It's 05:59 ,  July twenty ninth ,  two thousand twenty A. D.

I've been having some crazy, specific dreams for about a week. I've wanted to write about some. I mostly just enjoy them, but they take some effort to remember, like Mitch Hedberg, go cart, land lord. Tiffany just stayed for 5 days. That was interesting and a bit tiring. We watched some good movies. I stayed up late, like after 11. We walked at the Colorado River Refuge and Barton Creek Mall. We drove around a lot. Got dinners out. Dinner is weird word. This Is My Dinner by Mark Kozelek. I love the name Kozelek. And Kozilek....

I guess I want to go back to sleep. I get constipated often but had a nice Shirt yesterday. / wheezy w

Reference refferrringggg

Okay, i should be done

12:15 p m 2020-7-9th Thursday

just about to go do a bit more concrete with Aaron

spent an hour gettin' ready. I'm kinda nervous. i wonder

what he will ask me. What would I say about my

classes, botany? What do i say to Andee? I want to

say I did the soil test. I don't really know about it,

. . What to do. I saw on facebook that Alex got

hit by a car. I did not repsond to that. Alex sent

me a song by Baird, Claire de Lune. I responded.

I sent him Locust Toybox, Eyelid Recording.

I need to get ready to go now, Later You.

   -   I wonder how hard I will work today, probably not

as much as a week ago. Mom and I were just

looking at old stuff of me and my bros. I feel

almost I'm in the Past, almost like I'm someone else.

   This was nice to write, Good exercise . . . .

I confess, what upsets me the most is how I am dealing with my classes. How I don't want to do anything. Feel lazy, confusingly tired. Indescribable pains, my body yellin' a healing of a natural and profound kind, inescapable kindness, bursting mercy and passion, for what, ever i don't really know, bluish . .  making love fun ,  noxious ,  expressive joint pain , selfish night living Hell Hobble in to my daywork of glow greed and sloth. Chronic inflammation, total abusive addiction . . recycle . . long over due ,  rescue ,  please , nice , person . .

it is how and What I am ' doing with my life '

guilt, sorry, mom, Ellen, Aaron

Liar, cheat, fake, homeless, loneliness, give up, open to interpretation

hello, life, trees, lands, chemicals, suns, moons, earths

stars

space

time

i am and

the end

have a glass of delicious safe watery

wetness

help my friend

Just at least

and I am the end

they will

We are all older, now

I was having a hard time. Just a few minutes ago. I was very frustrated that the internet wasn't working. For some reason, I was very angry because I thought Mom was going to forget that I have class now and open the den door. I kept calling her stupid in my head. I do that sometimes, when she frustrates me. I drank some alcohol this morning. I think the main reason is that I am tired from getting up before 6.

• I got a lecture to play on my phone by the west wall. That calmed me down a lot. I was wondering why I was so angry. I am sexually frustrated. I thought of Hell and Nightmares and losing my soul or corrupting my self, be the Devil, Satan or the Anti Christ. I thought of talking to a therapist I've seen twice, Donna Rich. She was real nice. I cried a lot last time I saw her. I said I did not feel like myself. Letting myself go, being absurd and dangerous, banal, evil. Maybe. I did not feel good. I felt bad. I want to change myself. I want to regret less. I want to be more like God ... or Jesus. I want to be healthy and useful and fulfilled. I want to self-actualize. I want to be perfect. Whatever that means to me. For me. I could be like a strong healthy beautiful guy, helping Earth grow healthy helpful plants, animals, people. Responsible, Respectful. I want to be independent. I want to be like whole and complete. Peaceful. Creative. Ready. Infinite Memory. Infinite Hope. Infinite Friendship... And Friendliness. Openness. Communication. Conversation. Connection. Yea . . that is all good 👍

I think I'll go to early voting today. Mom wants to go buy something, I forget what.
I'm watching a lecture on Agribusiness. I feel pretty sad. Hope is difficult.

But I am hopeful. I am sore from lifting concrete yesterday with Aaron.

I felt sick or exhausted, trying to eat lunch with Aaron. He bagged up what I didn't eat. I think I was dehydrated. I thought I was drinking more than Aaron. I guess I need a lot more water, because I am so much bigger and less healthy. Even late in the day, I felt almost sick, kind of.

I really need to eat better.

I love Ellen Beaman, professor Beamz.

Andee was wonderful yesterday, she made another wonderful lunch. I love her. I love Aaron, but also I am intimidated by him, jealous a little, and ashamed of myself compared to him, his life.

Anyway, that is plenty. That is enough.

goodenough to know  i guess

bye now

i love you always



- greg wredbegr