journal which begins August 15th - After Noons

15 - 8 - 2019
I am
typing
and copying
writing
hearing
looking
I think to ask to question, words, humans, pains, excites, depresses, uplifts, confuses, verifies, validates, salivates, defecates, saves, protects, everlasts,
and hums,
hugs,
wants,
waits,
loves, spreads, holds, reminds, Perfects . . .   .

I sit on an old dining table chair
at this pool table. I put on a Bach CD a few ago.
Mom just told me she is going to lie down and read.

I have been trying to combine blog posts, oakygo.blogspot.com
Internet has been spotty
I tern
Intern
et al.
I had my spotify on off and on in here , and in the car with Mom : we went to the Airport this morn for my Global Entry interview 9:30 . Pretty easy and kinda fun

I like this Bach . it calms

Also this typing and making sense

i been drinking too much coffee today

i want to eat something soon

we ate at Cedar Creek Jaliscos on the way home . i had nice migas and sides and ate the rest at home a bit later

I just read a few sentences from Dawn to Decadence , Cubist Decade

o yea , i just found this infection on my leg near my junk , it is kinda gross , 2 kinda small coin sized spots .
it was irritating , i thought it might be my pants or undies , i washed the area and spread a lot of anti bacterial cream , maybe it's fungal
it might be from the nasty stuff i saw in the hot tub yesterday . i put chlorine in and while i was in, i scooped out some gooey , gray , clearish stuff , probably bacteria colonies .
it is a bit upsetting . .   .

i want to take much better care of myself , and others .
It's 15:29 . I've been typing this about 15 minutes . Aaron is teaching 10th graders . after a few days in las vegas , I have an interview to be a sub . i plan to sub in about 3 or 4 weeks . it is difficult to imagine myself successfully interacting with large groups of kids , i guess i'll try my . . . . best
Good Bye

- - - - - - - - - -
 17:32  16-8-2019

Something to Believe - Weyes Blood
it is nice and sad - like
i want to drink some of the vodka my mom just bought    [ i did , i don't think she noticed ]
she wants to make limoncello ,  start it tomorrow morning , takes 4 days
i got nothing on my schedule til i go to las vegas in 6 days
i like it    kind  of
my body  has been feeling  heavy  and   full   and  a bit more weird
i have not been sleeping well for a few days
i jogged about 15 minutes at dawn ,  it was  nice , good , a bit fun
i volunteered at the library for about 90 minutes again today ,  pretty good , feels like wasting time , i feel mostly dysfunctional , like people see me as a weirdo who cannot live my life good
that was a weird sentence ,  Got to Do Things Different . . . .
Better As Me
Ask Me Anything
I want 5 million dollars , 1 million for my mom, each of my brothers, Aaron and myself

Perfect  Permanent  Residence
Perfect friends and family situation
As  perfect  as  possible
which   is  very  far  away  . .  .  and very   forever  today  now  ,  for   them   and  I  .  .  .     .               

17 - 8 - 2019
it is my aunt jan's birthday , 63 or so.
she's cool. she and ed and kit and lorena are in oregon for a week.
my mom and i just peeled 10 lemons and poured 750 mL of vodka over the peels to make limoncello in 4 days. my right hand is sore.
i want to fill my DP can with vodka
i wanna watch porn and sleep , i drank too much last night .
i wanna pizza
im eating leftover rice and spice and butter and garlicsalt
tastes   nice
mom and i ate pretzel dogs , after 1832 market and home depot
i was gonna meet aaron at 1832 and hear about his three days of teaching 10th grade english, but they were late and i did not wanna wait
maybe if the weather were nice   .   .   .
mom bot lime and cherry tomato plants

i did not sleep much . . internet . . .   and I started a fun story titled ' A , My Cod '
i wanna listen to spotify
internet has not been working much
makes me a bit    peeved
i am   worn  out
dunno what i will do for next 5 days ,   before vegas . .  write more i think , hopefully read . . .   .
  i began this today about an hour ago. it is now 14:09.
internet just stopped again
i heard parts of the end of Let It Go - Barnett and Vile

I just put on spotify on my phone ,  the  4G  is working
Let It Go just started again
it  is  okay   . .  make me  little  depress
ennui
vile  sings  ' lethargy '
Calm . . .  weak  . .  .  tired  .  .  wanderin   searchin  . .  lazily  .  wantin .   .  havin  a  t i m e .  .   .     .

Too  much   this  . .  . need  more   that .

Mom was planting a thai lime ,
I  put one to two shots of vodka in my DP.  i swigged a bit from the bottle .

Locker Leak - Herndon
We watched the last part of twin peaks last night
i kind of like it  -
feel weird ,  real  .  .
i  like  the  people .

i wonder if i'll talk with Aaron this weekend .   I want to see  . . Andee , hug , feel , smell , smile , talk, ask, wait, look, think, hear, her . . . options, walking, reading, cooking, brewing, Plan, Hope, Happy, Feel better, Feel what we should, Explore, Bodies, Minds Revealing and Growing, Godding
i am tipsy
bread and water - bingham

good stuff

everyone reads and learns better, than Anyone Has Ever
I love the Words of People  as much as Anything

What will I do ?
I want to be alone.
Mom is going to see Hitchcock tomorrow, SUnday, at Paramount with Pat and Bridge. I wanna stay home then buy 2 Lotto Texas tickets at the LBA gas store.
With Extra
I feel not good. Because my bad conscious choices of recent History
Sleep

Like a Call - Architecture in Helsinki
makes me feel   better
some
how
Us
I
That is like Ali's Poem :  Me ,  We  . . . .  I  ,   Us    [    bergen to trondheim - kozelek , kil moon .  ]
I like   it   a  lot .    why   do  i  want to type so many spaces and lines .  Dunno  -
Black Dog on the Beach - Callahan  :  even  better  ... for me. So calm to real Life Do More Yes . . . Sorry   for    my SHort  word   attention
 Jumble
I want to do something.
i just turned the fan on
Our Love - van ettan ....   just came on

alcohol  -  i feel   more  okay
alright
Genuine
Wine
Savory crackers.    Umami  .   .   special   Herb   and   Rose   and  fat proteens  and   Love  and   Hope   and  Free  and   Good  Domes
in bed, middle of night ,  i think about  squares ,
5 and 6 squared end in same Digits, 25, 36. I wonder why. Base 10 . . dunno
10 and 100. 11 and 121.
ha . . - How I failed ethics - The Magnetic Fields . . .  is  beautiful . I love it.

Texas Reznikoff - Mitski
i like it .  koof
Lay my Love - Eno , Cale
i love them
that is enough and too much today : Later , You . .  .     .  it is  14:49
never mind -
i like a lot the good place episode: Rhonda, Diana, Jake and Trent
mom put on American Animals a bit ago.  i think i want to watch it
i just made hot chocolate - two ice cubishes
Happy Day ( Sister My Sister ) - Hiss Golden Messenger . .  he's okay . . .
Mom just showered ,  so   I drank a mouthful of vodka
B A D
okay
I am  Wealy    Wipsy   Now
" Let me be a fool ;  I'm not hurtin'  anay budday  . . ."    Okay  sure
But I want you to think harder
" Mother,  What should I do
should i walk on the water with so many people livin just above the water line ?  "
W  h  a   t  ?  . .  what is he thinking that he means?  -  does he think he means . .
Ah Y E S -  At Full Height - The Weather Station . . . I love her  a  lot
Hurts to breathe   it
color comes to me face
i don't tell my sister
something So tender
Before her shower I asked her what she wants for supper . . then suggested to Mom that we eat Popeyes for dinner . . .
i'm sorry i am so hard , makes things more  hard   -   not  sexual  -  difficult
in the backroom - Eno Cale
try harder
do better
What is This Journal ?  THese thots and words . THis document . i dunno
Gotta go somewhere
be   some   body   One . . .  i am done today. for real this time.