the time that our bodies are dying, just turning back into.  

Adam's dit's um's Dustin ether and decomposing back into soil or just being cremated and being part of the atmosphere. 

And you know everything deep space. I put a stuffed crust 5 cheese or 4 cheese. Thanks, 5 Cheese Pizza. 

 Sir, I'd just wanna know. I put it in the oven a few minutes ago I set the timer anyway. 

Yeah, I guess I'm only like 2 or 3 minutes. I'm like maybe 5 minutes into the first episode of Twin Peaks the season under whatever 2017 Twin Peaks. One of my favorite thing that exists.  

It feels so like a crystal of meaning like David Lynch has been thinking and trying to craft this um image. He calls it a film. I think I watched all this special features. That I mean, I didn't play. I didn't pay any close attention but it's a better handle.

 Like my redneck that's from working with. Don't I don't wanna shave my face just because I would be so strange after all this time of having this big beard.  I thiok next January I'm gonna shave. I'm gonna shave on January 1st 2025 I hope you can hear me. 

Well, it's so weird to look at myself. And look at the camera. My eyes are pretty blue. I thought they were a lot of grain in them. Anyway, I'm thinking of killing myself a little bit ago ] Possibility [   I think it crosses my mind every day because. Because if you like it's almost impossible to mthe best decisions. I keep feeling guilty and stupid and wrong. Feel like I've made so many wrong choices. It defines me.  They define me like.

 I don't know what exactly I am but what I do is more in line with what I am what it shoes I mean when I make all these weird.  Choices.

 Like this doesn't seem real. It's not because I've had too much alcohol. I just think why is this me? Oh. oh yeah, it's a cliche to ask. Why are we here?  But it's accurate to the human condition. 

Like What Is the What should I do now? What do I want? Why do I think? Why do I think about what I should or what to do? It's? Is there a reason for me to do anything?  Or the meaning of life. The point of life is to help other people do what.

 You can't avoid sufferi'm really grateful for this wine people.  People have a feeling that other people need alcohol. So they make alcohol they keep making alcohol. What people want alcohol, so they keep buying it. People won't know that other people will buy alcohol. So because it makes them forget. It makes everything easier even if it's not.  Is really less difficult or painful. I mean, things become easier to do. Time passes more easi. Feel like yeah, people say that people become the truth comes out and people become honest when they're drinking.  And that might be true, also, just less rational and practical.

 I don't know what don't wanna drink anymore. Wine. Oh my God, this video, it's along. Yeah, I keep keep looking so addicted to.  Sexual pleasure and nude women and the internet. And I'm so fascinate. 

I was looking at a man. And woman walking together and just trying to imagine there's a woman and a man. And?  They are independent and they're thinking I want a boyfriend. Is needless trials of life? And I want AI want a good friend to help me. And I want to be a part of something accomplishing something better than what I could accomplish alone

 I think that's Is more than just a physical romantic sexual relationship that might be part of that? I mean, there's a billion for each person. There's a different reason to want and to want a relationship and to do almost anything you can to be intimately.  Living with someone else, I guess or whatever? 

But also those things I described about the mothat's like what Washington's why humans do all the time.  And what may I guess sort of wet? We're made to do so OK. Real I feel like.

 Anyway, I think I'm gonna do another one of these pretty sooh. Yeah, I just wanted to transcribe a lot of a lot of this. Probably make it in like h sentence as it's on paragraph. Alright, I love you so much.  I'm gonna fly to another plane of existence. Good night, bye, love you. Bye..

 " There's nothing to do outside. I could greet my neighbors and talk about God. There's nothing to do outside. I could watch the nature and think about Good. "

Eleven minutes after midnight aaron texted a picture of Nikki the Hegelian's twitter page and he said, ' She follows me!'

I scheduled a reply for 8:42 this Sunday morning.

I feel really lazy. I took some piece of weed gummy a few minutes ago.

I've been lying in bed and on the couch so much that my lower back hurts a bit.

I'm happy that I found gab smolders, and i'm watching her play the excavation of hob's barrow.

So many things to be obsessed about online.

I had a lot of junk food. I felt a little sick.

I got motion sick on the bus with alex going to see Joe Pera. On the way back I almost threw up.

I was really nice show. I heard a little bit of it from his podcast.

There's no more things about me

Goodnight I'll work with you next week and live forever tomorrow.

Allan Best sent me a message on Signal that the PSL event was canceled. 

I want to find out more. I want to help good politicians, people get good things done.

We will learn soon

Bye.

 

Aaron sent me this.

I often feel he is attacking me. He is much better than me, I should be slapped into being a decent contribution to history.

Or maybe.

I wonder what the drawing's message was originally. 

I see the smiler thinking, '

     I am excited to show everyone how stupid and ugly this world is. I change things, this World can change, forever. We will Make it.

'

I am pooping. I just played Waking Up Early to Leave This Place by Flatsound, on the TV. There is a sad, boring song playing now, I don't know it. It is too early. I lay in bed too long, my lumbar aches.

I am journaling. I want to get better. I made 2 scramled eggs yesterday evening. A little bit ago, I microwaved them with butter. I put balsamic on them.

My feet are tingling, because I sat on the toilet too long. I want another cup of coffee. I want to re-reheat the eggs with more butter.

I am going to give plasma at 9.

From there I will drive to my ma's house.

We have chores.

I am listening to this her,

Makeup & Chat GRWM | Whispered, Love Luna ASMR

https://youtu.be/CmSX1-nJM-E?si=lYzJOFcNlFFr3iZC

Tomorrow the whole family is going to sherwood forest faire.

I have no plans next week, except Friday Alex and I are going to the Joe Pera show at the Paramount Theatre.

Thursday, I have a plasma appointment at 8 something.

I will make another one for Saturday.

I hope I do something good.

I hope to love and respect myself.

That's it for now. Talk to you soon.

Totle

 Why am I tense, thoughtless, backward or useless?

How limitless is human consciousness? What unimaginabilities are we capable of?

Humans have to struggle.

Life is full of balances of pain, pleasure, failure success, bad, good and death.

I was walking and talking with aaron. An image of humans as a sort of membrane between God and their creation came to me.

We struggle in different ways to different degrees.

Before tim got to the job site

 I walked to the river. 

It is beautiful.

Every one deserves every one else's respect and love. 

Even if that is not true, it should be. 

    I recorded this at home before work:

' Why do I think, " I don't care. I want to give up. I should give up." ?

I am intimidated by Nikki, @returntohegel.

I think she is pretty, and I want to be with her.

Similarly, I am intimidated by aaron,

    What it means to think effectively and effect positive change in the cosmos.

'

I give up on my blog "maybe something" for a while.

I just want to journal. Just want the truth.

 I'm orthodox Christian. 

I hope we all are divine, liturgical and Saints.

 The past and the future are in the present. The past is so alive, the future so possible. 

https://oakygo.blogspot.com/2024/03/i-am-alcoholic-drug-addict.html

 maybe something

Thursday, March 28, 2024

I am an alcoholic drug addict.

My mind is a willow tree.

I beg for pure water, H²O.

Ask me anything. 

Ask Me Something, please. 

I don't know where or why

And what who Real

. . . .

It is 'correct wisdom". 

This The Meaning 

And I am a porn addict.

All I really care about is a sex worker, who goes by Billy. I just need money to spend time with her 

I wish she and I were spouses

I know I am insane, so maybe I am not. 

My name is not Gregory Douglas Wredberg .

I cannot, and I mustn't. 

I was working with Tim at 112 Lincoln 

I am 

Tired 

I had a hot shower 

And over half a cayman jack 

Posted by Gregory at 11:13 AM No comments

A journal entry, video

 Hello, every god and woman alive.

Ha, that sounds bad. I'm getting really high right now. I had over half a gummy, Over fifty milligrams. Have also had a bit of wine. I got a magnum of Oak Leaf red blend.

See me. See my face, my nose, my lips, my eyeballs. Take my ears off. Take my cheeks and suck on them until you reclaim the woods for the holy people. Sorry. That sounded weird too.

 Wait, what did I want to do? Oh my gosh.

I want to do real journal. Wanted to put a journal entry on my blog.

 It's just too difficult to type. Especially since i'm so high and had some wine right now.

It's just really good to be honest and exhaustive with what's going on in my life. My thoughts right now about myself in my place in this universe ... are as follows ...

My head feels real weird, Not like my brain or my consciousness, but just The weight of my skull and brain.

Like what are they doing? Where are they goin?

This morning, I was gonna go early. I went about ten a.m. I parked at Auditorium Shores and walked to the Paramount Theatre. It was pretty fun.

I saw that the box office was closed. I checked online; they didn't open till noon. I got there an hour early.

I want to print the Joe Pera tickets. I put them on a credit card; my mom paid for them. I told her I would pay her back later, but i'm not going to. I think she forgot... maybe until I tell her i'm going to the show. I don't know if I need to tell her: there might be something else going on. 

Then I just kept thinking about coming back to this apartment to eat some marijuana thc. Just call it cannabis. And get real horny.

And also go get some wine, because for some reason, I wanted to keep a bottle in stock in my pantry. Just in case i'm having company. Ha. That's only happened once or twice, over one year.

I wanted to have any french, Hyink, and Parker. Over here and make them mac and cheese.

Show them my little apartment and the park. They have their little children, boy and baby girl.

I imagine bringing a date to my appointment. It's such a weird idea for me to actually date people. Try to attract an attractive woman to be in my life.

So we can go out to eat like we have all this money.

What can I offer her? Why would I want to date people?

I do want to have sex with people,  attractive women. Because i've been watching porn for twenty years online?

The stuff my brothers downloaded on the family computer. Being really excited and frustrated

From video games and watching my brothers play them? Just from being hormonal and young

Sneaking off to the bathroom every five minutes to touch myself, and my brothers caught me

It's interesting. I guess i'm going to transcribe this to my blog. Maybe tomorrow.

I am gonna take some more weed. Each of these gummies are a hundred milligrams of thc, So it's really easy for me to get too much, too much under the influence.

I gotta watch twin peaks: the return. I just borrowed it from aaron yesterday.

Aaron and Andee gave me my christmas present, just three months after christmas. It's a book by a really good writer/director/independent filmmaker Hal Hartley. It's Our Lady of the Highway.

It will be nice to read. I feel obligated to read it, because they gave it to me.

They think I should read it, so I should read it. Anyway, it looks cool. I want to read it.

Yesterday I helped aaron move his books to my mom's den. They talked for 5 minutes. It was pretty awkward. I said almost nothing. Kind of a weird conversation, my mom saying stuff I didn't want her to, not embarrassing for me but a little tense and silly.

I got to hug Andee, going back to their place. I hugged malakai goodbye. And hugged Aaron of course. I just left for some reason. Aaron was pretty hungry.

It was only two o'clock. I wanted to leave, because I had an appointment to donate plasma.

I don't want them to know that I donate plasma. I mostly do it for the money. But also I used to donate blood, because it felt good. It's something that I kind of enjoy, slightly painful, slight risk, sometimes. Mostly I like medical settings. I love Medical asmr. Just like someone.. you have to follow their instructions. Nothing has been seriously wrong with me, my health. I'm pretty lucky.

I don't know if i'm gonna get more high. It's good to walk around and talk. Okay, it's over ten minutes. I'm gonna finish this wine, just this glass. I'm gonna reheat the rice bowl I just made and watch something on youtube. Oh i've got Dex Bonus. Yeah, that's how this video started.

Dodger: i'm going to see her and listen to her talking.

All right, I don't know if there's anything else I wanted to confess or talk about.

Lots of weird stuff. I just felt weird even before I. I felt weird this morning, because I just had a little bit of rice. I fell asleep really early last night, because I had too much marijuana weed t h c gummy. 

Okay, I'm gonna go. My mouth is getting dry, or like my tongue is getting [sorry] sore .

Allright, talk to you soon. I love you. 

https://youtu.be/azfnEydPytE