I am listening to Sublime by Mark Kozelek

I just drank at least 3 shots of rum , Ron Rio

It is 11:00 a.m.

My mom has been talking to Jan and Kit

We plan to do Yoga in a minute. I set it all up

It is now 12:04

I got pretty drunk and emotional while doing Yoga

We talked about the beach and Yoga and Yoga on the Beach...
Yesterday I asked if she wants to go to the beach this winter. She booked an AirBnB.

Okay, later, love, you

Christ Mas Eve , 2018

Mom and Kit are watching A Christmas Story. I was just in the hot tub for about 5 minutes. I was whispering horrible stuff. I was imagining talking to Aaron and Andee. I looked at the moon; it was full a few days ago. The clouds flying by looked really cool. I whispered a random stream of words, then I thought, I need to write a poem. I really want to be alone for a while soon.

. . . .

I had a few mugs of wine in the past couple hours. We went to the Bastrop River Walk with Tim and family just after dark. Before that I had a some eggnog with extra rum.

We opened a bunch of presents. We ate a bunch of stuff.

I went to Aaron's house. We and Andee took a walk round northern Bastrop. It was really nice. Of course, I should have said some things that I did not, and I said things that I should've not. Before I left I said, Love you, guys. It sounded dumb, but I'm glad I did. Aaron was in the bathroom when I arrived. I talked to Malakai for a minute. Andee and I talked about books and yoga; she and Kai had just finished a comic book version of the Bhagavad Gita. I gave them The Story of Mathematics, mostly for Kai; she and Aaron seemed to like it.

. . . .

I need to read From Dawn to Decadence. Aaron gave it to me today.

I want to read, but I also do not want to. It feels really hard. Makes me really tired.

Really, I want to read more than anything; Lonergan, the Bible, Barzun, Lincoln...

I want to be Aaron's equal. I think that is impossible. I want to hug Andee for more than ten seconds.

Okay. Now I will read... or sleep... or write... or listen to... something .. hopefully good .. on the internet .. lying on my bed ...

bye now friend .

I'm lying on my bed, my tablet on top of me. I'm waiting to go to Kit's house in about 30 minutes. Lorena went to Mexico and he wants me to spend the night. I don't want to go. I think it will be okay. I will fake some enthusiasm about games or whatever Kit wants to do. I am looking forward to seeing Vox Lux tomorrow. I am 29 years old tomorrow.

I am looking forward to eating tasty food at Kit's in a bit. I imagine pizza. I am glad I got scratch off tickets for my immediate family and wrapped them in Sunday comics. I'm glad I think I have an okay book to give Aaron and Andee and Malakai for Christmas. I think I should text Aaron now. Okay, I did.

I have not read in weeks. I feel bad about that. I'm glad I quit Amazon. I lied to everyone, so they think I am not as lazy and selfish as I am.

Some weird stuff has been my life these past few months. Every day is a bit more weird on the average. I am more internet addicted than ever. I only want immediate dumb stuff it seems. I watched several video of Sweet Anita from Twitch. She has Tourette's and is really pretty.

I miss Andee and what our friendship used to be. I'm happy about our connection still.

I think I made myself sick on alcoholic eggnog last Sunday. It went okay.

Mom checked out DVDs of Brokenwood. It's made in New Zealand. I like it. We have one more to watch. I wish there were more.

Talk to you later.