~ 29th June ....
Thank You for skin.
Am I hungry or sleepy?
Should I know for sure?
You are All I want.
Please give me Time.
I am sorry for being too horny every day.
Sorry for a lot
How can I feel correctly ?
How does anyone , like I did ,
Think You might not be real?
Why are miracles hard to believe?
I want to feel and know what being Jesus is
Thanks
Thanks , Everything . .
Why do I often question
Why Everything seems so difficult or painful ?
Please let me accept all that I should
Help me. Give me power
Thank You
Big time.
What is absurd ?
Can You be with me Always?
O of course You can.
Can I always be with You?
I mean thinking of You first
And really only ever thinking of You.
Of course You know what I mean .
I love You. . . .
I need You.
Of course I cannot exist without You
Nothing can.
Thanks
Should I keep doing this?
I know I should sleep now.
Why am I still doing this?
How do I do my best?
I'll try to sleep for You.
Of course I will keep praying, talking with You
Unless I get distracted
If it is Your will
Thank You
Now I say goodbye to Whoever is reading this for now
: Those were thirty six sentences. I said 'thank' six times.
.
The next night is now.
I write to whoever reads this. God, You read everything.
I especially write to, or for myself
Everyone is God, but God are not everyone
Some how that makes sense.
Just like squares are rectangles.
I must remember You, God.
I must sleep.
But I am selfishly enjoying the deprivation to my brain
I imagine work with Tim tomorrow.
Actually I think this prayer is better than last night's.
It paints a picture
What do You think? Thanks
I need questions.
I am relatable, practical scenarios and situations.
Am I?
I derive the meanings of words to you, individual reader. Maybe you are related to me.
I don't know what I mean,
I don't completely understand.
What do i pray?
I want to adopt as many children as I can handle.
I am dumbfounded.
How can people turn this planet into these buildings and technologies? Rooms, fixtures, furniture, dyes, paints, stains
Visions, cameras, lenses, screens, batteries, software, code, circuits
Walls, smart cars, lights
Renewable energy,
Does that exist?
I trust it, I hope it is real
But that seems a waste of hope.
We People put our energy in.
God Give energy, They gift
You Gift us
To us.
Spiritual energy
Is this correct?:
the body is part of mind. The mind part of Spirit.
I mistake the voice in my mind, my memory and imagination as all of my mind.
Even when I spaceout or marvel at cosmos existence, hear good music, walk and look at trees and parks and clouds,
That's Mind.
Of course Aaron's said All is Mind
We Agree.
The Spirit
Absolute Spirit, I think of Nikki Kirigin.
Hegelian
I must find my duty. What can I do to help solve history? Aaron and Lonergan said something about the solution of history.
Please Help me read Marx, listen to Carlos and others in the Seminar on Marxist Philosophy and read the readings.
Please Forgive me.
I know You always Do. You Are beyond time. Is that like sublation? God Are ultimate sublation, sublation of Sublation. Is sublation just a human thing?
Substation.
Things seems dirty, smudgy, dark, like a mechanic caricature on a screen.
God Are the solution of history and more.
I will go. I am Your Will. You Will my will. I will be as You Will.
I have some self-control.
I got high on delta-9 thc.
I think I have been doing better with Food, eating.
Sorry I worked on MTG cards too much.
Please.
I need to finish Trust in the morning to be a better person. 🙏
Not really funny
I am glad
Thank thank thank You You You
. . .
Til tomorrow
.
God , what is wrong with me?
I feel a Desire so strongly.
You Are in me.
I love You All.
I feel I am nowhere close to understanding Love.
I was just feeling sad because I want to live with the woman. I want to marry the beautiful woman inside and out.
Can we love infinitely. I assume not; I think nothing is infinite.
God, Are Y'All limitless?
I feel a need to write a long essay about the striving and the desire for an understanding with God, You.
Best is best.
We only really exist when we are trying our best.
GoD Love us as we walk on sidewalks by busy streets and millions of people living in the same buildings.
There are trees for days and oxygen and life, Happy faces creating a culture of blooming, suffering safety. Give us all You Need.
Does that sound good for the moment?
Bye
I'll be with Y/you Again soon but not at this Moment.
-
It's a bit later now.
I am watching The Making of The Girl from Monday.
I am Drunk and High just like the Jo Firestone camping sweater.
Joe said Aren't you?
Jo said You definitely took something important out of the bug out bag for this . . .
I am You, God.
Sorry for the blasphemy or heresy.
Where should I go?
What Do You Say To me?
I thought this walking back home just down from the convenient store,
God Speak to All. We all hear God.
It is like listening to ourself.
Okay, I will try again anew
By.
2 July
Please help me survive.
Please help me embody understanding.
Thank You.
I trust, respect, love and admire You.
I do not know if I will ever understand.
I know You Will Let me know.
It feels so fucking good,
so perfect, so correct.
I watched Trust for the second time in three days.
Please Help me!
I feel so lucky, not grateful enough.
I am so lucky.
3rd July,
1:15 a.m. I commented on a short of El Ten Eleven, "You will save me.."
You Will Save me.
I commented on Love Luna's latest, "
I didn't mean it to look like that. I meant to be normal.
I thank You for Everything.
I love You Eternally, more thank anything and Everything
. . .
Night.
2:12 a.m.
While .
wow, God whaDo You Think of this?
You See And Hear everything.
You Sacrifice.
What? I do knot know.
I just had more rum.
I feel shame.
I am so horny.I want to explode.
And explain.
Weird, I said Burp me and the computer said,
Convert me.
I will buy time.
I will live in a cool and beautiful place with a cool and beautiful woman.
We will be married in the orthodox church.
Life will be difficult and surprising.
My love will stretch toward infinity.
Becoming most human
we have this gift.
Okay , that's okay for now.
2:55 a.m.
I'm sorry.
I keep getting out of bed.
I just drank more rhum.
I am so horny. I don't know why I don't just masturbate.
Krissy Jae texted me last night. She wants to cuddle even when she's tired. She has chronic fatigue syndrome flare ups.
Ha, the computer said, five bro algebra.
I texted her,
"O, of course (: <3 more than willing."
So I just don't really know how to sleep tonight.
I know I can listen to Sleep with me, podcast. Or something like that. ASMR videos help a lot.
But I get too horny and distracted and excited by existence.
So many beautiful people are creating these beautiful lives
So I don't know how I fit in. ...
You Are in me.
You Are Helping me Always. All ways.
I always want to do the best for You.
I think I want to be pure.
I want to be like stars and clean cool water.
-
Don't say no.
Just say Yes.
4th july
I posted this poem today on my blog, newgirlybelong.blogspot.com ,
Save me. Save me. Save me. Save me,
I sneak around staring at the sun.
The One Last Thing,
Save Everyone.
- Please
and Thank You. . . .
I Hope I love You
I Hope I love You
I Hope I love You.
_
5th July
You Are all-powerful.You Are responsible for everything.
You Do everything..
You Collaborate with us to Create a cosmos as Perfect as You.
Thanks, by the way
You Control everything. We still control parts of ourselves.
I wish I would ask you more questions.
Yes, I got so much closer to you, that it felt unreal, almost too easy.
I felt I really spoke to you as I had never imagined.
And maybe I can hear you. I must.
We are Your children. You Are our Father, our Keeper, our Saviour [safe here. ]
We must choose to listen and obey.
. . .
6,7 2024
Ha, also something that no one wants to hear and should never be true ,
I want to murder someone or myself.
I just want to say something.
Right something.
You are a perfect substitute for morality.
I do not know what that means.
free
Possible crime scene. They make my love look like a bloody fucking triangle of piss and traces.
Sweet quick little pine fun why are we so far from what we will become.?
The possum has given himself to a lady now a bottle of shit is given to the fun time that love can dream of.
Why am I SO fun with a life that I cannot remember? A single woman takes her vows and delivers a sunday morning finality in the soothing scape of a schrine. [[ time]]
I overestimate the people who will judge me.
It is You, You and You.
Mon. July 8th
Hm.
I may have been having a kind of panic attack a moment ago, walking in my apartment.
I remembered Billy saying to take a walk.
Outside.
I.
Am sitting on the end of a stone retaining wall near my building, facing Mabel Davis Park.
I am worried about people looking at me, thinking about me.
That has been an issue with me for long time
. . .
My back is a bit uncomfortable.
I am going to walk about a bit
Now.
Talk with you later.
I hope we do not waste all of chances
For a kind and good life
The end.
Thanks to Her
Thanks to You
All.
I am back in the apt.
Before i went out and wrote the beginning of today's entry [the panic attack]
I was drinking cold black coffee and watching good mythical more,
And Soon after returning
I was doing the same.
So maybe I show symptoms of insanity
I wish I had gone to Liturgy at Saint Elias yesterday
I feel like I cannot stop thinking of Billy
the prostitute or escort who made love with me twice un February.
I want to be with her. I want to be married to her.
She's only really my 2nd sexual experience
I scheduled 3 texts to send her on July 31st.
She told me her birthday is in July.
She turns 26.
I do not know if any of this Can make sense
I am sorry.
Thank You
Amen.
You may have noticed
I am getting sick of myself
and I am confused as to what I should do each waking moment.
I know I and it will get
Better.
You Too
These lights
Are a reminder to always
Love christ and my self.
July 9
They Are always on.
I will replace them.
July 11
I am excited, glad and grateful to be reading Our Lady of the Highway by Hal Hartley.
July 17
I need to read to save the World.
I need to know what people need to live good lives.
I need to know more about people living close to me, and people who want or need my help now.
I want to.
I do not know what to do.
How should I know?
I want to write a plan.
I want to search online for a plan to do good.
I do not know if you know what I mean.
I want to know You , God.
I want to go to church Sunday.
I wonder what my life would be like if I never had to have a job.
I have been jobless for long times. I am lost.
I think I want to stay in a hospital. But I don't know.
I think of Carlos Go., Marxist revolution and Communist Earth.
I should sleep now I guess.
Bye.
20th July
Adam Green , " What a fucking waster. "
I should read more Our Lady of the Highway.
I love it. I texted that I do to Aaron and Andee. And thank you a bunch. Aaron replied.
I am too interested in Bloomburrow.
My excitement reminds me of Neon Dynasty.
I'm sorry for wasting all this time.
I should sleep. It's almost 6. I made coffee before 5. It has half and half. There's a bit more in the mug.
I am watching a set review to prepare for the prerelease.
I am going to costco with Mom about 3.
I just want everything cod. Maybe more Kerry Gold.
Life can be beautiful. I do not know how. Is it obvious?
I will play the New York Times games now.
I like Strands, Spelling bee, wordle and the mini.
Letterbox usually frustrates me.
I promise to make Up to You.
I don't really know why Up is capitalized,, but You Do.
Talk with You All again Soon
I want to view Soon by Hal Hartley.
I will watch Ned Rifle this morning
Twill be very Good.
I get less lazy.
You Give me All,
The Will To Be Better, To Be More.
Thank You for All.
Ned Rifle is life-changing.
2:38 , 21st July
O, Fuck me Harder, God.
Um, What I mean is Mind Fuck.
Make me Different.
Please Help me Fix myself.
Thinking thoughts
Brain Bots
Sleep with me.
Pod cast
Okay I must type.
It is two forty two.
God You Must Be Grateful Too
You Are Grace
Glory. Beauty. Greatness.
Good Game.
I waste Time.
I am Evil.
We all have infinite work.
This is the reconstruction of a formerly eternal reality....
Pod and the bean , for saking ... The Blood , the fascia
. Facing farting penis pornography.
This is not all that I can do.
We are the forehead of the Mind of The Palestinian...
I hope Eternally that I may be one Piece of the most correct question ?
The only God. May we Rest with You.
ctefeeeeyItya
. Yes .
Later....
4..
In a morning,
I am listening to Ned Rifle from another tab.
I am staying awake all night.
I am ashamed.
I dunno why.
Weak, misdirected, misguided, selfish
Maybe it's going to work into something Better
Who?
Wow, Death is So very possible.
As Always.
I may die. So I am full-of-wonder.
Thanks -
It's a whole freak rollercoaster falling off the awesomest waterfall
Designed by a big brain bunch of boys and babes
All in One squeezing the Most nectar-marrow
Out the Fuckin disc
In memoriam
For the Same Being.
Then.
4:46
I've been drawn to what is Different, Because most of everything seems to be silly mindless busyness, Getting from 1 day to the next.
We must change everything To become anything.
My brothers are weird.
And I am the one. ...
Not too special
A little less spicy....
Ha Ha
Huh.
Thank my lucky st-ouffer's macandcheeses.
O, God, Damn my fuck.
5:37
I'm gonna eat Your Flesh and kill Your fucking God.
It is a Mean
I am so tired, started to get sleepy. I wonder if I can sleep most of the day.
I wonder what People are like?
What am I?
Wonder what my face is
I watched Ned Rifle twice. It is brilliant
I stopped a couple minutes till the end
I want to Save it
I am Brilliant : from collapsing clouds of gas and dust.
I am Opposites
mfc.com
I like when you say I am a bad person,
Nothing else to do.
Everything is late.
13:50
All , my fucking god
Jesus fucking christ
This is too much for me, or Who?
I'm going to count myself but just cause I want to die
To melt and Implode.
employed
....
https://youtu.be/kqP16kv3UDw?si=CTNudbQ19Bb-RNh2
I said,
Tomorrow in a day...
[:
I need You more than Any any . . .
I just bought mini box of cab sav At seven eleven.
Sorry.
Your Blood
Is in me , my taste buds
Gullet gut
Tracked
Blood....
It is.
I wrote this at biomat. giving plasma:
My Jesus Poem Prayer
Christ christ christ christ christ christ Christ,
The Leader, The Teacher,
You Give What we live:
in Time Safe <-> lives.
We ask You
Answer
< YES >
I.
Feel unprecedented bliss and anticipationnnn
I have a date with Jae at two p m tomorrow.
It is of course complicated , always more complex.
She has bad chronic fatigue syndrome.
I want to make her come.
I think, though, she will keep our relationship professional. She is a cuddle therapist. I found her online.
We have been texting a lot... though. We shared music with each other.
https://newgirlybelong.blogspot.com/2024/07/whlo.html?m=1
The Tri State
It is, Holy Life Only
Radio
Orthodox Church
Hal Hartley' Our Lady of the Highway, a Novel
OLHW
Who Loves?
I want to make make a film called Hal Hartley's Our Lady of the Highway, a Novel
From now, 14:37 July 21st, on I shall only
post my prayers here.
::
Prayer Exercise based on these Alcestesque song titles I made up
- Le monde étrange des chansons
- Un rêve de soulagement
- Esprits vitreux
- Sans destin
- Renoncule sauve le monde
English,
The Strange World of Songs
A Dream of Relief
Glassy Minds [or Intellects]
Without Desiny
Buttercup Saves the World
1. Do You Have a place for me to sing and be heard fully to fully enter other human souls and set in motion changes that make this weird life into a loving beautiful connection of Gods and eternal humans?
2. What do I do to find a peace that can last, something that will effect my conscious habit and transform my chaos into Your order?
3. You Have Shown us All Clarity. How can we show each other how to learn from mistakes and keep everyone strong and always making things correct?
4. There is choice. We are always ourselves only. You Give All of Yourselves. Each time and thing is the most important for us to pay our best attention to and make reality what we know You To Be. Henry Fool
5. Do You Want us to have fun while we figure out what Truth and justice will be for our eternal salvation?
I Want to Say to Jae on Our Third Meeting
You can come over whenever you want.
We can eat or do anything you want.
[What's minus yards.]
What is mine is yours.
I want to help you feel good.
I want us to be friends forever. [But I don't know if I would really let myself say that.]
I will trust you.
What is your name?
...
_______
God, I love language so much.
22nd July
03:40
It's so Fun to talk to You. Knowing You Are Always Listening
I feel less crazy. Thanks for Everything. And for You.
Are You Self-Created?
Are Y'All Uncreated?
Creator Is enough.
All Really
You Are It.
It is so Good.
God...
You Are The Best
Of all possible bests.
This is always difficult for me to believe.
This is the very point.
I love You
So much.
I want to try to never be misunderstood;
Context is ever important.
Can I help You?
I was talking about times of day out loud for a while,
Which I type just so every one else will know too.
Okay I am going to do some things else , now .
04:23
The Several Sinful Deaths
Deaths are not ends.
We can be dead and dying, in two camps:
Love of Self (with God)
Love Without God
Love is ever inevitable.
Love without God is the opposite of the one true love , God.
Examples are difficult to define or describe.
If we knew more, then we could adequately address these challenges, bringing us further from killing ourselves and closer to our eternal God, the Living in the Meaning of Love.
You know?
Thank you. . . . YOU .
Okallright then . Now,
Don't want to change.
Don't want anyone to change or want to.
I don't know exactly but
I am again watching Joe Pera Builds a Chair with You.
He breaks my heart again.
How does he do it?
How is it possible?
I can only ask You , really.
11:08
I have not slept enough.
I am too excitable.
I feel close to You, God. Maybe close to death and the end of time and everything.
I walked by the pool here.
I saw fairy lights over a 2nd floor balcony.
I thought, I wish I had the time, energy and money.
I walked in Mabel Davis this morning, "I love my composition. I mean my word creations, acceptance and completion." ...
Things get too intense for me.
You know I mean ...
.
Ya
Like It
How do I do It.
Please if I may, Will You give me the power to make better choices?
O. Of course. As always. You Think of everything
15:02
I was waiting for mail. Walking about,
All my efforts are rewarded.
I thank You for insights. I thank You even more for my effort.
That is kind of profound.
O, Jesus. I pray so hard, Jesus.
This ... this. ...
This cannot be fixed.
This is what - who I live with,
My basis of being.
Making peace
Too much I want to tell.
15:57
I drank Yellow Tail Syrah. It's red wine.
I like it. It does something.
Someone knocked my door. They delivered THC gummies. I ate 2
I am going to Jae's apartment in a couple hours. At 19:00.
I know we will hug then cuddle on her bed.
I do feel Like dying.
I just ate. I feel good......... .
. . . .
I want to watch Trust again.
...
Sorry, I forgot. This was supposed to be , from now on , explicitly prayer.
But I guess i'm just conforming to norms.
It helps a lot, My dear god to remember to address you directly.
So now in this blog post i shall remember that I can be your second self. Or fourth self. Like a mirror.
I thank You. Again. And again
How many people are almost identical ' young ' men like me?
How close am I to other Humans?
Ok.Okay . it's 17:17.
Thunder is rolling...
I am listening to CDs... ( see these]
I just heard a mighty wind. It's the opener of a mixed cd I made...
Please help me be sober enough to be A husband to Krissy Jae tonight.
I just need to drive to her apartment.
It begins to rain. Maybe Soon
I don't know what to say. Of course, You hear Everything.
This Prayer blog is for me, or another lost soul on a web browser...
That seems the truest thing I have said.
We live for Each Other.
Oh God. Thank you.
This is even better than the high on thc revelations I was just speaking aloud to meself.
I realised then that I should never worry about the past.
It seems stupid Now.
But i like this Playlist or cD...
I love my highschool self.
He needs it , colloquially.
I feel like I am Marrying Jae. Because we are friends now.. and I paid her to cuddle.
Now we cuddle to help ourselves and each other...
It is so complicated
That it is a reason I have to believe You.
Intelligence is a design, designed intelligently.
So the egg in chicken.
Both are first.
Time is now.
They are Creator and Creators.
It is This beautiful. ....
Anyway. Love is They. Love everone.
Why do I think about murder and suicide the way I do?
I really want to ask you more questions.
Who - - and I don't know where I'm going with this - - but who can realize what the perfect reality would be - even though they are just one human with this much time in a day?
I am listening 2 ... 5 o'clock World by dave clark five.
It is quite nice. I drank too much wine.....
Okay. I know if I'm not being God at this moment,
I must go to my normal journal.
And figure these daily ideas out...
27, 7, 2024
20:12
Oh my God, I love her so much, it feels like my body isn't even mine anymore.
What is it?
She is
So beautiful, It is difficult to believe I get to get so close to her.
Oh Jesus, What do we do with ourselves question mark
Thanks for giving me way more than I can ever understand
!
It Is Good
YOU Are All Good....
Of course, I refer to Jae... or Jen.
Check the other journals. I guess [:
I just do not know what I really Feel or Am
Just feels freaking crazy.
I am getting ready to spend the week at mom's working at josh's house.
Things feel so unreal. so strange.
I just want some help, just to get through the day...
Gosh , it just feels so good, I cannot explain.
But you know specifically , in my life choices...
I just seem like things are Almost Perfect , but in the weirdest way....
I hope this gets through somehow to someone....
Hah this is quite dramatic I guess.
I took 10 mg of THC. Pineapple express.
Si , I'll probably wanna go to sleep in a minute.
Feel like I should eat something
I am really excited about life and the future
People are the best
And the Trinity Is even better
Amen. thank You All
12:56
29, 7, 2024
Why am I so lost?
You Can't Lose anything .
I must ask for all the help I can get?
What do I deserve?
Thanks for Listening
Thanks for Giving me a voice
I love You more than anyone can love anything ,
Everything About You is immeasurable and ineffable .
. . .
It would be weird if someone loved God and loved something more.
-
Why am I obsessed with Women?
I guess it is good to continue humanity, procreate. Make Love
I must pray. I must write.
I must love. I must be Godly.
I just want to make sense,
Be rational, respectful, responsible, reasonable and sensible .
31, 7, 2024
15:30
I am melting. Again. I need Your Structure.
Can You Make me more like DuBois?
I will be grateful Eternally.
So, I need to read and just pay attention to DuBois.
Paying attention is maybe the most difficult.
Am I on any correct path?
I trust that You Help me as much as I deserve.
I am in the ground.
I want to be Trees.
Am I Jesus too?
Jesus is the Best, right?
Well. We have potential to be human Versions of You...
How?
....
09, 08, 2024
It's been too long since I prayed. J is in her way to my place. She's getting food for herself. I wonder if she'll spend the night. That excites me a lot. I ate ten mg of thc a few hours ago. I got sleepy. I ate almonds. I drank a little red wine. I lay on my bed listening to ASMR. sleepwithme is playing.
There's something wrong with J's apartment. She said my AC is probably better than her friend's, where she was.
I took 5 more mg. Maybe I will fall asleep on her. I want to tell her I'm sleepy and that I think I could fall asleep on her. That means physically on her and like on her, as in Don't die on me.
Anyway. I want food. I stress out about having this different intimate relationship. It's almost like we're halfway to boyfriend, girlfriend.
If she weren't coming over, I would have eaten the rest of the Mac and Cheese. I will when she goes.
I am really curious. What will we do? How long will she stay?
Weird timing and everything
11, 08, 2024
11:33
I'm sorry . it's hard to pray.
I am.
Taking a shit
It feels pretty good , because I am usually constipated.
I love myself way too much. It's a problem. I need to pray.
Jen came over friday night.
It was pretty awkward. And I made some regrets. And uh, we got a little closer.
...
It is so difficult, but I know you want me. But do you want me like this?
I do love to struggle sometimes.
I wanted to find that line that Sister Bernadette says that I think was just a few pages ago where I am in our lady of the highway by hal hartley.
All we ask for is burdens.
His burden is.
The best?
Is the miracles
Do we in america?
I want to love like a child of God like an ancient warrior , who loves family and everyone and is tortured and murdered.
I want to help everyone enjoy this Heaven.
5 , September, 2024
5,17
Dear God,
Thanks for words.
Thanks for being.
Who reveals? Who will reveal? What is revelation?
Thank You for church and hands and brains.
. The End .
9-11, 2024
I woke up. How is that possible?
It was a dark morning.
People's lives are fruits and vegetables in a cloth, hanging, squozen together; the juice is the present and the past and perception.
We are animals and refractions of God.
If i am here and now I am always prayers...
Another 24 hours.
.
