Real a Journal

 Each evening, we watch an episode of series 2 of The Trip then an episode of series 2 of Guilt. Tonight is the last . .

I want to journal but not think about words.

I am all played up. I am tucked in and gutted up and mucked .

There the sun must dripp me to the Lincoln street. They all fight like the memories of life, my sight, internal external 

Blue finish Work. This is accurate. The humans have names. I am registered.

      In middles of nights, no matter can resist I flock in the music Bibles. 

So many choices, too many gone, sucking grass at 2 or 3 or 4 PM.

The angry weather punts me in the every other Person I am a part of Lives.

Now see, the loot interrupt 

We sad day, belong in miserable time, okay future because art actualise

       tin succumb, feel All hospital .

I love Our hope happens

Save derek , forget dust in the thin air

I monkey Make the miracle Sweat true organs

bastard , Women

      Surprise, I can leave, No one or Everyone 

Bye at the End.

...

02:05 am

 Jen and I cuddled and had pretty interesting conversation in her hotel room on Friday night. 

in the morning she texted that she slept so well and hotels are like her therapy. 

It all feels so weird to me. I do not know. 

Knots.

I bailed on Aaron and Andee yesterday, Saturday. Told them i might be getting sick. I took too much t h c. I did not sleep well. I felt very relieved . . .

in my apartment. I ate mac and cheese. 

Right now, I been listening to Sleep with Me podcasts. I was really into The Guild recap, so I changed to a more boring episode. 

Everything is a Bod

Of God

The End

Begin.

 If I notice when i get nervous or worried, I tell myself I don't care.

I'm a human body moving in space, seeing, hearing, smelling, You know. 

There are words

Thoughts

Belly

Spring 

Spirit, Soul

Carbon

I hurt noone. 

Election

Difference

Substance

I sense.

Sleep

Try to migrate

Elephant phood

Miracle potion

Emphatic Act of treatment in science and free to release

Argon

Nitric

Portable potable benevolence 

Archipelago 

Human kind

King Jesus

Affordable Find

Is....

     I'm so excited. 

Aaron, I don't care what you think or do.

I don't matter.

As long as I'm not bad, I can do anything 

Nothing that anyone thinks or does matters to me. 

          I.

     I took a generic nighttime cold flu pill.

I took another one.

I will get fucked up.

It is fun.

Just pretend I am good.

Just let me have ten to twenty milligrams of t h c.

We, all of us matter to All of Us 

. The End

Hour later,

I just took two more pills.

I am gonna die in my sleep.

I am gonna be online

I am going to pass out like a lightning bolt on the setting summer sun.

Jen and I are Together 

The stars are here.

 The next day is now,

I cried writing Yesterday, 

I am so stressed

I Only need to tell Truth...

From yesterday:

 I am a bit fucked. I feel bad. Aaron asked for the Process transcript, but I didn't do it. I paid a company over a thousand dollars to transcribe. There are some problems with the pdf. It is more complicated than it should be

I cannot explain it well.

I am worried. I scheduled a text to Aaron about waiting for an email from James Duffy. I did ask James for the file.

I am a freak out. 

I am overwhelmed, by practically nothing. 

Maybe I want to be nothing.

Just the usual, I want to give up. I want death.

I want to relax. 

I am normal.

I don't want to live or die.

Do I want anything?

Wanting never matters.

I could live in a hospital for a while.

Who will matter?

Everyone has value and potential. 

We must save Everyone. 

We must be what we actually are,

Actualise ourselves 

I think I can explain this

Understand this,

We are Benevolent consciousness 

To exist, we work together toward The Good, or the better 

We Are meaning.

I must try to be Everyone all the time

Well, then.

I will text this to Aaron also,

    Dormition of the Theotokos. I hope to go to that service, and someday soon, observe all the dates, be practicing [: 

Bye.

I just Love you.

Just working with tim at josh's 

The end

Just going to bed, watching women, and asmr

Just let me...

I don't know, 

I know I will never

I am the sun

Sit on the bum's bum

The End is One.

. . . .

 I have so much shit inside me. 

I have to figure out something. I have to fix myself, to just continue in a somewhat decent life trajectory.

I ate too much candy.

I think to make my entire life good, I have to be mostly good for another twenty or more years. It depends how long I live.

I am so confused, obviously.

I was gonna take more THC tonight, and I guess I will. And I might pass out and sleep for a while. I wanna have some nice dreams.

I am so silly. I took a nice walk in mabel davis.

Jen came over Friday night. It was weird. She was too tired , and nervous to sleep at my apartment.

But we texted some more, and it feels good.

I just do not know what I should do.

I need to read to have a decent life.

I need to be a decent version of myself.

I need to be God's friend.

This is my purpose for being.

This is the meaning of Me.

The pose of my being

Prose Poet

I'm glad i'm going to mom's house tomorrow.

I made myself a little too crazy.

My apartment is weird.

My life is weird.

I can show you some things.

And I can be some people who will be the better future. ...

 It's been too long since I prayed. J is on her way to my place. She's getting food for herself. I wonder if she'll spend the night. That excites me a lot. I ate ten mg of thc a few hours ago. I got sleepy. I ate almonds. I drank a little red wine. I lay on my bed listening to ASMR. sleepwithme is playing. 

There's something wrong with J's apartment. She said my AC is probably better than her friend's, where she was.

I took 5 more mg. Maybe I will fall asleep on her. I want to tell her I'm sleepy and that I think I could fall asleep on her. That means physically on her and like on her, as in Don't die on me.

Anyway. I want food. I stress out about having this different intimate relationship. It's almost like we're halfway to boyfriend, girlfriend. 

If she weren't coming over, I would have eaten the rest of the Mac and Cheese. I will when she goes.

I am really curious. What will we do? How long will she stay?

Weird timing and everything 

Hey

Three people just cleaned my apartment. They are in here, wrapping up. I am seated on the left side of the sofa. 

It feels and looks good. It smells strongly, like cleaners. I recommend Purple Fig, good and expensive. 

And now,

They left almost an hour ago. 

" in a hurricane  ..."

When they were here I went and bought a bota mini cab sav.

I am waiting to go donate plasma.

I really want J to reply and tell me if she wants to come to my apartment today.

It feels like magic. I am like a floating thing on a huge river of goodness and a very possible future....

Tim is taking monday and tuesday to spend the last day of summer with the kids and take them to the 1st day of school.

So what am I going to do with these four days?

After plasma I am going to take 10 mg of thc.

Everything will be like a tree that is half alive.

I can be a good movie.

I am unbelievably horny....

So I am on the internet and I am lying in my bed...

But,

That is late.

Sorry that I am so.

Mysterious. Indirect.

The sunlight takes all of our times and turns them into golden spheres that flow down our g.i. tracts and explode in our minds eyeballs

. . . .

Olives and dust

Dry lands

Super Hopefull humans

Lil societies 

Crumbs of Mouth

Corners on doctor joints 

Stucco blood ridges and her and them dance reciting cooler

Personal history books learning 

Gift from Beyound

.

This is my journal.

I am just waiting

^ that was this morning. It is 20:18. The sun just set. 

I heard some of Carlos Garrido's Marxist lecture in the past hour.

I scheduled a text to Aaron in 5 minutes: So much important history in the lecture &)

Du Bois is one of the best people. 

I am touching myself. I ate 2 thc gummies. 

I don't know what to do. 

I want to watch Trust then Ned Rifle. 

I can believe. 

I am in awe. 

I do not know if I want to sleep. 

I am paying people about 360 dollars to clean my apartment. 

I want to keep it clean.

Time is so weird 

I am unsure if people can ever Die.

Of course, people leave each other's lives. 

At some point, we speak with and sense another person for the last time. 

A human body passes on. The atoms and cells become dirt and stuff.

Kiss.

In my mind, I have a plan.