After I turn 29 years old, I will just type my diaries and journals on this blog. I think I will type my poems and fiction on my first blog: maybe something.

The reason is because I named my other blog Ego-youthful, and I cannot always be youthful. I gave it that name to indicate that I was/am young and naive and self-conscious and overwhelmed, I think.

I texted Alex and we are planning to hang out this weekend, maybe today. Today is Friday. I am nervous about being around him or other people. I think I want to drink enough alcohol to try to make relaxing and communicating easier for me. I thought of telling him that I do not want to try to have a good time. I do not want fun or excitement or entertainment. I just want connection and reality.

Or something like that.

It is a few hours later now. My mom and I went to eat at Jalisco's in Bastrop. Then we went to HEB. There were moments when I was way too tense and uncomfortable and acting weirdly. Just like moving my body in unusual extraneous awkward ways.

It was a nice couple of hours, really...

I was just crying, because of things I just watched online. I really love SoftASMR. Of course I really do not know her. I just mean her videos and online personality. It's like the most sweet and comforting... I don't know. The video is "ASMR - Netflix & Wine [vertical line] What I've Been Watching".

I was quite nervous a bit ago, because my mom answered her phone and I thought she may have said, Hi, Bobby, and I thought that she might be talking to my best friend's father...

She was on the back deck. I imagined that Bobby read my blog because Aaron told him about it, or something.

I imagined that Bobby was telling my mom that he could give me a job, or he was worried about me, my sanity or something. Maybe he felt I was taking advantage of my mom and being lazy and corrupting my soul or something.

And maybe Bobby felt the right thing to do is intervene and help me contribute to society in a healthy way, or force me to take full responsibility for my life as soon as possible.....

But - it was our neighbor Roger.

They are switching to our trash company...

Sigh... well, maybe I'll add to this post again today. I am going to drink about half a bottle of wine starting in about 2 hours or less.

Mom bought HEB pizza. I saw a guy I went to high school with, he was working at HEB.

I saw at least 5 women who I am attracted to and can imagine being life partners with.

So, I guess I have stuff to do. Or I should. So... I will now give myself something else to do.

Wow, this blog is like a testament of boredom or apathy.

I was searching for a word in that previous sentence. I googled 'amalgam' and 'symbol' and 'totem', then 'testament'.

I thought of typing,
'this blog is like Living boredom or apathy',
or '... like splitting/cracking open boredom or apathy',
or '... an examination of/meditation on boredom or apathy',
or '... the personification of boredom or apathy'...
But the personification would be me.

I am just avoiding the difficult things I should be doing.

Things that can probably make everyone's lives better...

Yes. Sure Okay. I am stopping myself now.

Google says this for testament:

2. something that serves as a sign or evidence of a specified fact, event, or quality.

"growing attendance figures are a testament to the event's popularity"

synonyms:

testimony, witness, evidence, proof, attestation; More