Christ Mas Eve , 2018

Mom and Kit are watching A Christmas Story. I was just in the hot tub for about 5 minutes. I was whispering horrible stuff. I was imagining talking to Aaron and Andee. I looked at the moon; it was full a few days ago. The clouds flying by looked really cool. I whispered a random stream of words, then I thought, I need to write a poem. I really want to be alone for a while soon.

. . . .

I had a few mugs of wine in the past couple hours. We went to the Bastrop River Walk with Tim and family just after dark. Before that I had a some eggnog with extra rum.

We opened a bunch of presents. We ate a bunch of stuff.

I went to Aaron's house. We and Andee took a walk round northern Bastrop. It was really nice. Of course, I should have said some things that I did not, and I said things that I should've not. Before I left I said, Love you, guys. It sounded dumb, but I'm glad I did. Aaron was in the bathroom when I arrived. I talked to Malakai for a minute. Andee and I talked about books and yoga; she and Kai had just finished a comic book version of the Bhagavad Gita. I gave them The Story of Mathematics, mostly for Kai; she and Aaron seemed to like it.

. . . .

I need to read From Dawn to Decadence. Aaron gave it to me today.

I want to read, but I also do not want to. It feels really hard. Makes me really tired.

Really, I want to read more than anything; Lonergan, the Bible, Barzun, Lincoln...

I want to be Aaron's equal. I think that is impossible. I want to hug Andee for more than ten seconds.

Okay. Now I will read... or sleep... or write... or listen to... something .. hopefully good .. on the internet .. lying on my bed ...

bye now friend .