Confession, edited

 https://youtu.be/EdC6_qoL2_c

Hi, this is Confession by Gregory Wredberg.

 I'm going to HEB. I just used up my Bulgarian yoghurt. I'm gonna go to the HEB on William Cannon, because I'm going to Academy to buy work boots, because I left my sneakers that I was wearing to work, with my brother Tim building decks, I left them at my mom's house yesterday. I need to text her.

Yeah, this isn't confession as much as diary. It was all related, connected to my alcoholism and the fact I was thinking, O I'm not gonna get any alcohol, drink anything, but now I want to. Just have to put some moisturizer on my face. I just took a bath, am naked, my skin felt real prickly and dry.

Aaron invited me to lunch with him, Andee and Malakai at Central Market in a couple hours. I don't know when he's coming to pick me up, but probably around noon. Sorry, and make myself feel bad, because I want to forget that I exist, for some reason. Cause it's a lot of work and pressure to do the right thing at every moment of my life.

Everything is an important decision, especially all the way down to the most essential, how do I - do I flex this muscle? Do I turn? Do I flex that muscle, turn, rotate this bone and this joint, tilt my head up or down, or relax this muscle, so that this side, part of my body relaxes and I feel more comfortable and capable of saving humanity from evil and oblivion, permanently? 

Permanently, everything forever, forever, everything everything everything

And so I have to think about that all the time, all times that I am conscious and able to make a correct choice. I must do that because that's why I exist. If I don't do that, I do not exist. That's always an option. I can always give up, but that's bad, and I want to be good, because that's why I exist, to be good or to be better, to approach good, something like perfection, like eternity and God...

Anyway, mostly I wanted to say I was driving around  I thought I parked my car somewhere. It wasn't there, so I thought it was stolen [I left the keys in it]. I walked around the complex and found it so I felt bad

I don't know. I really wanna know what I'm like when I black out, which I hope I never do again. I've done it a few times this year. It's May 21st right now, I think. I've got some plans. Aaron wants to take a walk in Mabel Davis, finally. I haven't walked with them in a long time. Looking forward to that.

I'm gonna stop pacing around, since... O, I'm gonna take some ibuprofen, sounds good. Something on my neck was hurting yesterday. On or in? In my neck. Hopefully, these will kind of wear off by the time I start drinking red wine. I need some more water. Just a little bug in the sink I might've killed, yea. (I eat bugs]

I thought Aaron wanted to have lunch at my apartment. I was getting it all ready then he texted about Central Market. I've got the candle so my apartment doesn't smell too bad. I'm gonna unplug my tablet, wonder it's fully charged. I turned it on and it's charged. I'm gonna keep it on till I get...

O, I bought a couple times, but I'm not sure how to use it, or if it feels any better.

I just do a lot of weird, sort of random things, a lot bad things with life and my mind. I really had the sense recently that I was really wasting my mind, and I was really trying to be as dumb and useless as possible. Or not trying to be, but just defaulting to that. I was thinking of Aaron, how he's trying to learn things every day and make himself better. Like he said to his cousin Sara, when we were over there late.

O, we were supposed to go St. Elias this morning, but Aaron texted at 11:57 pm and said they had a late night and they shouldn't try to go to Liturgy, this morning. They just got up around 9 am, he texted, when he texted about an hour ago.

What was I saying? We didn't go to Liturgy this morning, but we might... go... Sorry I'm stuttering. I can't really think straight.

That's what I was saying. Aaron has expressed how he just wants to get better and gain more knowledge and understanding about everything, all the time. But I seem to not care about myself or anyone else, really, the real person behind the everyday eating and sleeping and things like that.

I sort of feel existentialist, like nothing's ever gonna make sense if I think about it, but it sort of feels good and feels correct sometimes. It's mostly just giving myself over to the randomness, random chaos. But I feel deep down that I need to get better, that I need to help all the people suffering every day, just mentally or people who are just in pain, in a lot of pain and can't escape and are tortured in various ways, and oppressed and depressed, and anxious, and hungry, and thirsty and dying quickly or slowly. And I need to help all of them in some way.

I need to help myself first. I need to not buy alcohol, but then I drink it and I think, O, I'm thinking so much better, but it just helps me forget things. Anyway, 14 minutes, I'll wrap this up in a few seconds.

I think I'm gonna ask Aaron when he's gonna pick me up to go to Central Market. I'm excited. I should get groceries there. We're just gonna come back and take a walk here, so

I love you. I'll talk to you soon. Good bye. Good night.