I take too many anxiety meds.

I took a double dose of a sleeping pill last night, felt weird then a little bad this mornin.

I'm going to take two anti alcoholic pills. Then get a veggie burger with cheese at P Terry's on ben white. .. Peterius ..

I feel bad about everything. Mostly Jen

Walking into the parking lot of these apartments, I thought about dying ending my life, and I cryed . I thought about getting help from anyone , A professional.

I was just listening to Ear biscuits. I'm three fourths of the way through the last episode , five days ago.

My head hurts

.

I took a really nice walk just a minute ago in the park and on Parker

.

I walked a little through Assumption graveyard . It was fun . I thought I wasn't supposed to be there and someone would would Tell me to leave . I imagined jen walking briskly next to me through the whole cemetery . . .

I watched two episodes of two guys talking about lettuce

I love them

.

I don't know what else to say now. Maybe I'll think of some thing else. I'm waiting to hear Jen's reply to my text I sent about 2 hours ago . I'm afraid that she's afraid that things are getting worse and that 

I  Don't want to be with her and it's true . I'd like to just spend Maybe one day a week with her.

Oh yeah , I wanted to say I feel like I am kind of mostly honest with myself .

But just myself

. 

. . .

I only want to be real .

I don't care what I want .

There are mountains and monuments of stone and metals

There are railroads elevators  sports hikes

Piles of money smiling old white men

Children laughing and dancing wearing white summer clothes

Night turns into night brothers and sisters , mothers and fathers holding hands spinning on this

The   Earth