- - - - Almost , , , , again . . . .

 I am almost crying a lot.

I told my brothers I would go to see Everything Everywhere All at Once with them and wives, but it makes me nervous, because I don't want to talk to them or answer if they ask me questions or think that they might be judging me harshly and frowning on the inside and wishing I were dead, or something less dramatic maybe.

}

Like I am going to the beach, Port Aransas, but I was just on vacation for 30 days, on Great Britain, but it was a bit tiresome, or I mean tiring. Adventurous, wear down. So we do nothing but the beach and eat for 4 days. and long drives. But - my brothers and wives ask me to to get a job now and do hard work until acceptable retirement and financial independence, I eat and pay bills all of myself. Maybe. When Do I go? Okay,,, that is What.

i worry, but anyway. Nice to forget and drift . . . .  {

So, I just drank some white wine and watered down rum.

I hide it from mom. Yesterday I broke the beginning of my alcoholic abstinence, opening the white wine. Over about 6 hours I drank about 3/4s of the bottle.

I kinda regret it. It would be best not to break promises to myself, or anyone else.

This alcohol impairment feels pretty good. It helps me focus on feeling better than I did, I guess.

I thought of buying more alcohol, because my mmom is sick and I am going to the movie alone, meeting the famili there.

I gotta finish my leftover burger sans bun, like keto, burger salad........ okay Go.

Alcohol makes my life/time easier, then harder, more sick or nauseous or bilious ( Melanie from Ontario said that that means vomiting, but I just Ocean Hero'ed it and did not read that definition.)

Gosh, salt and meat taste so good.

Alcohol make happy and sad.

I just put on Tomoyuki Asakawa - Endless Tide

I listened to Kokubo's new Sound Scapes, Oto No Aru Fuukei [Landscape with Sound]

All Very Nice

theemd

p s

Love greg

I am still drinkingrum, watery rum

I wanted to speace it out

but i kept taking a drink every 3 minutes - - - i look at the computer corner clock.......

they go by like drops of water which drip from that clock thing that is like an hourglass of water, which is very slowly if one is paying very close attention like almost nothing is These Times,

Okay, You know? Do?

The end s

sorry,

i don't know what life is to do, yes you know now....

 https://youtu.be/WELQBJRiH90

 Hello, how you been?

I been okay. Great Britain was fun. Now playing is Full Fading - Zammuto. It is buffering a lot, so I only hear it a bit at a time. It is really beautiful; it sounds kinda like death. [: I am looking forward to seeing Aaron and Andee again soon. I want to text them asking when I can visit. As usual I am too nervous about disappointing them.

My mom went to the dentist and walgreens. In this situation I have often drunk too much alcohol. I am abstaining, going sober, from our 1st day in America until thanksgiving, about 7 months or 222 days. I like it feels good. Then I plan to not drink in 2023.

I am more than halfway thru a strong cup of starbucks cocoa. It makes me a bit high. I thought of trying to get some cannabis edibles.

I made a kind of plan to go to vegas alone for my 33rd birthday, driving on the 16th and 17th, staying 2 nights, and trying to make love to a prostitute on my birthday. Maybe I will camp at Mount Charleston the first night.

I may need almost 1,000 dollars, maybe more than I'll have, maybe my family will fund me as a gift.

Gold by Kiara was playing, but not much, because the internex and computer are very slow, so I put on Essential Leonard Cohen; Suzanne's now. Nice. I wonder what all these songs are.......

And, ...

Easter with family was okay. I feel bad for kids most of the time. Maybe people under 30 or 25, depending on their situations, backgrounds, advantages, teachers, role models. Most of us should not exist; our parents made too many mistakes, but so did their parents. And so on.

We can do better for the future, and now, always.

I was vacuuming, not so well, and I was kind of annoyed, maybe with myself or the cosmos, the way things are and happen. I realised with a smiling delightful quiet feeling [maybe the 'bearable lightness of being' [every thing that is (being) is a 'being' ] ]

that most things are .... [hmm, hard to remember what I thought, something like] .... not how they should be, not the way we want them, not reasonable, or something {: ...

- "no thing is supposed to be one way or another, nothing needs or wants to work out. Everything is okay. Maybe. What ever (: - Of Course Anyway, "The only necessity is The Trinity."

... and even more things do not matter, probably mean nothing, and are not worth thinking about

Later, 

My friends

Love

Greg

I looked at Streets of New Capenna. I updated a few tappedout decks, got out and played my Ayula

 

Mom wants us to apply for IRS jobs. I guess I will search now