Hello, this is a journal entry. Just look at my own face for a minute. Oh my God, my eyes, my silence, just just oh my God, I just feel like so much so many tears forming at the same like.

 I don't know. Anyway, I wonder why I think it's a kind of virus or a bacterial infection. 

Anyway, but the real reason I started crying so hard when I started this video. It's a journal confi confession, shouldn't. 

There's Alex Ramirez right there. He's a good painter. He's a good person.  I texted him about a concert. I haven't bought a take it yeah, DJ Shadow on October 20th third in Austin, Texas at the mohawk.

 It's talk.

 Sorry about how I look and sound like everything else. That's wrong with the cosmos at this, a moment of etern

i've been drinking red wine.  I think I'm getting close to a bottle. I have to go I think be nice to make some edits to this video to make it more watchable. I think I look attractive to myself. And see all the bumps and pours and blemishes. And acne, I guess.  

Chase, I know. Just look how many leaves. It's going to be like a billion leaves. Yup billion leaves. Do I really see a billion leaves? If no I have to actually my mind has to perceive each leaf. I don't know, maybe I could, if I really concentrated maybe.  And 1 day I can walk around and see a billion leaves. I can't remember my mind. 

All of us, Walgreens and my brain isn't capable off remembering everything tbut. Some people have brains and and mine.  That's where they are late, not distracted by their own existence or daily life. And I like the sabbath. 

I saw on YouTube while ago. Who'd just like he went to Tokyo for the first time and then looked out of a winning dough at the city scape of Tokyo or.  I think it's Tokyo and he he looked at it for like 30 seconds or a minute and then he went off and drew a sketch of every building. Everything you saw on the Tokyo skyline. And it was pretty accurate, she just. And it was pretty accurate, so you just imprinted and it's mind his memory. 

Anyway, so I'm just saying there's a lot of leaves. Around here, I'm next to. This is a park called Maple Davis and the tree is are going over the fence onto my window.

 And I think I should have some sort of life where I interact with as many other humans as I can. Do in a healthy responsible way.  

We're like there's a community of us and we help each other in every way. And I find something that I am proficient for the community. 

And it's a given take and ithere's feast in the famine. And we devise technology and systems to systems to deal with.  Our fragility, our vulnerability of being flesh and bone bland then, while we're in the time between our parents conceiving us and the time that our bodies are dying, just turning back into.  

Adam's dit's um's Dustin ether and decomposing back into soil or just being cremated and being part of the atmosphere. 

And you know everything deep space. I put a stuffed crust 5 cheese or 4 cheese. Thanks, 5 Cheese Pizza. 

 Sir, I'd just wanna know. I put it in the oven a few minutes ago I set the timer anyway. 

Yeah, I guess I'm only like 2 or 3 minutes. I'm like maybe 5 minutes into the first episode of Twin Peaks the season under whatever 2017 Twin Peaks. One of my favorite thing that exists.  

It feels so like a crystal of meaning like David Lynch has been thinking and trying to craft this um image. He calls it a film. I think I watched all this special features. That I mean, I didn't play. I didn't pay any close attention but it's a better handle.

 Like my redneck that's from working with. Don't I don't wanna shave my face just because I would be so strange after all this time of having this big beard.  I thiok next January I'm gonna shave. I'm gonna shave on January 1st 2025 I hope you can hear me. 

Well, it's so weird to look at myself. And look at the camera. My eyes are pretty blue. I thought they were a lot of grain in them. Anyway, I'm thinking of killing myself a little bit ago ] Possibility [   I think it crosses my mind every day because. Because if you like it's almost impossible to mthe best decisions. I keep feeling guilty and stupid and wrong. Feel like I've made so many wrong choices. It defines me.  They define me like.

 I don't know what exactly I am but what I do is more in line with what I am what it shoes I mean when I make all these weird.  Choices.

 Like this doesn't seem real. It's not because I've had too much alcohol. I just think why is this me? Oh. oh yeah, it's a cliche to ask. Why are we here?  But it's accurate to the human condition. 

Like What Is the What should I do now? What do I want? Why do I think? Why do I think about what I should or what to do? It's? Is there a reason for me to do anything?  Or the meaning of life. The point of life is to help other people do what.

 You can't avoid sufferi'm really grateful for this wine people.  People have a feeling that other people need alcohol. So they make alcohol they keep making alcohol. What people want alcohol, so they keep buying it. People won't know that other people will buy alcohol. So because it makes them forget. It makes everything easier even if it's not.  Is really less difficult or painful. I mean, things become easier to do. Time passes more easi. Feel like yeah, people say that people become the truth comes out and people become honest when they're drinking.  And that might be true, also, just less rational and practical.

 I don't know what don't wanna drink anymore. Wine. Oh my God, this video, it's along. Yeah, I keep keep looking so addicted to.  Sexual pleasure and nude women and the internet. And I'm so fascinate. 

I was looking at a man. And woman walking together and just trying to imagine there's a woman and a man. And?  They are independent and they're thinking I want a boyfriend. Is needless trials of life? And I want AI want a good friend to help me. And I want to be a part of something accomplishing something better than what I could accomplish alone

 I think that's Is more than just a physical romantic sexual relationship that might be part of that? I mean, there's a billion for each person. There's a different reason to want and to want a relationship and to do almost anything you can to be intimately.  Living with someone else, I guess or whatever? 

But also those things I described about the mothat's like what Washington's why humans do all the time.  And what may I guess sort of wet? We're made to do so OK. Real I feel like.

 Anyway, I think I'm gonna do another one of these pretty sooh. Yeah, I just wanted to transcribe a lot of a lot of this. Probably make it in like h sentence as it's on paragraph. Alright, I love you so much.  I'm gonna fly to another plane of existence. Good night, bye, love you. Bye..