I just wrote a song kinda about Kelly. I had a really nice dream. A lot of family there. I hugged Carlyn in the driveway, she looked kinda young, exchanged words that seemed poignant, profound, maybe something about the afterlife. There were 2 precarious redwoods, or really big trees, in the front yard. A lot of mud. One was like covered in hard mud, with weird branches or uprooted roots. Doug thought he could climb it, but it fell and knocked over the other one. Pat and I followed Kelly, I did not want to seem creepy and desperate. She wanted to clean the kitchen, it wasn't as messy as she expected. I was sautéing yellow squash again, but the pan was full of water, I tried telling Kelly I wanted to fry them dry, so they'd get crispy, I think she understood.

Anyway, life has been so woerd

Weird.

I got so drunk Thursday, I lost my wallet. I tried on a yellow dress in Nordstroms, tried to look into other stalls under the doors, so dumb, embarrassing. I saw a girl's legs... I bought a pokemon card, different version of Mew, for 6 dollars, at Pokemaniacs... it was in the wallet I lot.... How could I keep drinking that bottle of vodka? I must be crazy, or alcoholic. I poured out the excess alcohol when I got home. On Sunday and Tuesday I drank most of the vodka I was saving. I wanted it to look like we have some in storage, or whatever I don't know how to explain it, i've been doing it a long time, refilled that bottle almost 10 times, so no one knows I drank....

So, Thursday, I went into a gas station, maybe to pee. I was so tired and foggy. I can barely remember. I could have killed people driving home. I lay on the bathroom floor for a while, I think they were suspicious and knocked and said something to me. I tried to gather myself and left.

I probably left everything in my unlocked car. I think maybe my wallet was taken. Who knows?

Interesting, my mom wants to go to the mall today. I dunno how I will feel. It is weird.

Gosh. Just going to Remembrance Gardens and Stacy's office was enough. I emailed Stacy, waited for her courtesy call. I was very excited about reconnecting with her. She emailed me Monday, maybe Sept/Oct she will have an opening for a new client. "opening" .. jesus. I will email or call in early Sept. Or, honestly, I will on September 1st.

Mom came home from Port Aransas on Saturday. I tried explaining where I went and stuff...

She called mall security for me, asked about my wallet.

I helped Tim and Kit fix his fence, Monday.

Tim paid me 200 dollars, makes up for the money in the wallet I lost, then a bit more.

I am going to Massage Revelation at 1 today. I am excited, I picked a different masseuse, probably I'll be more attracted to her. I am worried I'll get a boner. A part of me kinda wants to. A bad part of me. 

[I did. It did...]

I wanted to google 'beautiful long nipples', maybe click on a reddit link. It's erect now....

I should leave now.

Bye bye,

Love you,

Greg.

 Wow

Mom went to walgreens about 30 minutes ago. So I bought some wine cock tails at lake line.

I feel wonderful.

I been watching a porn game play thru called My Best Deal, it is pretty nice. Something about Fleshless Immortal Souls

I just saw an advertisement for a porn game , the computer lady said "a hideous world of sex, violence and taboo..." 

It's just so degraded, what people want... It upsets me.

My mom shuld be here any minute.

I will drink some more alcohol. I have been sleeping not enough for about a week. I have been thinking very weird things. Untrue and regrettable. Like suicide and what not.

The Photorealism of Fake People

Anyway, I just listened to Genius of Love, because the Justice League of Pets trailer samples it. I wanted to call it Secret Life of Pets

I danced real hard, feeling alcohol. I am a very liar.

I listened to some more of Spiritual Instinct [i've heard it all] and now, Les Voyages de L'ame

I am afraid of Aaron. and to a lesser degree Andee.

I hope to go see them Saturday. Probably separately if Andee is workin' at the farmers' market.

I want to go to Eden East farm on Main Street.

https://youtu.be/8eGGSZUfEGA

 Hello, it is become a bit of a hard day.

We, my mom and I, got abit busy, working on Terry's grave, recycling, grocerying.

But since we got home about an hour ago, I feel an achy restlessness, maybe loneliness. I highly anticipate mom leaving for her lunch tomorrow. I plan to buy 4 small bottles of merlot at lakeline soon after she goes. I think I'll drink 2 rite away. But how will I be? I'll be fine. I will write more and I hope to God I will read more. Or more than more.

I am glad I already got the 2 new bear cards and manifold key. I am kinda ready for my brothers on father's day. Bowling will be really fun, probably. I am nervous about the chance or likelihood that they will ask me difficult questions that I would rather ignore.

It seems I may see Aaron Saturday morning, which is scary to me. But only for less than 2 hours... I agreed to see Lightyear with my ma and Tim's family, minus Ash. That may be fun too.

I am looking forward to talking with Aaron. Texting about Alcest, the body and Bell Witch has been really nice.

I want to ask him questions. I will forget most of the things I think I want to say to him.

Still, as I told my mom when I was interviewing for a state park attendant job long ago, "Just being alive makes me nervous."

I wonder what I will do. I wonder what my interactions with others will be, people ... and everything else.

I just listened to some of the album Jolie Blonde. It's not too bad, mostly.

I will listen to Page and Plant's No Quarter then Grapefruit Clouds by Human Milk.

It seems strange that I saw Kim then Amy and her family in the past 2 weeks.

Why is all of this happening? How can I do this, and that?

 

I been drankin' coffee and half n half.

I took 3 Aleve at once about an hour ago.

My mother and I watched Hinterland series 2 episode 2 last night. 

Stuff feels so crazy

O well

I'll be you later

I love you

by bye