I am going to eat a miniature bagel with cream cheese and half a banana this morning. 

Do we live in a

Pharmaceutical corporation television advertisement?

and black coffee.

by Nica.

It was too unpleasant. I put in a lil starbucks vanilla creamer. It's nice now. 

It's in my mother’s refrigerator because Tiffany stayed here a few days.

I am high school. Tim and I do wall work at Josh's new house, with a view of the Colorado river. 

and I do not know how to live 

I just watched" Robert Sapolsky Father-Offspring Interviews: Episode 8 "

I just started watching" Testing New Kitchen Gadgets " the Good Mythical More 'sode

Good and bad

I am a bit like a lychee fruit rolling down a 30° grade walkway

I just put butter and parsley Flakes into a pot of spaghetti. That i just boiled.

I have had some yellowtail Merlot

It was almost four am

Now it's 406

I have eaten spaghetti. It is four fourteen.

I left a comment on the Sapolsky video. 

I was trying to sleep listening to sleep with me podcast.

I went to sleep kind of early after I drank a lot of wine.

It's crazy how I keep scrolling through youtube.

I'm gonna wash my face in a minute. I think I have a zit on my nose.

Tim and I have a short day today. We're not meeting until nine thirty.

Maybe I won't sleep. Maybe I don't want to

 I think I want to finish the spaghetti. [I won't. I slept then sautéed shredded carrots and ate them with spaghetti. ]    Maybe I put more butter on it.

I am going to Watch good mexico morning. I am using the voice input on my phone. It hears differently.

 I wonder what I meant by

    Good and bad

      I am a bit like a Lychee fruit

My mind has been hard and my body

I should do something Better

I keep thinking of what a person should be or do

I keep wondering about these people that I have some connection to,

Passing glances.

Why do I  ]feel[ so disconnected ?

I want to watch Zephyr Teachout on the Real organic podcast

Good night good bye good luck

I love you

Forever and everrr

The end

"Do you"

Hows Your?

Gregory Douglas Wredberg

29-04-2024

I oscillate between wanting nothing more than health, doing tiny things to try to get better, and thinking that I don't care at all, even wanting to be unhealthy. 

I fantasize about being seriously sick or disabled, cancer or the like, so that I am taken care of for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do for a living, but work for Tim.

I don't know why.

Would I rather go home earlier, or make more money . . .

I like to stare at the sun. I'd like to be blind. 

 

Hello, this is a journal entry. Just look at my own face for a minute. Oh my God, my eyes, my silence, just just oh my God, I just feel like so much so many tears forming at the same like.

 I don't know. Anyway, I wonder why I think it's a kind of virus or a bacterial infection. 

Anyway, but the real reason I started crying so hard when I started this video. It's a journal confi confession, shouldn't. 

There's Alex Ramirez right there. He's a good painter. He's a good person.  I texted him about a concert. I haven't bought a take it yeah, DJ Shadow on October 20th third in Austin, Texas at the mohawk.

 It's talk.

 Sorry about how I look and sound like everything else. That's wrong with the cosmos at this, a moment of etern

i've been drinking red wine.  I think I'm getting close to a bottle. I have to go I think be nice to make some edits to this video to make it more watchable. I think I look attractive to myself. And see all the bumps and pours and blemishes. And acne, I guess.  

Chase, I know. Just look how many leaves. It's going to be like a billion leaves. Yup billion leaves. Do I really see a billion leaves? If no I have to actually my mind has to perceive each leaf. I don't know, maybe I could, if I really concentrated maybe.  And 1 day I can walk around and see a billion leaves. I can't remember my mind. 

All of us, Walgreens and my brain isn't capable off remembering everything tbut. Some people have brains and and mine.  That's where they are late, not distracted by their own existence or daily life. And I like the sabbath. 

I saw on YouTube while ago. Who'd just like he went to Tokyo for the first time and then looked out of a winning dough at the city scape of Tokyo or.  I think it's Tokyo and he he looked at it for like 30 seconds or a minute and then he went off and drew a sketch of every building. Everything you saw on the Tokyo skyline. And it was pretty accurate, she just. And it was pretty accurate, so you just imprinted and it's mind his memory. 

Anyway, so I'm just saying there's a lot of leaves. Around here, I'm next to. This is a park called Maple Davis and the tree is are going over the fence onto my window.

 And I think I should have some sort of life where I interact with as many other humans as I can. Do in a healthy responsible way.  

We're like there's a community of us and we help each other in every way. And I find something that I am proficient for the community. 

And it's a given take and ithere's feast in the famine. And we devise technology and systems to systems to deal with.  Our fragility, our vulnerability of being flesh and bone bland then, while we're in the time between our parents conceiving us and the time that our bodies are dying, just turning back into.  

Adam's dit's um's Dustin ether and decomposing back into soil or just being cremated and being part of the atmosphere. 

And you know everything deep space. I put a stuffed crust 5 cheese or 4 cheese. Thanks, 5 Cheese Pizza. 

 Sir, I'd just wanna know. I put it in the oven a few minutes ago I set the timer anyway. 

Yeah, I guess I'm only like 2 or 3 minutes. I'm like maybe 5 minutes into the first episode of Twin Peaks the season under whatever 2017 Twin Peaks. One of my favorite thing that exists.  

It feels so like a crystal of meaning like David Lynch has been thinking and trying to craft this um image. He calls it a film. I think I watched all this special features. That I mean, I didn't play. I didn't pay any close attention but it's a better handle.

 Like my redneck that's from working with. Don't I don't wanna shave my face just because I would be so strange after all this time of having this big beard.  I thiok next January I'm gonna shave. I'm gonna shave on January 1st 2025 I hope you can hear me. 

Well, it's so weird to look at myself. And look at the camera. My eyes are pretty blue. I thought they were a lot of grain in them. Anyway, I'm thinking of killing myself a little bit ago ] Possibility [   I think it crosses my mind every day because. Because if you like it's almost impossible to mthe best decisions. I keep feeling guilty and stupid and wrong. Feel like I've made so many wrong choices. It defines me.  They define me like.

 I don't know what exactly I am but what I do is more in line with what I am what it shoes I mean when I make all these weird.  Choices.

 Like this doesn't seem real. It's not because I've had too much alcohol. I just think why is this me? Oh. oh yeah, it's a cliche to ask. Why are we here?  But it's accurate to the human condition. 

Like What Is the What should I do now? What do I want? Why do I think? Why do I think about what I should or what to do? It's? Is there a reason for me to do anything?  Or the meaning of life. The point of life is to help other people do what.

 You can't avoid sufferi'm really grateful for this wine people.  People have a feeling that other people need alcohol. So they make alcohol they keep making alcohol. What people want alcohol, so they keep buying it. People won't know that other people will buy alcohol. So because it makes them forget. It makes everything easier even if it's not.  Is really less difficult or painful. I mean, things become easier to do. Time passes more easi. Feel like yeah, people say that people become the truth comes out and people become honest when they're drinking.  And that might be true, also, just less rational and practical.

 I don't know what don't wanna drink anymore. Wine. Oh my God, this video, it's along. Yeah, I keep keep looking so addicted to.  Sexual pleasure and nude women and the internet. And I'm so fascinate. 

I was looking at a man. And woman walking together and just trying to imagine there's a woman and a man. And?  They are independent and they're thinking I want a boyfriend. Is needless trials of life? And I want AI want a good friend to help me. And I want to be a part of something accomplishing something better than what I could accomplish alone

 I think that's Is more than just a physical romantic sexual relationship that might be part of that? I mean, there's a billion for each person. There's a different reason to want and to want a relationship and to do almost anything you can to be intimately.  Living with someone else, I guess or whatever? 

But also those things I described about the mothat's like what Washington's why humans do all the time.  And what may I guess sort of wet? We're made to do so OK. Real I feel like.

 Anyway, I think I'm gonna do another one of these pretty sooh. Yeah, I just wanted to transcribe a lot of a lot of this. Probably make it in like h sentence as it's on paragraph. Alright, I love you so much.  I'm gonna fly to another plane of existence. Good night, bye, love you. Bye..

 " There's nothing to do outside. I could greet my neighbors and talk about God. There's nothing to do outside. I could watch the nature and think about Good. "

Eleven minutes after midnight aaron texted a picture of Nikki the Hegelian's twitter page and he said, ' She follows me!'

I scheduled a reply for 8:42 this Sunday morning.

I feel really lazy. I took some piece of weed gummy a few minutes ago.

I've been lying in bed and on the couch so much that my lower back hurts a bit.

I'm happy that I found gab smolders, and i'm watching her play the excavation of hob's barrow.

So many things to be obsessed about online.

I had a lot of junk food. I felt a little sick.

I got motion sick on the bus with alex going to see Joe Pera. On the way back I almost threw up.

I was really nice show. I heard a little bit of it from his podcast.

There's no more things about me

Goodnight I'll work with you next week and live forever tomorrow.

Allan Best sent me a message on Signal that the PSL event was canceled. 

I want to find out more. I want to help good politicians, people get good things done.

We will learn soon

Bye.

 

Aaron sent me this.

I often feel he is attacking me. He is much better than me, I should be slapped into being a decent contribution to history.

Or maybe.

I wonder what the drawing's message was originally. 

I see the smiler thinking, '

     I am excited to show everyone how stupid and ugly this world is. I change things, this World can change, forever. We will Make it.

'

I am pooping. I just played Waking Up Early to Leave This Place by Flatsound, on the TV. There is a sad, boring song playing now, I don't know it. It is too early. I lay in bed too long, my lumbar aches.

I am journaling. I want to get better. I made 2 scramled eggs yesterday evening. A little bit ago, I microwaved them with butter. I put balsamic on them.

My feet are tingling, because I sat on the toilet too long. I want another cup of coffee. I want to re-reheat the eggs with more butter.

I am going to give plasma at 9.

From there I will drive to my ma's house.

We have chores.

I am listening to this her,

Makeup & Chat GRWM | Whispered, Love Luna ASMR

https://youtu.be/CmSX1-nJM-E?si=lYzJOFcNlFFr3iZC

Tomorrow the whole family is going to sherwood forest faire.

I have no plans next week, except Friday Alex and I are going to the Joe Pera show at the Paramount Theatre.

Thursday, I have a plasma appointment at 8 something.

I will make another one for Saturday.

I hope I do something good.

I hope to love and respect myself.

That's it for now. Talk to you soon.

Totle

 Why am I tense, thoughtless, backward or useless?

How limitless is human consciousness? What unimaginabilities are we capable of?

Humans have to struggle.

Life is full of balances of pain, pleasure, failure success, bad, good and death.

I was walking and talking with aaron. An image of humans as a sort of membrane between God and their creation came to me.

We struggle in different ways to different degrees.

Before tim got to the job site

 I walked to the river. 

It is beautiful.

Every one deserves every one else's respect and love. 

Even if that is not true, it should be. 

    I recorded this at home before work:

' Why do I think, " I don't care. I want to give up. I should give up." ?

I am intimidated by Nikki, @returntohegel.

I think she is pretty, and I want to be with her.

Similarly, I am intimidated by aaron,

    What it means to think effectively and effect positive change in the cosmos.

'

I give up on my blog "maybe something" for a while.

I just want to journal. Just want the truth.

 I'm orthodox Christian. 

I hope we all are divine, liturgical and Saints.

 The past and the future are in the present. The past is so alive, the future so possible.