I have spent probably 20 years 

in this house. 

I am kind of tired. I came to Veda. Got in the hot tub, at 10:30 a.m. The sun shines directly on it. I drank a cup of coffee and some of my mom's cappuccino. We made sausage biscuits. Chelsea broke her tooth on an almond. They talked for a while.

I am watching, listening to GMM. It's really nice. The crew and all, of it.

I watched some podcasts yesterday. I loved the Office Hours with Eric Wareheim.

I cancelled library volunteering. I told 'them' it was because of sickness of family. But I just didn't want to think about getting a job, or talk to anyone.

Just did not want to.

I read almost 2 pages of a New Yorker article, "The Hospital". It's by a suicidal guy, going to the psych ER.

I did a little of Steve-O's Wild Ride with Bobby Lee. Now I am hearing Christina P, Where My Moms At?

They are all like water ducks in public parks.

Float the poo.

Washing the waste thru the rivers in America,

dead fish,

apples,

Death,

mycofilm

meals

deals

steals

and women

and men

bubbles and

Lover Land

red pink stringy meaty Hearts

Dry thin light tan dirty dirt

Lick the surface

Kiss deer

Lightning in the Sun ,

Melt to Dust,

thank you.

Mom put on The Wolf of Snow Hollow, it's really good,

i love Auld Lang Syne

just want to do nothing for months, no one asking me

no future.

No time, child, 9 years, tv, groceries, youtube, bed, sofa, snacks, los angeles, faces, laughing for no reason

crying for 16 relatives, 200 plus years, put together

many thousands of miles and forgetting

cars and graveyards

suns and grasses

dead leaves, warmth and winters

clothes and pillows

no memory, infinite memories

stretch out on the rug

all voices

once

all feeling

tiger belly 313 ,   really nice

rosebud baker, 315 seems even better

for me

i am nervous about being around Aaron tomorrow morning.

I just had some cucumber vod, poured the last of it. Made one with coco water and lemon soda.

 . . . .    Make it Back to fun   . . . .

i am doing sober October. Beginning tomorrow, September 25th , 3 month to chris miss . . . .

no yoga for two days.. not sure why. i just got in the hot tub for the 2nd time today.

we're getting poppa murphy this eve...

and   The End

It is Tuesday. The day after Labor Day. I drank a lot of vodka. It is 2:08 p.m. I drank about a mug full, maybe 4 ounces or 4 shots. It is much too much. I wanted to call Donna Rich, psychotherapist, and tell her that I am very unhealthy. I am not sleeping enough and drinking too much alcohol. I am stuck with my mom and Hank the dog, by my own choices. I don't know what I should do. I should work for some green engineering firm or hospital or emergency responders. Maybe I would fail horribly, but maybe I should try....

My temporary library job ended about 6 weeks ago. I should have been doing something good, doing some good. I gave blood. Maybe I will work there again soon. Then leave again soon.

We plan to go to the United Kingdom in 6 months.

Maybe I should farm. I should call Lorig from Middle Ground Farm in Bastrop again and leave another voice mail.

This alcohol is only okay enough in that it seems to help me type this and think through my problems.

I just put on the  Essential Miles Davis. He makes me sad, with the heroin addiction, I think. Coltrane makes me happy though. Listening to him feels very important, with the Love and the Trinity.

I spent too much of everything on Magic: the Gathering. I thought AFR (DnD) was very fun, the most flavorful. Anyway, Kit, Pat and I played for almost 8 hours two days ago, on Sundy which is my fun version of 'Sunday'.

I like Major Melon Mountain Dew. It is neon pink. It is mixed with vodka, Northern Peak. Most vodkas are bottled in Princeton, Minnesota....

I learned from Craig Benzine that people in Wisconsin drink a lot more alcohol than the average United States of American.

I love Craig, even if his videos are too silly and ADHDed.

I love John Green even if he is too OCDed and sad.

I am burning a lavender and sandalwood incense by Gonesh Sticks, bought from the Elgin HEB, called Relax. It smells very smoky.

I feel the vodka in my feet. It is like a slow mild orgasm.

I worry of feeling nauseous and my head aching and fatigue-- but that is what Mountain Dew is for.

I may crash. I may hang over.

I must Wait.

I began this more like a normal journal, but my attention is not well.

I plan to play around with more MTG online. I created a few more cards yesterday and today.

These are very many sentences beginning with I.

I wonder why I write like this, my inner voice, something formal, proper and correct. Something better than Who i think is me 

I want to eat more.

My neck is fucked.

My spine is tricky.

Posture suffers.

Always.

My mother and I are driving to South Padre Island in less than 5 days, with no dog. I am very happy about things.

I often wonder if I will be in an intimate relationship with someone. Ever. What will that person be like.

Look like. Act like. Their or her history. Their Mind and future and our dynamic.

I think of Las Vegas a lot. It is a fantasy land. It is so far removed from Nature. It is people eating themselves and fucking themselves, in every way possible.

I like this journal entry.

I am nervous about volunteering again at the Bastrop Public Library. It has been 3 weeks.

Oh well.

Do something else now

bye i love you

- Gregory Wredberg  ,   the first.

PS. 

I am making a deck on tappedout.net called Everyday Life, full of things from our world, like dogs, cats, a cow, a machete, murder and a pie. I like this a lot. 

I chopped the grass over the dogs' graves with a rusty machete...

It was fun.

<3

We watched the Bonus Features of Keeping Faith series 3. There are a lot and they're really good.

<3

Thanks, You.

Edited from maybe something , about 4 a.m. to 5 p.m.

i see a 5 bladed ceiling fan creak towards a stop and think of Patrick Star hanging above the foot of my bed

i cry .

. .

i was exploring the Mercurial World website ,  the middle of this night , the debut album of Magdalena Bay . ,  it is kind of fun. i imagine the site was all the idea of Mica  [ i heard matt pronounce  'mee-ca'  on instagram . ]  magdalena is one of my 10 favourite names.  i clicked on the secrets your fire video yesterday  ,  it is catchy. she is very cute ,  25 years old ,  from florida ,  to Los Angeles .

Live like an aging Human Person

now is too late. i came to Auddfleur.  i wonder why i did not fall back to sleep.  i listened to asmr ,  gibi .  it is 4 something 20 something A. M.

it is fun some thing . . .  i hope to sleep a couple more hours .  there is a webpage from magdalena bay : What do you wish to know? submit a question .  i typed:

Wish the Truth.

Know the Everyone

What is your 50year Plan  ?

-

i subscribed to The Healing Word ASMR and listened to Dee's Testimony for a bit  ( she is a prodigal son )  but she was too interesting for me to fall asleep to.   So i put on the healing Room ,  night nurse .

'  Built like a hydrogen  Bomb - '  soft B

i skimmed thru the gospel of john  looking for the passage that aaron wrote on their whiteboard ,  but i cannot remember almost all of it .  he wrote ' she ' and maybe 'her '  which i think was his idea , and he may have translated other parts differently.

i loved a lot of thewords i read , lying on my bed ,  the godwords , and Jesus said and He left ....  i wondered how to ask him what he wrote

Tim heidecker said that Dynasty Typewriter was the worst name for a venue.  I think a good name might be The Stage Left .

- - -

blow

 Systematic   Hellscape

i am watching Good Mythical Moore ,  Do Color Therapy Galsohes [glsses] Work?  nest [ x ]  I will watch hankgreen vlogborthers , ' What the Heck am I doing? '   i wood have capitalised Am and Doing .  I am sexually attracted to Rhett McLaughlines ,   and pretty much my Best friend Aaron .   Last time we hung out , in his work shop , wood shop ,  I kept thinking sex thoughts.

I just drank about 2 glasses of Grape and Vine cabernet sauvignon ,  almost half a bottle . . .  Fiel Wierd . . .  i slept less than Necessary .  i wanna save the bottle ,  it looks nice and simple .

What   do i   do   the next   two days

The next twenty thousand

days