We are all older, now

I was having a hard time. Just a few minutes ago. I was very frustrated that the internet wasn't working. For some reason, I was very angry because I thought Mom was going to forget that I have class now and open the den door. I kept calling her stupid in my head. I do that sometimes, when she frustrates me. I drank some alcohol this morning. I think the main reason is that I am tired from getting up before 6.

• I got a lecture to play on my phone by the west wall. That calmed me down a lot. I was wondering why I was so angry. I am sexually frustrated. I thought of Hell and Nightmares and losing my soul or corrupting my self, be the Devil, Satan or the Anti Christ. I thought of talking to a therapist I've seen twice, Donna Rich. She was real nice. I cried a lot last time I saw her. I said I did not feel like myself. Letting myself go, being absurd and dangerous, banal, evil. Maybe. I did not feel good. I felt bad. I want to change myself. I want to regret less. I want to be more like God ... or Jesus. I want to be healthy and useful and fulfilled. I want to self-actualize. I want to be perfect. Whatever that means to me. For me. I could be like a strong healthy beautiful guy, helping Earth grow healthy helpful plants, animals, people. Responsible, Respectful. I want to be independent. I want to be like whole and complete. Peaceful. Creative. Ready. Infinite Memory. Infinite Hope. Infinite Friendship... And Friendliness. Openness. Communication. Conversation. Connection. Yea . . that is all good 👍

I think I'll go to early voting today. Mom wants to go buy something, I forget what.
I'm watching a lecture on Agribusiness. I feel pretty sad. Hope is difficult.

But I am hopeful. I am sore from lifting concrete yesterday with Aaron.

I felt sick or exhausted, trying to eat lunch with Aaron. He bagged up what I didn't eat. I think I was dehydrated. I thought I was drinking more than Aaron. I guess I need a lot more water, because I am so much bigger and less healthy. Even late in the day, I felt almost sick, kind of.

I really need to eat better.

I love Ellen Beaman, professor Beamz.

Andee was wonderful yesterday, she made another wonderful lunch. I love her. I love Aaron, but also I am intimidated by him, jealous a little, and ashamed of myself compared to him, his life.

Anyway, that is plenty. That is enough.

goodenough to know  i guess

bye now

i love you always



- greg wredbegr